Dreams And Delusions

Which would you choose??? Each has its merits, and its downside…

With dating there are all the things you can and cannot do… You cannot wear sweat pants on a date, well not and expect a second date, and if you get a second don’t be surprised if you end up in the drive thru at the local fast food place… You have to be understanding even when you don’t understand… You have to agree that he can go out with the guys on that one night you set up a romantic dinner for you both, because he needs his guy time *no worries we can do it next week hunny, it’s really no trouble at all*… You must listen and talk and laugh at all the right times… It is unacceptable to have any body functions other than smiling and nodding during a dating relationship, even during sleepovers, so at the slightest chance you jump and run to the bathroom down the hall and flush if it is going to be, well loud… You must wake at like 6 am during sleep overs to brush your hair, you’re your teeth, and either wash off or apply new make up to your face, because there is no way he can see you looking as you truly do with raccoon eyes and the most creative hair possible, and don’t forget your breathe is always minty fresh… Your house must always be clean, because you never know when he will pick you up at the door; not that I have had anyone do that since I was a teenager; and even then it was rare… But just in case, it must be tidy; and there is always that chance this will be sleepover night… You have to dress nicely and different all the time… Heaven forbid he see you in the same outfit twice in a month…  Your hygiene must be top level at least for the first year, at which point all the gloves come off, so I have noticed… After the first year is when you get to see the more truthful side of who you are dating… You are not allowed to speak of other relationships; in fact it is best if you have never had another relationship… Just be the prissy virgin we all know you are and if the subject of children comes up you can explain by saying; I am a descendant of the Mother Mary, you do understand the concept of Immaculate Conception right??? Then you can do that little shrug thing and pull a face and say, I was lucky enough to have it happen twice, they are still doing research on it and I had to sign a gag order, so that is really all I can tell you…

Now if this relationship goes well; yes this one built on half-truths; then you get some of the fun parts as well… Like you have someone to have dinner with, hopefully more than you don’t… You have someone to take to couples night, and to meet up with all your married friends; you know so you don’t look like a total loser anymore… All your friends stop asking what tragedy befell the last guy you went out with… You have sleep overs, and someone to wake up to at least occasionally… You have a built in pillow/foot warmer *at least during sleep overs*… You have someone to tell about your day and you have someone who tells you about his… You have a friend, someone who wants to know who you really are… Did I mention you have sleepovers??? You have someone who finds you attractive, even when your hair has been its most creative… You have someone to cuddle up to, and to sleep on… You have this unexplained place of peace in the knowing that you can truly sleep and not worry… You have a playmate, someone you can tell your innermost fantasies, and you can share the intimacy that comes with relationship… If it all goes well that is… Oh wait I don’t want to forget to mention sleepovers…

Then there is the hit and run, and the famous booty call… There are upsides to these things, as well as downsides… You know like that one guy that was around because he was friends with the guy your friend was dating and despite that you didn’t really like him, he was there in the moment; kind of an upside, in the, it took care of an immediate issue sort of way… Downside you run into him in a diner years later and he looks at you half cocks his head and says “I know you right; you were friends with that girl… Did we … uh you know???” You look at him with the same half cocked look and a face that says clearly if we did you would remember and say “uhhh No”??? Walking away, whew!!! Upside you can be anyone you choose, downside so can he… You can meet up at hotels and be the screamer you have always wanted to be, and if he is doing his job well, there won’t be anyone for a mile radius that doesn’t know it… You can say things to a hit and run you would never say out loud to that special someone you hope to keep around… Let’s not forget nails, I have discovered having my nails done with shellac, means never having to say you’re sorry, because you drew blood…  Then there is friends with benefits, you know that one guy you call when all the others are, either out on date night without you, or you do not want to seem too easy, this is the guy you call because you have had this thing for a while and it is easy, he takes care of the immediate issue, and leaves no residue behind… Nothing to clean up, no residual feelings unexplored… Downside there is no true release like there is when you come together as one… Upside there is no clean up, no cooking breakfast, no worrying about how you look in the morning… Downside this guy is dressed as soon as you go to get a glass of water, a kiss, a mutual confirmation that was great, and an agreement not to wait that long again… Upside he is willing to show up anytime; Down side he often has some where better to be, or he is a total workaholic that cannot even find time for this… Sometimes both…

If it is up to me, I have had enough of the hit and run,  booty call guy for a lifetime… I would love to have that one guy that I could give my heart to, that one guy that makes you feel there could be no other… How could it be even better than that???

My eyes got big and my energy shrunk back… I know I must have looked entirely freaked out… So she rephrased her words, it does not have to be marriage; it will be a very solid committed relationship, like a marriage would be considered…

I have heard her words over and over again since I saw her a month ago… You will be married in two years… I cannot tell you how deeply I hope this is true… She said we were fated karmic ally to be… I am having difficulty seeing this, at this moment… There are moments when I can see it, and moments that I cling to the thoughts knowing that if this is so, then it stands to reason he is very near… They have all said soon; over and again, and as much as I know he is close; I lose hope more often now than ever before, it has been almost three years… That dream has always been so clear and now I am not so sure… Now I ask what does it mean, maybe it didn’t mean what I thought??? Maybe it was a time in which I would make a friend??? Maybe it is all a dream and this is just a way to get me out of bed each day??? Maybe it is just one more break in the heart??? Though that little girl with the big dreams of love doesn’t want to let go… So Maybe, just maybe if I am good, I mean really good; I will be in a very loving committed relationship like she said… The Stars and all that is the Divine; willing…

She told me like in other readings, June, June would decide how this all plays out… So here I sit trying to be patient, trying to just be, trying not to push, yell or scream… Just be me, Just be, Just love me, Just be…

She told me many other things, she said I would move over the summer and it would be a big move… That it was extremely possible it would be overseas, and that if it was not overseas, it would more than likely be with this man, and it would be very solid and comfortable with a real security… I like that a lot… She said if I make it through to June I will have this job for some time… That it is very possible they will relocate me overseas in about a year, if I do not go in September… That they really like me there… I have to wonder why they would; I am a mouthy one… And yet it is good to have a job where they value you… I certainly try to do a good job…

So we wait to see how the fates will play in June…

How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine???

I know that seems a silly request but for months now I have wanted to ask for your pillow… I know deep inside my heart that if I was to have your pillow, the place where you lay your head, I could feel safe, protected, loved, and most of all I could finally sleep…

It’s really a win win situation, you know… You get to be all distant, and dark, pretending I am not on your mind all the time, and that all you want is to touch me, and take care of me… And I can have a piece of you near me, something that smells like you, and feels like you, and it gives the illusion that you are close, when I close my eyes… Giving me that feeling of peace that I get when you are nearby, and I can sleep, I could finally fucking sleep…

Maybe then you would not be in my thoughts every minute of every day… Maybe if I could sleep, I could let go??? Maybe if I could sleep, I could carry on a basic conversation without something you said or did becoming the topic once again??? Maybe if I could sleep, I could move on, I could let go, I could let you go back to whatever life you were living… I could find someone who would enjoy being with me??? Maybe I could use that pillow as a band aid to allow all of this to heal over??? Maybe I could feel like there was someone out there again for me, instead of knowing the one is right before me and he is the only one I want… The others might be pretty but not like you… They might be nice, but they do not feel like you… There is no one else that feels like you…

I know I am supposed to be the strong one for me, I supposed to be the safe one for me, I am supposed to be the love for me, I am supposed to be the only one I need, I know I am supposed to be ok with being alone, in order to have someone to love… I know the only being I should be leaning on is me… They keep telling me that stupid thing, relax, breathe, let go… I get it!!! I do I totally get it!!! But I don’t know how to let go of this piece of me, that has been holding on for as long as I can remember, to being loved… So may I have your pillow???

A group of us are standing outside a restaurant waiting for a table when, one of my friends breaks into laughter as she was looking at me… This is when I want to check to see if I have something on my face, check my nose, and straighten my clothes…

I ask “what???” “It’s just so funny…” “What is so funny???” As she starts telling me that she and another friend *not present at that moment* had been talking about me a few days before, and how amazing it is to watch men around me… She mentions the time we were out walking a trail in near her house, and how the guy on the huge mower nearly drove off the road… I have to admit that was very funny… I start laughing with her… “Yes I know they do that a lot, I reply” and we start exchanging some of the funnier ones… I am not sure what to call it, maybe it is a gift, maybe a curse, and maybe it is just for entertainment???

Anyway it does happen a lot that they watch me that, they cannot stay away that sometimes they even trip on their way by… They do not understand what they see… They think they see just a woman, and they think that woman is not my type, and yet they cannot stop moving towards me… It is funny to watch it play out across someone’s face… If you watch you can actually see the dialog they go through… The places where they throw anger because they want the hot blond, and yet they are uncontrollably attracted to me… And look out when the guy is actually attracted to my framework because he is going to fall all over himself about it… He might even drive that mower off the road…

Though it really becomes problematic when I am attracted to him, somehow that is when things just get messy…

Years ago before I realized who I really was, before I understood, how a lot of this energy around me worked… I met a man, a very powerful amazing man who woke me up… He still does not get how he did this, and he is still uncontrollably attracted to me… We connected instantly, and powerfully, I did not know what this was and I fell in hard…

*He has my gift in reverse, he draws women to him, they are mesmerized by him and from this he finds he is a wrongness… He has created a situation around him of the obligation men hold on this planet… He must be the man and take care of those around him no matter the cost to himself… I understand this obligation, as I hold it in reverse… I must be the woman, the mother, I have spent the last couple years fighting this tendency, to care and coddle those around me to a point that they no longer do for themselves… I do it with everyone, and I feel like a total bitch when I stand back and let them sort it for themselves… Lately I have had the most difficulty with it, because I want to be taken care of I want to be coddled and I think why would anyone want to listen to me, take care of me, coddle me, when I refuse to care for them???  Maybe that is why I am so shocked when someone truly does want to???*

He set in motion a question I still ask myself often, and it is to this day heard in his voice… What do you want??? I used what I liked about him to find what I believe I wanted in a love… I made my list of what I want and drew him in, I know this person I have drawn in very well, I know right away we are meant to be… Hell, the reading actually said fated *and shortly after this is not always a good thing*… And yet this man does what I have experienced with men for years he starts out quite strong, and then pulls back… *they tell me now that, the man decides he likes the light and he opens the door to see the light that I am, and he realizes it is too much for him and he slams the door closed…*

We talked every day for a month before we met, when we met it was easy and fun… I was leaving on a trip that day and would be gone a week… We spoke some while I was gone; he invited me to hang out at the festival downtown when I returned… We were supposed to go to dinner, and then he met up with an old friend, and he totally blew me off… I figured he was just not that into me… Then he invited me again with a promise that it would be just us… From there we dated a few weeks and things progressed as they do, and he stayed with me overnight… The next day I am lost in the love bubble, and he tells me he wants to be just friends… *door slam* to say I did not take this well is to understate the situation to the point of ridiculous… Not that I had any choice at all… I proceeded to remain friends with him for the next several months… He would ask if I was dating and such and I would tell him whatever was going on at the time…

*I have always had men floating in and out of my life, rarely dating just one; not because I wanted to date everyone, because I like having a love around… Men rarely want to be stuck with one woman, so to have one around is to have many… Though that is no longer true for me, which is what makes this energy now so very odd for me… *

I moved to a new apartment and he offered to help, I let him… It was in this moment months from the original that he began to pursue me again, not having the control to resist… Not because I was doing anything at all, because I was being me, the one who attracts these men without intention… I would later marry this man believing to my core that this was it; only to find that it was all built on a foundation that would crumble around me… So you tell me, is it a gift, or a curse???

They are not looking at me, they are looking at me!!!

How is that for a contradiction???

In other words what they see is not who I am on this planet; it is what I truly am as a being… So when I say that they are not looking at me, I mean they do not stop to see the person that is having this human experience… They are seeing the light being that is multi-dimensional and timeless… While they do not know how to receive that light being, they expect that they are one in the same… Though they are, they are not…. You cannot be a body without a being, though you can be a being without a body…

As an embodied human, I have feelings, insecurities, desires, moments of clarity, moments of true insanity, I have likes and dislikes, and I enjoy things like chocolate and cuddling… I have hopes, dreams, needs, and again desires… Rarely does someone look past the light and see the person… As a light being I am love, I have what I need in every moment, there is no alone, no insecurities, I am whole, I am connected to all things, I am oneness, and I am a part of God…

So I listen to people tell other people about me and I hear things that are no longer true, or were not true, or do not feel true… They think they know me by reading this blog, or speaking to me in public or private… It is so funny, as if anyone could really know the embodied me without asking me questions… The other day my daughter’s boyfriend asked me about my favorite sport, that if I was to watch or play one which would I choose???  I quickly answered baseball, and that I had played softball in school and had really enjoyed it *not to mention there are cute guys in tight pants*… My daughter looked puzzled and said “I would not have guessed that at all”… This is someone who spent every day for almost twenty years with me… They say I am positive, wise, confident, strong, loving, intuitive, kind, caring, nonjudgmental, and they miss all the places where I am negative, pathetic, violent, angry, gossipy, extremely judgmental, flippant, fickle, and many others…

Most of all they do not see where I see the light being and forget to see the human… I have spent years seeing the real being, reaching for this being and finding that they could never be what I can see; because they are having a human experience… I have been through many a bottle of Advil in the hopes of relieving a headache caused by my unwillingness to admit that when they embodied they forgot who they were, as did I…

So they tell me I am here to wake them up, to show them how to remember who they are… I do this and I wait impatiently for them to awaken, and I wait for them to remember, and I wait, and I wait some more…

How long will it take until I get it??? What will it take for me to see it??? When will I just accept this??? Despite that in one moment it appears one way; actions speak louder than words…

If he isn’t calling??? If he isn’t texting??? If it takes hours for one word responses??? Then he just not that into you… What is it they say in that movie??? If a man wants to see you, wants to date you, wants to be with you he WILL make it happen… That is as clear as it gets!!!

So on that note, it is time for me to let go… It is time to remember that as much as I have hoped and dreamed that there would someday be that one who totally understood me, that one who wanted to know me, that one who wanted to have all the details about me and in return to share his with me; that one heart that cherished me and mine… He isn’t coming, or maybe he showed up and took one look and bolted…

That dream from years ago??? Though they said he is real, though they promised he would come, they told me he was from my home, that he would get me, though he journeyed with me for three years, and though I can feel him now… What they forgot to mention is there was a possibility that he would not share this dream with me… That he would not choose it… That he would not see me… It is time to see this planets version of real…

I cannot fix it, it is not broken… It is simply not the way it is… It is time to face that it is quite possible the reason I could not picture the man ten years from then or now is that he isn’t there… He is just an image of a body and clothes with a feeling… He isn’t real…  I can hope, I can believe, I can have faith, and yet I cannot choose for another… So I give… You win… I am done here… My heart is broken, and I do not have the strength to hold it together for another…

You know speaking of quotes from movies, the other one Under the Tuscan Sun… She says “Do you know the most surprising thing about divorce? It doesn’t actually kill you. Like a bullet to the heart or a head-on car wreck. It should.” Though this is not a divorce, it is the same heart break and feels way worse than that… I was so sure… Even now they keep saying it is real; I have to just keep repeating, stop saying that, if it was true, it would be, and it is not obviously, once again I stand here ALONE…

Yesterday when I woke up I was beyond excited, I had woken in the night several times; everyone with a smile and a look at the clock to see  if it was close to being time to get up… When it was time to be up and about, I still had to wait until a civil time in which to call and see if I could come out and see the Horses…

I have spent years wanting to do this, and I came close while living in England, and yet the experience lasted but a day… After being upset on the phone and yet again just wanting to leave here; my friend said what was it that allowed you to get through in England??? She said you told me it was that you had made friends with people for yourself…

I had told her that was what I loved the most, was that my friends there did not belong to a situation in which they had to like me; it wasn’t from school, work, kids, or relationship… They are my friends because of me… I know how this sounds, and yet I also know who I am… Though I am outgoing, I am not quick to be outgoing; it takes a bit of time for me to know the type of people I am around and to assess what is acceptable in and amongst them, so I know who I can be with them…

Many people believe they know me, and I can assure you there are very few that do… Those that know me have looked beyond what is offered on the outside, to see where my drive comes from, what my true desires are, and how my heart works…

So my friends suggestion was to do something that was just for me, she had said maybe go downtown or to a farmers market and offer card readings… Not for money just for the enjoyment of it… You loved doing that in England and you were good, and you are a lot better now… This is in theory a great idea and yet considering that I have not been in a people space these days, the thought of having lots of different energies flowing through me randomly, does not at all feel yummy… So I took the idea and asked what I could do for me, and horses came back up… How about lessons, I am in a place where if I do not do a lot of foo foo things I could manage this… Yes, I decided I will take lessons… I spoke to a friend at work, and she made some suggestions, and I pulled up a bunch online, and read a bit about them…

And here we are it is time to call, and I get two of the four on the phone, the others I left messages could I come and see what they are like… First will be at one and the other after three… I was so excited that I was ready on time and out of the house with plenty of time to spare, I had one quick stop and a thirty minute drive… No problem at all, and then there is a backup, on Saturday afternoon… Hmmm, I get through this make my stop turn and head towards the stables… More traffic, really heavy this time, so much that I have to call and say I will be late… So for a mile we move one car length at a time, and the clock hits one; at two minutes after one the lane I need opens completely and I drive past everyone to get on the freeway, there is no traffic the whole way from there and as I do, I think maybe that is a sign not to go to this one???

I arrive a half hour late and she asks how I hit traffic on a Saturday??? I explain and we go to meet her training horses… Beautiful horses and she spends lots of time going over lineage blah blah blah… She tells me about a fundamental class that she is giving, and about some equipment stuff, and I ask what do lessons look like and she goes off in some other direction, not really answering… I am just trying to decide can I spend two hours a week with this woman??? Will this be worth it for me??? She reminds me of someone that I have a difficult time with sometimes… hmmm… We talk a bit more and I ask some questions about weight and physical issues that I have been wondering about… She takes this opportunity to tell me that she lost 36 pounds last year through weight watchers and that yoga has been great for her balance… She realized that her portion control was way out of control and through walking, yoga, and weight watchers she is much better now and that she felt it would be very beneficial for me… That it would assist with the weight as well as to center me within my body physically and mentally… That if she was to get a larger horse she would let me know, but to sign up for her fundamentals class, and we could spend the summer going through everything from the ground…

LOL… Here we are again, other people’s judgments of my body… Why not shut the fuck up… What happened to if you do not have anything nice to say do not say anything at all… Anyway…

It takes me thirty minutes to get back to my area of which I have another thirty minute drive to the next one… During this drive I went to all the places I tend to go when someone makes comments like this to me… I am bad, I am not worthy, I am not loveable, I am not good enough, and this is a punishment, and so on… It is a dark place that unfortunately I feel comfy in… And then… I was no, that is not my shit that is hers, there is nothing wrong with me, and she does not for a moment know me… This is her judgment not mine, and I send it back to her… I stop for lunch and remind myself it is perfectly ok to be hungry and that if I am going to be centered for the next, I will have to have lunch… So I breathe, have lunch, and continue to send her stuff back to her…

This is my gift to me and she will not ruin it for me… I do not have issues finding the next academy, and upon arriving I am not sure which of the five buildings it is, so I call and take pictures of the pretty horses… A minute later she comes out and, takes me into the arena… I get to see where they board horses and the training horses… I tell her I do not have a horse at this time, that I have not ridden in a very long time and that what I would like is lessons that start from the ground up… I want to know everything, she smiles and says ok, let’s look at the schedule… No issues at all *I knew in her energy she was not fussed, this is what she does*, she says it will be a lot of information all at once and you will feel very overwhelmed at first, that horses are hands on, and that is the best way to learn… YES!!! We have a winner…  Riding lessons,two hours a week … Whoot!!!

How Does It Get Even Better Than That???

Dear Blank,

I want to thank you for meeting with me yesterday… When I woke up yesterday I was beyond excited, I had woken in the night several times; everyone with a smile and a look at the clock to see  if it was close to being time to get up… When it was time to be up and about, I still had to wait until a civil time in which to call and see if I could come out and see the Horses…

I have spent years wanting to do this, and I came close while living in England, and yet the experience lasted but a day…

My heart was open and ready to embrace what would come next… I had allowed myself to have riding lessons, to be with horses… I have dreamt of this day, and when I made my decision to gift this to myself, it had not been done lightly…

You see over the last four years or so I have had all my children become beautiful responsible adults, and move on to what they will be for themselves, I have been divorced, and I have lived on my own in another country that took many months before I had made any friends, adjusted to the culture, or could spend one day without crying… I lost one hundred pounds… I have lost people in my life simply by allowing myself to be who I am, I recently returned from a very difficult journey to India, in which I have been profoundly changed, I have been through enormous changes at every turn of these four years… My hope was that I could make friends with a being that did not mind my being who I am, and not having to go into all the past… Horses are like that, they hold your heart and your secrets…

I would like to express my gratitude at your willingness to be very unkind and judgmental in order to show me my strength… Not many beings are truly willing to do this for another… In your choice of words and conversation yesterday you showed me back to a dark place of wrongness that I have spent a lot of time in… I was truly impressed that it took only a half an hour drive for me to realize your words were not about me, they are about you… I was able to realize that I am worth this gift and that I will not let someone else’s words stop me from having what I truly desire… In saying this I would like to let you know I have found a riding academy and will start lessons next week… I am grateful that I had the strength to continue and to see my dream about to be realized…

Blessing of Love and Light for you and yours,

Me

What the… You must have totally fallen on your head!!!

Do you really think I have a thing for him??? I Think Not!!! No!!! I am sorry clearly because you flirt through anger; you have mistaken contempt for flirtatious competition, for a pig… Why anyone would choose to cognitively chase a man who has shown time and again he has absolutely no respect for anyone; let alone his choice to share how much he does not care for the one he married… You tell me, does she know he tells everyone he doesn’t like her??? Not very likely…

I ask this because, I have been her more than once… I have been that girl who loved the man she was with, the one she shared a home with, a man who found so little value in her, he chose not only to tell all of his work, he chose to tell all of her work how they were not getting along, that they were fighting and probably would break up… Funny he didn’t tell me…

I should have known, and yet at that time I had no idea, until that one guy who liked me informed me that this was what was playing out… Now you would think I would just think the guy was trying to cause trouble, and yet something told me to follow it up… So I asked him straight up, was he really asking other girls out where I work, while he was there to see me??? He said he was unhappy and we had not been getting along for a few months, so yes he had asked one of them out… Turns out this girl said yes, even knowing we lived together… Impressive don’t you think??? These people have no idea the impact they have on other people’s lives… They do not for a moment see the scope of damage they create…

This has been my trigger lately, old shit coming up again… Over and over I have looked at it, why does it still sting??? Why not just let it go??? This does not impact my life anymore, why dredge up drama that is no longer mine??? Maybe I am afraid I haven’t grown enough to avoid this type relationship??? Maybe I need to be the fix it guy and keep telling this pig, he is a pig until he sees what he is doing??? Not that that it is likely he will notice anytime soon… Maybe I still don’t trust me???  And yet I look and can see today where I have given my heart, I know the heart is safe… I choose a different type of person these days, gratefully…

So the word of the day is… It is a word I would like everyone to practice every time you come to a place in which you are asked to do what you do not want to do, now it is a really hard word, hard to spell as well, are you ready??? Are you sure??? Alright here we go… NO!!! No, I do not want to marry you, No, I do not love you, No, I do not want to spend my life with you, No, I do not want to stop sleeping with every pretty and not so pretty girl that comes in my path, No, I do not want to… I know that seems hard and it comes from someone who often gets in trouble for not using it as well… Such as do you want to work late, No… Do you like what you are doing, No!!! You get the jest of this conversation… So keep practicing… NO!!!

LOL…

Oh my I was really mad in the morning, I had someone give me a ridiculous job to do right in the center of a very important one… It set my morning a blaze, I really try not to be rude, snotty, condescending, and angry while in a professional setting… Not that my temper has not flared and gotten me in trouble before; I just make an effort to conceal it in that setting… It shows again how long I have been out of a setting like this as to what I am willing to say and do now… I simply told this person I did not have time to do his job for him… I may have been quite harsh in my tone, though I left absolutely no room for discussion… This is very out of character for me, I generally say ok, even when I know I cannot do it, and bring the stress down upon me while trying… So it was an amazing shift in that respect… I am still just a bit surprised I did not get in trouble for it… Everyone today was business as usual, and all was fine… Whew!!! This is not my forever job, obviously writing is, however it would be lovely to keep it for a while…

So I got to leave work early for an appointment, too many hours this week already… This worked out great for me to see the first of the two friends who are doing readings for me this week… Trust me after the mini readings on Sunday I am hoping for much better news, especially around love… I have been seeing this lady H for many years, about six-ish… She was the one I was working with when I chose to move to the UK… We have done so many readings that it would be difficult to say everything that has come to be since…

Three years ago I lay on the floor in her office visualizing my future… Ten years specifically, on this day of visualizing, I remember that the vision was in this beautiful house, my house in England, and I was just in from the horses… There was a scenario that played out in the kitchen, and I had people come to the door… She followed me through this vision and asked questions of what I saw; I would describe what was playing out… Where I was what I had been doing, what was going on in my life… I would tell her that I was on book five, and that I spent my days writing and riding, I saw my daughter and my grandson, and she had asked if I was in relationship and it was clear that I was, she had had a bit of frustration with me calling in the man… He was there though he was not clear in image… When we were done she told me what she had seen… Very similar yet details such as the people at the door were there for merchandising contracts… This was my home and I had lived there a while, and she had asked why the clarity around the man was so restrained and my response was that I was hesitant to lock in an actual person, in case that one would not come… It still is a bit of a weird place for me, not to have the choice when he arrives… I knew I would know his energy, and I have had a basic framework clothing style and such different images around him…

I later had a dream about a man… This was a real man connecting with me in a dream; someone sent from far away, and yet beside me through this journey I have had the last few years… This dream starts with what feels like a sexual experience and then turns to the next day where he is walking in, and I go to him again in a way that feels sexual… He stops and says no, he does not let go of me he simply halts that action… I am shocked in this and say but we already… He looks into my eyes and says no we didn’t you’re not ready… Yes I am, no he repeats you’re not… After a bit more of this argument, he firmly says No you are not ready… I am here and I will be here when you are… There were many times while I was in England that this man lay beside me in what I can only describe as physical warmth and yet no one but I knew he was there… I remember being in awe of how incredibly real it felt, as if he were physically wrapped around me…

Obviously I have been in search of this man for years, and I have had many readings on love… I have amazing readings, really… H especially tells me no one has readings like mine, she says it is amazing to watch unfold… I am like, lots of money, fame, success, writing, books, movies, blah blah blah, what about the guy??? She always has this almost disbelief that I cannot see how amazing this is… I have cards that come up almost every time, and then others that vary… I see it, though for me without the friendship, the deep connection, the love, it doesn’t seem fulfilling… I know through her and through my journey of the last few years what I am here to do, I have no doubt it will all come to be… I am an amazing writer, and my stories will be read all around this planet, and I do not take that lightly my heart is completely engaged in it… I am beyond honored to have been given this gift and all that follows… All that being said, love is who I am…

So I am sure you have guessed my questions when I arrive to see H this time… They are on love; however they are a bit differently worded this time… As my real questions stemmed around trust, my trust, my trust in me… I explained through tears the shift since India, and the light issue with people not seeing me anymore, and she asks why do you think this is??? Still in tears I say I have changed; she laughs and says but you have been asking for this, and working for this, why are you crying??? Laughing through tears I shrug… We go through several cards readings about love and the changes in me, as well as speaking with my guides… I explain that when people are talking to me, I can tell if it is true now… Truth does change as everything does, what may be true for you today may not be true tomorrow… I can feel the truth, when you tell me something, I know… So strange, last year someone was telling me all these lovely things that I so wanted to hear, and I thought they were true… Only to find it was a mask for a whole other game… And in the past week I have been literally stopped in my tracks in awe of the truth around words lately… If you have been around me over the last few years you would be aware that I am careful with this term I know… Because I know it has power, so when I say to you I know, I do…

They *my guides* confirmed the shift and the questions I had been asking, they confirmed that where I had found truth in one moment and then it was gone was by choice of the one speaking the words… To watch and give it time… My cards confirmed love is about, that these next couple months will show more than I have seen before… They said that there may be many all ready to step up and fulfill this place for me… Funny enough I have been asked several times this week by friends, including by H if I would like to be set up with their friend??? The funniest part of this is I have been asking them for years and now, all at once they are open to it… You have to laugh, when it rains it pours… Clearly I have moved into ready…

This is all in keeping with a reading I had in January with my other friend S, she told me the energies around love would open as I got towards June, that this is when my Saturn returns would end, and that I would feel warm again… I have an appointment with her this weekend, oh how excited I am…

How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine???