It has been 30 years, literally! You would think I would be over it, that I would have let it go? Apparently I have not mourned it properly, as this seems to be all I can think about.
I do remember whining about it, wishing I could change it, wanting a do over, and desperately obsessing over all the details of a relationship that never found its full potential.
I remember that I did not cry, but then I rarely actually cried back then; whine, snivel and moan yes, actually cry, no. As I have said before my method of getting over one has always been to get under another. Suck it up, and find a new one.
I remember sitting in the room and watching him with his new love, knowing this was it. We would not be together again, he had really moved on for good. I also remember doing the dreaded what does she have that I do not?
I know that what she had was the ability to talk to him in a way I was not able to. I had spent my whole life, or 17 years, watching my words. Having to be careful of what I said to everyone, in fear of being laughed at. Everyone at that point in my life had found something to make fun of me about.
Guys were the worst, they always turned and twisted my words into pervy plays; and this particular guy was extremely good at it. And then there is my mother, and family, though especially my mother; who had a way of making me look and feel stupid by my statements and questions *she still does this*.
So literally I have spent my life watching my words. Maybe that is why I love to write so much; I don’t have to be careful. When you come to read my words, they are mine and you do not get a say in how they play out, or how I feel about them. I can take my time and say what I like.
Back in the land of teenage boys, I was lucky or unlucky to hear what they said about the girls they dated, and slept with. I heard the comments about dead fish, and tuna, prude, tight, loose, etc. I lived in fear of these comments being used about me. Which was enough to make any girl clam up; but I took it way past that point. I could not deal with intimacy as a teen; in fact it would be my late twenties before I could have an intimate conversation without the giggles. Truth be told, I am still not great at it, unless it is in writing.
It has never been that I did not want to; it has been that whenever I am just about to say what I need to say, their patience has run out. Or in some cases, there was a refusal to admit that there was anything to talk about. When you ask questions about whether they have fantasies and desires; and you are told in no uncertain terms NO! It tends to make you feel as though sharing is not welcome. So I have not found a safe place in relationship for my words, thoughts, fantasies and desires. This does not mean I do not have them.
He clearly found the intimacy he required with her and like anyone would he seized it and moved on.
I recently found him on Facebook, and I have seen his grown children, and pieces of the life he has created for himself. Though they are no longer together, he looks happy; he still has the laughter in his eyes that I loved. That in itself says a lot.
So I mourn the teenage relationship that could have been, the teenage relationship that was, and the love that was. You wouldn’t think after all these years I would still have deep feelings for this man, but the truth is I do. There was a reason I did what I did, and there is a reason I never let go. I loved him, I loved him so much I did not know how to express it in a rational manner and therefore it exploded in ways that were hurtful to both of us. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction, and my life was the epitome of dysfunction back then.
I have been asking why, why do I keep going back to the memories of him? Why does he keep seeping into my thoughts? What is it I need to see that I have not seen yet? Surely there must be a reason that as the other memories I have written lately have found their way out of my thoughts; and yet he has not? Is it loneliness, is there something I missed, is there more to come from this relationship? Is it the teenage girl’s obsession rearing its ugly head? Asking and asking, to no avail.
This morning that changed, after a very restless night; I woke from a dream. In this dream; I was in an office working with him and his daughters. It was as if we had just met, until the day was coming to an end and everyone went home except me and him. The lights went out, and he said this happens all the time you just have to go to this room and do this and they will all work again. I asked for him to show me in case it happened while I was alone. So he showed me the room and while my back was turned he lightly brushed my hair over my shoulder with his fingers and softly blew on the back of my neck. I took in a deep breath and closing my eyes and whispering “Dear God”. In a moment I was lying pulled against him with my back to his chest, and his arm around my chest; whispering I’ve missed you.
Something I had forgotten he did. I had been trying to remember what it was like when we’re lying next to one another. I remembered having been freezing and that we had to get close to stay warm, but the actual memory is so vague, I cannot find the details, just the overall feeling.
It’s funny this dream felt so real, that it made a type of peace within me. As well as it was true, I have missed him, and I do love him. I have said for years that love does not go away. You do not really stop loving someone just because you no longer choose to be with them. Love just sits there waiting for you to remember that it is there. The love I have for this man has not left and if anything it has increased. It is likely I will not see him again in this life, and even more likely that there will never be another moment of touch between us; as we live in different circles, pursuing different choices. Clearly that is why I have not run into him or any of them from that period of my life; in the last 30 years. We live in the same town if it was meant to be it would have been.
So for me I am grateful for him having blessed my life when he did, and I am grateful for the dream that brought me peace this morning. I love you Mick, I always have and I always will. May you know and receive all the joy this life has to offer.