A group of us are standing outside a restaurant waiting for a table when, one of my friends breaks into laughter as she was looking at me… This is when I want to check to see if I have something on my face, check my nose, and straighten my clothes…
I ask “what???” “It’s just so funny…” “What is so funny???” As she starts telling me that she and another friend *not present at that moment* had been talking about me a few days before, and how amazing it is to watch men around me… She mentions the time we were out walking a trail in near her house, and how the guy on the huge mower nearly drove off the road… I have to admit that was very funny… I start laughing with her… “Yes I know they do that a lot, I reply” and we start exchanging some of the funnier ones… I am not sure what to call it, maybe it is a gift, maybe a curse, and maybe it is just for entertainment???
Anyway it does happen a lot that they watch me that, they cannot stay away that sometimes they even trip on their way by… They do not understand what they see… They think they see just a woman, and they think that woman is not my type, and yet they cannot stop moving towards me… It is funny to watch it play out across someone’s face… If you watch you can actually see the dialog they go through… The places where they throw anger because they want the hot blond, and yet they are uncontrollably attracted to me… And look out when the guy is actually attracted to my framework because he is going to fall all over himself about it… He might even drive that mower off the road…
Though it really becomes problematic when I am attracted to him, somehow that is when things just get messy…
Years ago before I realized who I really was, before I understood, how a lot of this energy around me worked… I met a man, a very powerful amazing man who woke me up… He still does not get how he did this, and he is still uncontrollably attracted to me… We connected instantly, and powerfully, I did not know what this was and I fell in hard…
*He has my gift in reverse, he draws women to him, they are mesmerized by him and from this he finds he is a wrongness… He has created a situation around him of the obligation men hold on this planet… He must be the man and take care of those around him no matter the cost to himself… I understand this obligation, as I hold it in reverse… I must be the woman, the mother, I have spent the last couple years fighting this tendency, to care and coddle those around me to a point that they no longer do for themselves… I do it with everyone, and I feel like a total bitch when I stand back and let them sort it for themselves… Lately I have had the most difficulty with it, because I want to be taken care of I want to be coddled and I think why would anyone want to listen to me, take care of me, coddle me, when I refuse to care for them??? Maybe that is why I am so shocked when someone truly does want to???*
He set in motion a question I still ask myself often, and it is to this day heard in his voice… What do you want??? I used what I liked about him to find what I believe I wanted in a love… I made my list of what I want and drew him in, I know this person I have drawn in very well, I know right away we are meant to be… Hell, the reading actually said fated *and shortly after this is not always a good thing*… And yet this man does what I have experienced with men for years he starts out quite strong, and then pulls back… *they tell me now that, the man decides he likes the light and he opens the door to see the light that I am, and he realizes it is too much for him and he slams the door closed…*
We talked every day for a month before we met, when we met it was easy and fun… I was leaving on a trip that day and would be gone a week… We spoke some while I was gone; he invited me to hang out at the festival downtown when I returned… We were supposed to go to dinner, and then he met up with an old friend, and he totally blew me off… I figured he was just not that into me… Then he invited me again with a promise that it would be just us… From there we dated a few weeks and things progressed as they do, and he stayed with me overnight… The next day I am lost in the love bubble, and he tells me he wants to be just friends… *door slam* to say I did not take this well is to understate the situation to the point of ridiculous… Not that I had any choice at all… I proceeded to remain friends with him for the next several months… He would ask if I was dating and such and I would tell him whatever was going on at the time…
*I have always had men floating in and out of my life, rarely dating just one; not because I wanted to date everyone, because I like having a love around… Men rarely want to be stuck with one woman, so to have one around is to have many… Though that is no longer true for me, which is what makes this energy now so very odd for me… *
I moved to a new apartment and he offered to help, I let him… It was in this moment months from the original that he began to pursue me again, not having the control to resist… Not because I was doing anything at all, because I was being me, the one who attracts these men without intention… I would later marry this man believing to my core that this was it; only to find that it was all built on a foundation that would crumble around me… So you tell me, is it a gift, or a curse???