Dreams And Delusions

Do you ever feel completely unappreciated? It seems where I live the more I do the less I am liked. The more I give the more that is taken. Why is that? Why is that when I feel your anxiety of lack I want to fill it up so you no longer feel that anxiety, and the instinctual response is to take more?

When my children were younger 7-12ish my son had developed this way of getting more. I would buy pop tarts for them. I would buy flavors I knew each liked, however my son liked all of them and my daughter only liked certain ones. So he would eat the ones he knew she liked first, knowing that she would not eat the others. This way he got more. This is the energy running through my home right now. Gimme, Gimme, I want, gotta have, right now!

So when I share a little bit there is an expectation that I will share everything. This has me unnerved that I will not have things I have bought when I return; which has actually happened a couple times now. It is this I will take what you are sharing and hoard what I have so that I get it all, or I have to buy less. Therefore I will not have to buy as much.

I lived on my own for several years, so coming into this energy is weird for me. I want very much to feel I have what I need, and yet I feel very concerned that I have to hoard or hide my food and things or it will be presumed it is for everyone. I have noticed as well; that when I do not share my concerns of lack; such as not enough food, treats, money, etc. It is decided I have too much and it should be taken as though to even things out. However if I show concern regarding these things, the response is to share openly as if doing me a favor. Why is that? Is this simply a boundary issue? Is it something I have said or done? Or is it some deep seeded place within me that is bringing this forward? How do I shift it without being rude, offensive, or being just plain mean?

Why is it; every time I turn around there is someone else angry at or around me? Each time I seem to have one mess cleared up another begins. What is it I am choosing that is bringing this about? Am I creating the anger or the need for solution?

Why is it that when you are angry, you choose me to be the recipient of your lash out? Why is it that I choose to let you lash out at me? What is it that makes this an acceptable choice? Why are you surprised when I ask you if I have in some way upset you; when you choose to roll your eyes at my words to you? When you fully and cognitively act in a rude or aggressive manor towards me, am I to ignore your behavior? Am I to accept this as appropriate treatment of me? Do you in some way feel I should bow down to you and take your rudeness as a way of life? Do you truly believe that I do not see your eyes roll? That I do not see your eyes flutter in acknowledgement of my words being heard and thereby marking your decision to not respond? At what point does it become acceptable that my mere greeting to you has earned this reception? Have I truly created reason for such rudeness? And if so why would you not express it?

Really!???

I think not! I am over this treatment of me. Clearly I am being called on at this time to use my voice and to put up borders.

It has been 30 years, literally! You would think I would be over it, that I would have let it go? Apparently I have not mourned it properly, as this seems to be all I can think about.

I do remember whining about it, wishing I could change it, wanting a do over, and desperately obsessing over all the details of a relationship that never found its full potential.

I remember that I did not cry, but then I rarely actually cried back then; whine, snivel and moan yes, actually cry, no. As I have said before my method of getting over one has always been to get under another. Suck it up, and find a new one.

I remember sitting in the room and watching him with his new love, knowing this was it. We would not be together again, he had really moved on for good. I also remember doing the dreaded what does she have that I do not?

I know that what she had was the ability to talk to him in a way I was not able to. I had spent my whole life, or 17 years, watching my words. Having to be careful of what I said to everyone, in fear of being laughed at. Everyone at that point in my life had found something to make fun of me about.

Guys were the worst, they always turned and twisted my words into pervy plays; and this particular guy was extremely good at it. And then there is my mother, and family, though especially my mother; who had a way of making me look and feel stupid by my statements and questions *she still does this*.

So literally I have spent my life watching my words. Maybe that is why I love to write so much; I don’t have to be careful. When you come to read my words, they are mine and you do not get a say in how they play out, or how I feel about them. I can take my time and say what I like.

Back in the land of teenage boys, I was lucky or unlucky to hear what they said about the girls they dated, and slept with. I heard the comments about dead fish, and tuna, prude, tight, loose, etc. I lived in fear of these comments being used about me. Which was enough to make any girl clam up; but I took it way past that point. I could not deal with intimacy as a teen; in fact it would be my late twenties before I could have an intimate conversation without the giggles. Truth be told, I am still not great at it, unless it is in writing.

It has never been that I did not want to; it has been that whenever I am just about to say what I need to say, their patience has run out. Or in some cases, there was a refusal to admit that there was anything to talk about. When you ask questions about whether they have fantasies and desires; and you are told in no uncertain terms NO! It tends to make you feel as though sharing is not welcome. So I have not found a safe place in relationship for my words, thoughts, fantasies and desires. This does not mean I do not have them.

He clearly found the intimacy he required with her and like anyone would he seized it and moved on.

I recently found him on Facebook, and I have seen his grown children, and pieces of the life he has created for himself. Though they are no longer together, he looks happy; he still has the laughter in his eyes that I loved. That in itself says a lot.

So I mourn the teenage relationship that could have been, the teenage relationship that was, and the love that was. You wouldn’t think after all these years I would still have deep feelings for this man, but the truth is I do. There was a reason I did what I did, and there is a reason I never let go. I loved him, I loved him so much I did not know how to express it in a rational manner and therefore it exploded in ways that were hurtful to both of us. Dysfunction breeds dysfunction, and my life was the epitome of dysfunction back then.

I have been asking why, why do I keep going back to the memories of him? Why does he keep seeping into my thoughts? What is it I need to see that I have not seen yet? Surely there must be a reason that as the other memories I have written lately have found their way out of my thoughts; and yet he has not? Is it loneliness, is there something I missed, is there more to come from this relationship? Is it the teenage girl’s obsession rearing its ugly head? Asking and asking, to no avail.

This morning that changed, after a very restless night; I woke from a dream. In this dream; I was in an office working with him and his daughters. It was as if we had just met, until the day was coming to an end and everyone went home except me and him. The lights went out, and he said this happens all the time you just have to go to this room and do this and they will all work again. I asked for him to show me in case it happened while I was alone. So he showed me the room and while my back was turned he lightly brushed my hair over my shoulder with his fingers and softly blew on the back of my neck. I took in a deep breath and closing my eyes and whispering “Dear God”. In a moment I was lying pulled against him with my back to his chest, and his arm around my chest; whispering I’ve missed you.

Something I had forgotten he did. I had been trying to remember what it was like when we’re lying next to one another. I remembered having been freezing and that we had to get close to stay warm, but the actual memory is so vague, I cannot find the details, just the overall feeling.

It’s funny this dream felt so real, that it made a type of peace within me. As well as it was true, I have missed him, and I do love him. I have said for years that love does not go away. You do not really stop loving someone just because you no longer choose to be with them. Love just sits there waiting for you to remember that it is there. The love I have for this man has not left and if anything it has increased. It is likely I will not see him again in this life, and even more likely that there will never be another moment of touch between us; as we live in different circles, pursuing different choices. Clearly that is why I have not run into him or any of them from that period of my life; in the last 30 years. We live in the same town if it was meant to be it would have been.

So for me I am grateful for him having blessed my life when he did, and I am grateful for the dream that brought me peace this morning. I love you Mick, I always have and I always will. May you know and receive all the joy this life has to offer.

The universe is funny. I have been writing this book about me and going over those teenage years. Trying to remember the order of things, who did I meet when? What school was I in? What friends did I have? Where did I live? The timeline is important to, much of the story. Though as I am sure you know, the further you get from a situation the more blurry it becomes. People and situations just melt together. So to try and get more clarity, I have aimed more for the feeling of that period, which helps the memories come rushing back.

Specifically I am working on fourteen to seventeen, making it the early eighties. Even though there were two guys that predominately come to mind and took up much of my time, whether I was with them or thinking about them. There is one that has more draw and more potent feelings than the other.  This would be M.S.

It is truly awe inspiring to see from a distance what you could not see while in the midst. I think I have said before that I tend to be a runner, or at least I used to be. If you got too close I ran, if you did not have the look of what I believed love was supposed to look like, I focused somewhere else. This usually meant I settled for what it should look like instead of trusting my feelings.

Don’t get me wrong I loved them both, or at least I thought I did. It is far clearer now that I was protecting myself from being left, by choosing those I knew could never be with me fully, and or would never choose me; therefore making my inner victim right. The hard piece of this is that I would end up hurting those that might just be the ones that would show up for me, those that would and could truly love me.

M.S.  was my first real love, and though it probably didn’t seemed like it, though I truly did love him deeply and differently than any other man in my life. I know this to be true, I know because today I still love him, the type of love that lasts a lifetime, whether the relationship does or not. I will not tell you I was in love with him; this was the first in a line of many relationships where our feelings never seemed to be the same as the others in the same moment. If I loved him, he was aloof; and vice versa. This was the first in a long line of relationships with a failure to communicate; creating misunderstanding, after misunderstanding.

I can see now looking at the two relationships that one tried to have me with him and the other chose me simply because there was no other options. E.E. made passes at girls in front of me, in fact there was one time he purposefully made a pass at one of my friends from school that I had, had with me. She was happy to oblige him as well. This of course did not end well. I would find out later that E.E. had a habit of saying horrible things about me behind my back, and of course eventually they would make their way back to me.

Maybe I am being naïve, or maybe I have forgotten those moments; but I do not remember M.S. doing that. I do remember he was dating another girl, and it made me completely jealous, angry, and hurtful. I only saw her once; she was very pretty, and my understanding was that he was really stuck on her. I realize that neither of these guys sounds like the boyfriend of your dreams. But as we all know feelings are far more complicated than:  he is no good for you.

There are moments I can remember that prove there was something much deeper than meets the eye between M.S. and me. There is the fact that he made me shake, I mean literally when he would be nearby I would get so nervous I would shake even stronger than caffeinated jitters. That people couldn’t physically see it still surprises me. I remember only one other man that I had a similar reaction to, and with him it was heat, as in temperature. When he would get close to me either his temperature was really hot or his body being near made mine very hot. M.S. married my then BF’s cousin. Together they had two daughters, the first of which has my first name. Something I am still shocked by thirty years later.

So with all of this being said; I was out driving last night going over the notes and such that I have been immersed in the last couple weeks, pulling energy through those memories. Minutes later I was called to Canby, Oregon City, and West Linn, on different calls passing by all the neighborhoods of my teenage years. One of these rides was a teenager who goes to Oregon City High School, lives just off the road where I did, and had recently lived in Molalla. It made me laugh, I have been driving for four months now and I have not had rides in these areas. In fact I have intentionally avoided being close enough to Oregon City to be called. The start of these calls was while I was near my home which is not that close to Canby. It was the wish of the Universe that I should be physically close to these places last night.  It did bring back memories for sure. I am grateful for the memories.

This is it! The moment that we have all been working and waiting for!

This is the moment created by Tears, Truth, Heart, Light, Joy, Faith, Hope, Strength, Kindness, Compassion, and Most of All Love!

There is no going back, there is no undoing it! The transition is upon us. This is not like so many times before when we have come together and it did not succeed. We are farther than we have ever been, we have moved past so much, we have held together when we could easily have let go. This time it is! This planet and this universe will never be the same; we have moved it into a place that prophecy did not see, that fear could not stop, that darkness could not crush.

We are here hand and hand, our job now, in this moment is to see, to imagine, to create, through knowing our hearts the world we Love.

How Blessed are you? Do you see the miracles all around you in everyday life? I forget somedays how truly lucky I am.

Today I slept in, and I have had coffee, rewashed a load of laundry and put another load in, I have stripped the bed, and emptied the dish washer, and put the dirty dishes in, and I have played solitaire in between all while listening to the end of a book. This is what I usually do Sunday morning, nothing out of the ordinary. Until; I was standing in the bathroom, starring off at a painting hanging on my wall.

I should also mention that, today is a very sunny day, making my bedroom very bright. That I have many crystals of various shapes and sizes hanging from my window for the rainbow effect. The painting is of a couple sitting in a valley watching the night sky, full moon and all.

So while I am thoughtlessly starring of I see the rainbows moving across the wall and onto the painting. Though I start to notice when they get to the place where there is land they disappear. So I am literally watching a simulation of the aurora borealis play out over my painting. This continues for a while and I am in awe.

I went to get my camera to show you, plus keep a copy of this amazing picture. Though every time I tried to capture it, I was either too far away to see it in the picture, or too close in the light for it to show up. So you have to take my word for it. It was gorgeous and amazing and I feel incredibly blessed that I am the only one to seen it. Grateful for everyday miracles!

The man sat in that chair and told me I need balance! He said “your life is a series of extremes!” He said “I could not have a love in my life at this time, because I project those extremes on him; and that it is too much for anyone to handle!” He said “I needed to take a year and find balance!” He said “I needed to make friends, to ask for friends.” I have spent the last six months trying to remember this, trying to let it all go and find balance!

What The Fuck is balance?

How do you find balance?

What does it look like?

Where does it hide?

Only to have it all go belly up, again and again. No job, job, changing jobs. Friends, no friends, changing friends. This is insane; it just keeps becoming pear shaped over and over again. I find just a bit of anything even a little secure and it is pulled out from under me, time and time again. Then you ask me why I cling? That is truly funny; the real question should be why don’t I?

Apparently I must be quite delusional, because I thought I was one of the lucky ones. I thought those people I kept close to me, those sacred few. Also kept me close to them. But it turns out, not so much. Everyone has a “it depends”, don’t they? From my kids, to those I confide in “it depends”. If you behave this way, then yes, if you behave that way then no. If I share with you then yes, if you are asked to share with me “it depends”. If you go on a trip, I can be friends with those you are close to; if you are home then only if I go through you first. I am valuable to you only when I do as you believe I should. I am not worthy of your friendship, but you will accept mine.

It is an interesting world we live in.

I am so beyond words right now. I do not know how to explain the Energy that is in MOTION throughout my being in this moment. Of those that I love, those that I have held close in my world, those that I have chosen to entrust with my confidences. It seems I am not trusted in return; some have gone so far as to say “I have disappointed them” and others well “it depends”. I do not have the right to be close to their world, though I believed I already was; at least in some form. However it turns out that only I have seen it that way. Does that make me delusional?

I don’t get it; the more I let go the more I have taken from me. The more I try to remember that I do not get to choose for others. That mine is to accept, allow, and let go of the choices that others make for themselves, even when their choices impact me; all the while remembering that I too have the right to choose for myself. The more situations come up for this lesson. Shouldn’t it be done by now?

Balance in work; how do I have, balance in work when I have to work all the time just to make sure everything gets paid… Balance in love; how does one have balance in love when everyone seems done with me now? Balance in health; how do I have balance in health when I am battling a never ending cycle of this vitamin and that detox with this diet and that drink, don’t eat that, try this, no I mean that, have you tried?

He said “I need balance”, that “my soul was tired.” He said “I could not rely on a love or a single friend.” That I needed to find a support group, build new friendships, find a handful of people and build a new life. He didn’t say how!

He did say, as I keep hearing chanted over and over through my head, that “this person wouldn’t hurt me, though he wouldn’t invest any more into the relationship.” So there you are.

What I really want is to have a lot of money, to board a plane and let them all kiss my ass. Unfortunately in this moment I still have things to finish here.

Now about that balance? Any idea where it might be hiding? Does it own an invisibility cloak? *That would explain a lot you know!*

I signed up to drive for Uber last week and was approved yesterday morning. So I am an official taxi driver now…I still have my day job though I am totally itching to quit and do this full time. I like it, visiting with people and driving is way more fun that sitting at a desk trying to remember all the ins and outs of the automotive business; especially at month end.

Month end is this excruciatingly awful experience where you have to make it all balance together while working 12 hour days in which all you can do when you get home is eat and fall asleep, hopefully not at the same time, add on 1 hour in traffic to and from the job, and you get the picture… it totally bites… I have had the joy of two now and will probably make it through one maybe two more before leaving.

It’s funny, while I am writing this it just seems such a better way to spend my time driving, than in a corporate A/P job. Do you think I can make enough money at this job that I can quit the day job? I didn’t even focus yesterday on doing a lot I was really just trying to get acclimated to the process. So I was online looking for rides about 3 to 3.5 hours and I had 5 rides, however the last two were late night and there was only about five minutes between them. This says if you are open to working late you could definitely be productive.

The really great part is that I could write in the morning, and drive in the afternoon/evening on my own schedule. The question is can I make enough for this to be a feasible option to a 40 hour a week job? Will it pay the bills, rent, electric, credit cards, and the cost of the car, fuel, maintenance, insurance, data, etc.? it will remove the 75 miles I go to and from work each day, but then it adds the however many miles for running people around. The chair is far more comfy to sit it, yet it is still sitting all day. On the positive side I can take breaks and walk for a while if I like and no one will complain. I can also work through lunch and not get in trouble.

I think I will take a month to see how it pans out and then I will get back to you. Feel free to let me know what you think; I could definitely use another opinion.

Enjoy your day!

Can you say fiasco? Well I can! This week has been just that. I started my new job on Monday; did I tell you I finally got a job? After another two months of being without work I have gotten a new job. Well sorta new.

Here’s the story; about two years ago, when I first moved to the studio apartment after that whole ex-husband thing, I took a temp job with a prestigious car dealership as an operator. This was supposed to be a temp to hire position. It became very clear within a week that I was not going to be hired, as well as I did not want to be hired. The gal they had training me was a very nice person, and about three days in she went on vacation and I think she returned from vacation for about two full days when I left. So I think this position lasted all of a week and a half, maybe two???

Anyway the direct manager was a real bitch, and I do not use this term lightly. She is one of those people that if you do not totally suck up to her she treats you like crap. Her favorite was someone who watched YouTube video’s rather than answer customer calls. This is the joy of jobs like this; you get to see what the managers do not see. The manager liked her because she was great with customers *when others were there* and sucked up properly. What the manager did not see is as soon as she left the room she went back to doing whatever she wanted. You should be aware this company has achieved Elite status for what they do, so customer service is extremely important! Though at times, it was very difficult to get the manager to take calls. This was very frustrating; as you were being timed on how quickly you could get calls distributed. Don’t get me wrong I wouldn’t have wanted those calls either, but it was her job; and had been for fifteen years! The manager was also extremely condescending, especially to me the lowly operator temp. I was not allowed to do anything but wait for calls to come in, yet there was a lot I could have done. So I sat bored, people watching most of the time, being treated like an idiot.

A couple a days in she introduced around a gal that had previously worked there, and most everyone knew. Later I heard her saying stuff about this person coming back to work there in a couple weeks. Clearly I was not getting hired. So I called my temp agency and explained that I was not happy about this placement, and could I give notice and be placed on another assignment? The following morning I heard the manager on the call with the temp agency, and you could feel the anger from her. She hung up the phone got up and asked me out into the hallway. With a determined refrain she expressed that I was no longer needed and that I should leave now, I agreed and said I just needed to get my things from the desk. She then followed me back watching my every move as though I was going to freak out or steal something *ya right, I just wanted to leave*. She followed me back to the hallway and once out of ear shot of others she started yelling in that undertone thing people do when they don’t want to be heard by others but they do want to yell. She watched me leave; by the time I got to my car I could feel my whole body shaking. I drove down the road and pulled over to cry.

I headed to the temp agency, and before I got there they had called me. They said she called them and told them she let me go, and was I alright? Which tells you they knew she was rude, and angry, and less than professional? Once I arrived at the temp agency, they mentioned I was not the first that had asked to leave this particular position. So once again I am the guinea pig, lovely!

This was already one of the most difficult times in my life, sucky jobs, and sucky people, simply added to it all.

So here we are in the present. About two months ago I put an application in online for a position with the corporate office of this same company. I still do not know why, other than I needed it for unemployment. So I get a call from them just after I moved in to my new apartment. I was asleep when they called, and they conducted a mini interview, and let me know that they would get back to me should they want an in person interview. I remember thinking when did I apply for this? And that I probably wouldn’t hear from them again, on account it was clear I had been asleep.  Two weeks pass and I get another call this time asking would I like to be considered for a different position. Though it sounded like the same position, I said yes * I needed the stats for the unemployment claim*.

After deciding to take the interview, I figured no big deal I will go and not worry about it. I went and walked in not caring whether I got this job or not. It was a great interview, the lady was so funny and we got on really well * I remember thinking I would like to be her friend*. I left so not worried about the job, I did not fuss over it at all. Then a few days later I found I kinda wanted this job. At the end of the following week, she sent an email asking me to fill out the website job application for a background check, hmmm… and the following week she asked if I would like to have the job. What you need to understand is that I did not think I would make it this far at all, so when I filled out the info she asked for, I answered no to the question; have you ever worked for this company before?

Come on you would have done the same. Who is going to say yes; and it was one of the top 10 worst job experiences of my life! This is saying something as I think I have had easily fifty jobs over the years, as well as some very awful experiences. Not to mention technically I did not lie as I had worked for the temp company in one of their sites, not actually this company. Are you seeing the issue?

My first day I am doing all the paperwork and login  stuff when I open the email they have set up and there are over 5500 emails in it. They send someone to look at it, and say wow that is weird; you haven’t worked for us before have you? *oh Shit!* so I reply oh wait I think I did as a temp a few years ago for a few days and pass it off as if I had forgotten. Gratefully this seems to be ok. Yet it continues to come up the next couple of days. So now several people know I have lied, wonderful. That is not all; I know you thought that is not so bad. Well the next day I am introduced to my direct coworkers in a meeting, there are 5. They go around the room introducing and telling things about each of them. At this point you should know there is one girl that seems a bit stand offish, as well as a bit familiar. I just passed it off as how she was, and she looks like many people I have met over the years. She is pretty, yet a bit snotty. So I get set up at a desk, and doing what new people do while in training. *yet it is bugging me that she clearly doesn’t like me.*

It isn’t for two days or should I say nights before I realize why she doesn’t like me. I wake up in the middle of the night after a dream of the place from two years ago, and realize that she was one of the girls I sat with while at that job. The reason I am sure of that now is that she told a story at introduction that was so familiar; I kept thinking someone else had told me that story. I was right though it was her that had told me that story years ago. Can you say AWKWARD! Augh!!! You can’t really blame her for not liking me, as she only knows what the manager told her, and as mad as she was I am sure it wasn’t good.

So I am now working with her again trying to regain trust and show that I am not a terrible person. The night I dreamt this was just after a company function in which my boss made a comment that if I do not succeed there it will be all on her. Do you think it is possible that the other gal may have said something about the last experience? Yes, me too.

So now here we are I have finished a week of training and have been told I am doing great. I do not hate the job, though in truth I know at the first opportunity I will take a better position somewhere else. I am working in a dealership environment; this is not my place, it doesn’t feel good, and I do not like it. I do like the people and that is the only reason I took this job. They have all been wonderful to me and I feel a bit shitty saying I will leave, but I know at some point I will. I will as usual do my best while I am there, and I will work to have this gal not hate me, though I am sure when I leave again she will not like me even more. Inevitably I will leave, as I always do, and what I want for me is to be writing, not accounting.  So it appears I have made another mess…

How does it get better than that???

Do you fear the silence? Do you wonder if there may be something actually wrong with you when you cannot let there be silence? I sometimes *often* play songs again and again to keep there from being silence, to keep from hearing all that is going on around me and from within. Sometimes I play sad songs to feel something other than nothing. Do you do this?