I know that seems a silly request but for months now I have wanted to ask for your pillow… I know deep inside my heart that if I was to have your pillow, the place where you lay your head, I could feel safe, protected, loved, and most of all I could finally sleep…
It’s really a win win situation, you know… You get to be all distant, and dark, pretending I am not on your mind all the time, and that all you want is to touch me, and take care of me… And I can have a piece of you near me, something that smells like you, and feels like you, and it gives the illusion that you are close, when I close my eyes… Giving me that feeling of peace that I get when you are nearby, and I can sleep, I could finally fucking sleep…
Maybe then you would not be in my thoughts every minute of every day… Maybe if I could sleep, I could let go??? Maybe if I could sleep, I could carry on a basic conversation without something you said or did becoming the topic once again??? Maybe if I could sleep, I could move on, I could let go, I could let you go back to whatever life you were living… I could find someone who would enjoy being with me??? Maybe I could use that pillow as a band aid to allow all of this to heal over??? Maybe I could feel like there was someone out there again for me, instead of knowing the one is right before me and he is the only one I want… The others might be pretty but not like you… They might be nice, but they do not feel like you… There is no one else that feels like you…
I know I am supposed to be the strong one for me, I supposed to be the safe one for me, I am supposed to be the love for me, I am supposed to be the only one I need, I know I am supposed to be ok with being alone, in order to have someone to love… I know the only being I should be leaning on is me… They keep telling me that stupid thing, relax, breathe, let go… I get it!!! I do I totally get it!!! But I don’t know how to let go of this piece of me, that has been holding on for as long as I can remember, to being loved… So may I have your pillow???