Dreams And Delusions

Today I have been writing differently than I have in quite some time… I have been sorting out my priorities, resume, and such… I am at that crossroads again, that place that every time I turn seems to be there again… Turn this way, turn that way, and sometimes circle around and around as if on a never ending roundabout looking for the exit… I have been divorced for two years though it feels like last week… I have journeyed through the last few years with very little sight of what lays ahead of me… Every part of me is raw, and desiring to retreat and hide in safety… As much as that is what I would love to do, my guidance is saying something very different… It is time for me to join in a world I thought I had let go of several years ago… Back to work, back to the norm, back to the everyday of this reality…

It is so strange how happy most people are to hear that I will be doing the normal, nine to five job, existence of this reality… My being wants to scream NO, you cannot make me!!! I do not want to do it, and yet it is clearly time to do it… I have been guided to see it as another adventure, not as a death to me… I have to say for the most part I am excited, there is an ease that comes from doing what is expected of you… There is an ease when you are not playing tug-of-war at every turn, insisting that you do not have to be like everyone else…

So now is the time to blend in again, for the sake of my sanity as well as those around me, which have decided that they must worry for me… I have not asked them to worry, nor have I felt that it was at all necessary… I know that whether I remain in this life, or seek another that it is all an illusion… I am part of the oneness, I cannot truly be hurt, and I am never alone; for there is no alone to be… Spirit is with me every step of the way, guiding me as I journey through this human experience…

Next up an ordinary job, an ordinary home, an ordinary life, as an extraordinary being… It is time to learn to live in this city and state, as I did in another country… It is time to remember what it looks like to live for me, to choose for me, to navigate what it means to be true to me… What energy space and consciousness can I be that allows me to be me, in a world of the ordinary??? Who am I today, and what grand and glorious adventures am I having??? How does it get even better than that???

I get it, you are right… In every moment of every minute, hour, day, you are right… Of course why wouldn’t you be right??? You have lived my every moment, you know my every move, you feel my every feeling, thought, and emotion, how could you possibly be wrong???

I have been told that I am stupid, that I must promise not to do something, that I am a waste of money, I am worthless, I am a princess, I have champagne taste on a beer budget, I spend money like it is water, I am not intelligent, I make poor decisions, I have been on vacation for years, I have not accomplished anything in that time, I deserve what I get, and the list goes on and on… All of this in a few short days…

I agree you are right, and I have created this… You probably think I am being derogatory, though it isn’t true… I agree, I have been guided to ask for help, and I have followed that guidance knowing I would hear less than favorable responses… I have asked for things that seem ridiculous… I have leaned on people, and friends in times of which I should have sucked it up and depended solely on myself… I have trusted people I knew better than to trust… I have appeared less than capable to many; as though I am some pathetic little being who knows not what she is about… I have allowed and asked, many to give me advice instead of following my knowing… So clearly in each of these actions I have mislead you to believe that I need you, and your approval to exist here on this planet in peace… I apologize for that, and I ask your forgiveness for this lie…

So I would like to clear this up for those I have misled… I do not need your permission to exist… I appreciate from my heart everything everyone has done for me, in this moment and all the moments leading to this moment… I am grateful that you care so much for me that you would take the time and effort to show me all the crappy shit I say to myself daily, and how unfounded it all is… I apologize for taking your time and asking for advice that I have not taken… I apologize for every time I have shown weakness that is clearly not true… I love and honor you, and your knowing for showing me I have to put on my big girl panties, and move forward through the lame ass story I have been weaving…

I would like to take one final opportunity to play my victim card, and ask how fucking dare you think for one fucking moment that I do not know what I have to do, from working to a place to live… I am not sure what I have said or done that would make you think that these priorities are not on my mind most of the time… I realize that there are many times that I cry, and seem to be weak; if you believe me to be weak, or simple minded you have been misled… I have been a wife, a mother, and have remained alive 45 years in this life; how you could possibly think that I am unaware of what is required in the everyday sustaining of life in this reality, is beyond me… I get that I created this, and I am destroying it right now… So if for one moment you think it is your responsibility to tell me, what my next steps are, let me assure I KNOW!!! I am so tired of fighting for the right to be here… Has it ever occurred to you that maybe this is some journey of learning how to ask for what I need??? That in my journey of learning who I am, all the dumb shit people think I do is all part of what I require to know who I am??? Has it occurred to anyone that the things you think I have done are not how you see them??? Have you considered for just one second that it may have been light for me even if it wasn’t light for you??? And if it isn’t light for you, where did it become your responsibility to make the decision it couldn’t be light for me??? What if everything I have said, done, thought, been, has all been part of some elaborate plan for my being that you could not possibly understand considering you are not me??? You are Right; I have created this mess that is my life… I am here and now destroying it, and uncreating it… RWGBPPANSBB

I love you all with all my heart and being, and honor your friendship and your knowing that you are who you have come here to be; as I am who I have come here to be…

How does it get even better than that???

I have a storage unit, a reserved truck, and a date… I am on the move again…

This has so been the story in my life… There was a time where I was moving twice a year in my twenties… It has rather been the theme the last couple years as well, between here and England… I have to say I like the person I am when I am in England… I like the freedom of being and doing what I choose, and whatever that looks like there is no reference point, nowhere to say oh well you did it this way last time…

This house has been my home for many years here in Portland, and I will miss it… All its quirky stuff, knowing where the best light is to write, at each point in the day… It’s amazing how much effort one puts into where they live… I know all the things that live here, which ones were gifts to me, from me, wedding gifts from our friends and family… I remember the painting, cleaning, celebrating in the rooms… Do you know we spent less than fifteen minutes walking through this house before making the decision to buy it… It had just what we had spent weeks looking for, big rooms for picky teenage girls, a comfy feel, plenty of space to have friends over, and a big yard… We have had many great gatherings here, Birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Halloween * 42 counted*, there was even a book club that had almost all members in attendance *might have been all of them, the back deck was full*, and I hosted a Wedding recently as well…. This house has seen the last of our children through their teenage years, High school graduations and off to University, and on to their twenties…  Good job house, you are loved, and I am truly grateful…

Now it is on to something new… What you ask???; I have no idea… I am on the wings of faith and prayer… I know it will all come together beautifully… I am open to what that will look like… Maybe it will be Italy, France, Eugene, California, Georgia, or maybe I will remain in Portland??? All of these options have crossed my path, and all are possibilities… There have been a few moments recently that I thought I may have a reason to stay around this area, and yet all have moved into other possibilities; leaving me free to flow with the wind… Now is the time to like and love who I am here, knowing that from here, there is again no reference point…

How does it get even better than that??? What are the infinite possibilities??? How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine???

It appears I might be quite picky… I really have never considered myself picky; Up until recently I have thought that I was easy going at least for the most part… That I would and did take people and things as they are, that my expectations were few… It seems when given a choice of any kind, I seem to be quite particular; and even at that I often choose none over almost, not quite, or close enough… I know I like things a certain way and have done some unusual stuff in order to get over a lot of that… Such as I have had to cognitively allow my bedroom to be a bit of a mess, in order to get past the compulsive need for everything to be just perfect all the time… There have been times in which my closet has been organized by size, shape, and color… There have also been many of evening when I simply cannot stand it anymore and I have to put everything to rights… The last six months or so have been a test of my allowance at every turn… Do I complete a task belonging to someone else simply because I cannot stand how it looks or feel???  If you leave a mess and it does not bother you, and it bothers me, can I allow it to stay??? Do I tell you to clean it up??? Or do I clean it up???  It is me it is bothering after all… Who belongs to it???

Out of many *approximately a hundred* different interactions (email, text, phone conversation, and picture swap) in the past few months… I have met five that I could actually see myself dating… That makes 5% of a guesstimated total… If we start chatting and I think your amusing, intelligent, fun; and then your picture does not match the image I had for you; does that make me a snob??? Why do I sometimes feel like I am obligated to continue despite that I do not find your picture attractive??? Sometimes I find the guy very attractive and the personality not so much… Sometimes I think he is attractive and a great personality, and yet there isn’t a click, uumph, or anything really… One time I didn’t really have any of that it was rather blah, and he kissed me and that changed all of it *that was a shock*… Is that settling or does it make me picky??? Is being picky a bad thing??? Is settling a bad thing??? Am I being choosy to simply be choosy??? The ones I choose certainly do not choose me in return, or at least they do not admit it… So why do I choose them??? Do I know they will not agree??? Is it a way to be on my own??? If so why not choose to be on my own???

There are so many things I have discovered about me in the last six months… I cannot say that I have had the greatest experience between dating and readjusting to the US… It has been illuminating for sure, and for that I am very grateful… I have met a lot of people that have set off old triggers, and I have allowed many to pass without reaction, with just a willingness to watch it play out… I have seen where I have been holding onto things that should have been released long ago… It seems as much as I can be picky, I also require you to end it, for me to let go… I can be told things such as you’re a tease, a snob, a bitch, and have not felt I had to prove them wrong or right… I have learned that as much as I have always thought I wore my feelings out in the open, few people actually can read them… Even my children do not know by my expression how I feel… Which is such a surprise, I cannot even begin to express… I recently had someone I thought knew me pretty well, and I also thought he knew how I felt about him, make a comment that completely shocked me; he said “he would go on ahead, so I did not have to be seen with him”… Wow!!! I really thought he was just being snarky, and then I realized there was a truth in that for him…

It’s crazy, totally and completely crazy… When I have readings done or energy work with anyone; it is clear that I am a sensitive or an empathic… Someone who feels what is all around them… There are times I cry for days and none of the pain or tears are mine… There are times I cry, through the joy of the moment… I can feel your anger like waves rolling in from the ocean… The stronger you are, the clearer the feeling… I can see images play out around you… And yet you have absolutely no idea how I feel about you, or what is happening in the moment… I have laughed at inappropriate moments, and it is assumed it is at the being; and the truth is I am simply happy to be there, that I find joy in being… I cannot answer when you are angry from stumbling over the words and phrasing to heal you, and it is assumed I am cold and without feeling… If I share what I feel, you leave; it becomes way more than can be embraced in the moment… If I don’t share what I feel, you leave; believing I have no feelings at all… They say you must have a joyful grateful heart to have what you choose, if it cannot be seen; does it mean it isn’t there???

How does it get better than that???

What else is possible???

What part of me sees true love as a Greek tragedy??? Can it be real deep earth shattering love if there are no star crossed lovers??? If everything is beautiful and amazing and no one refuses the others love even when it appears that that love has been dipped into corrosive acid??? Can it be real earth shattering love if it is amazing and beautiful in a way that is so far from amazing or beautiful; instead it is raw, hot, dark, unhappy in places, unkind, messy, compassionate, true??? Is it love if it is two very confused, angry, longing open hearted people coming together to share and shift towards a different reality??? If no one simply refuses to see that they love and can still have everything they would choose??? Even if that choice is not pleasant???

Do I really believe that real love is drama??? In order to have the love of my life, I must overcome years of strife??? Is real earth shattering love something you have to earn through pain, trial, and tribulations??? Is real love the story of Romeo and Juliet, Catherine and Heathcliff, Ross and Rachel, Elizabeth and Mr. Darcy, and every other almost but not quite, years of difficulty before embracing each other relationship; I have seen on TV or read in a novel??? Why is it that is what I have chosen???

Have you ever had the most amazing experience of your life and decided what you created with this person couldn’t be real??? So you have to leave refusing every part of your own nature as you did??? Have you ever made a judgment and a choice for someone else??? He could never love me??? Why would he love me??? He is so much better off without me??? I will just save him the trouble, the heartache, the choice and leave… Avoiding a rejection that never happened??? Why is it only when I am about to lose what I do not choose, I take notice??? This is not completely true, I have been noticing for some time… I simply made the judgment that he would not choose it with me… Despite being told over and over something very different, which I refused to believe… I took his choice making it look like I would not choose it and now I am begging, pleading, praying with my whole heart that he will not take my choice…  That he will gift me the joy of him, no matter how that looks… I can see where I have contributed to this drama, and where my deep desire to be tragically loved, or at least to tell this amazing story of how we overcame all this bullshit that doesn’t matter at all, so that I could continue on the path of righteous victim that I have chosen to let play out here… I would truly like to choose something else now… I made a big mess, and he let me… We work well together in those realms… What would it look like if we took all that we know, and allowed each other the freedom to be the crazy mixed up beings that we are; and yet we did it together offering a hand whenever possible???

“Half of what I say is meaningless; but I say it so that the other half may reach you.”
― Kahlil Gibran
Love, Love, Love

Have you ever seen anyone die??? I mean have you seen them physically leave this planet??? I have… I watched my Dad choose a very harsh ending to a very difficult unhappy life, seven years ago last week… He assures me it was his choice, and that he got from it the growth he came here for… Not that it was easy to watch, or participate in… I still see his frame so slight, so frail, so completely in pain… So not a pretty place to be… My dad and I were not close in the last years of his life, not that we were all that close before, he wasn’t really close to anyone… Up until the last few months before he passed away we had not spoken in years… An old friend is actually the one who told me that he was ill… Clearly you can see I was not close to any of my family… I knew he had health issues for some time; I knew he had had the beginnings of dementia at least five *probably closer to ten*years before his passing… He was however very lucid with me, while I was with him…

My dad died of lung cancer, in a yucky little trailer, surrounded by family… He was on the usual drugs, and taken care of by family and hospice… It was the saddest, hardest thing to watch…

I loved him deeply, despite that he was not my biological father; he was the only father I had known… We were connected in ways that were different from my sisters and brothers, and we believed very similarly about life… A few weeks before his passing I was visiting him and he told me things I had needed to hear from him for so long… There was much hurt, betrayal, abandonment, and anger around our relationship… Really that has been the theme with both my parents, though since his passing I have mended a great deal of that with my mother…

My dad has chosen to be one of my guides now, and has been with me since he passed… I have to say I was really more pissed about it than anything, when I found this out… I was ranting and yelling because he had never been there for me while he was here, why would he choose now to be??? I even spoke to my mother about it and she said he was a very light being and that she was not surprised, however I was surprised she was so kind about him, she was rarely kind while he was here… So in all of this I am truly grateful he stands beside me now, and he is a true gift everyday… Though that little girl still cries for her daddy, and throws a fit that he is not here in the physical…

I know he made his own choices, and I know that what he chose was for his own growth… I know that we each choose for ourselves how we will identify with this life… Knowing all this does not necessarily make it easier… I have been watching lately other people’s choices; especially around illness…

I met this gentleman from New Orleans, while I was away last month… This gentleman was a lovely being trying to create change in the world… He was leading a class called it’s a splendid life… Of course this resonated with me, so I attended his workshop… This man is very ill; you could see and feel it just by being near him… You could feel the years of abuse in his body; he elaborated on all of this during his class as well… He is a gay man in his late 60’s; he has had aids for many years… He was severely beaten all through his childhood… He lives every day with extreme pain from injuries that have never healed properly… He has devoted his life to overcoming as well as teaching others to overcome where they use life’s suffering, as a way to keep from being all that they are, or can be…  He has despite all he has been through lived an amazing life… He has had a documentary made about his life… *He also met with and hugged the beautiful Lady Diana shortly before she passed; which he is very proud of*

He had while in his workshop singled me out, in hopes to use my weight as a trigger, to assist in showing others how to implement a new way of thought… I did see me, trigger and went into my access tools to release it… Later in the evening he came up to me, to apologize and explain what he had hoped he would achieve through his comments… I told him that I had simply used the tools I had learned, and asked if he was aware of Access Consciousness??? This is how we started talking over the next few days… I stopped to talk with him the next morning in his booth, and we were discussing the pain he held in his body… I mentioned again the energy work I do, and I offered him a session, and even more, if he was open to having different possibilities??? He replied very honestly with, no; that he took a lot of different prescriptions that would not allow it to work, as well as that he identified with his injuries, illness, and pain in such a way that if they were removed he would not know who he was anymore… This was his choice…

I have had others tell me similar things, that no they are not willing to have any energy work done… Sometimes the energy is that they do not want what feels like it would be a false hope… Other times it is clear that they have used their illness as a way of life, a way to have attention, a way to show their strength and bravery… I totally understand all of this; I have done it for years… Look how strong I am, I have overcome a lot of abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and I could tell you story after story… I have told them, and I can have you wondering how I get out of bed each day… Or I can get out of bed each day… Each is a choice, and yes I am saying it is all a choice… I know that is not a popular thing to say, and I know it tweaks peoples buttons, to say we makes these choices, and that they do not just happen to us… There are those who say; what about babies that are sick??? Every being makes their own choices; they choose their parents, their friends, their partners, their illness, their triumphs, everything… We do not even take a breath without a choice, even when you choose not to choose you have made a choice… Babies are no different, you and I have no idea what choices the being, that is embodied in a baby’s body has made in his or her past life, or what growth they have come here for… Just because the body is small does not mean the being within is new… By no means am I saying that I do not have compassion for the being, or that I would not choose something else for them; I am saying that we all make choices for ourselves, no matter our age or size…

When I tell you my dad chose to be ill, I know that he did, and if I needed confirmation of that, he told me the same thing… What did he get from it??? I have no idea… His words to me were; “he made his choices for himself, and though he was truly sorry for any hurt he may have caused, it was absolutely necessary for his growth as a being”…  I like, others ask why would someone choose such a painful exit??? And yet they do every day… We are not privy to the choices of anyone other than ourselves, and it is not possible to truly know why someone makes any choice they make… Even when they tell you why, they often leave out what they either do not believe to be important, or simply do not want you to see…

I would choose for you love, compassion, kindness, ease, and all the joy this life has to offer in every moment, of every day; if you do not choose this for yourself; I honor your choices whatever they are, as I would like you to honor mine…

How does it get even better than that??? What else is possible??? How could this all be better than anything we could ever plan or imagine???

I have been sharing here, and with those beings in my life very differently than I used to, and even though it seems I am saying similar things over and over, they are each so very different… I have had some old friendships, and many new that have a history from far beyond this life… So it comes up a lot here *when it rains it pours*… I look at a lot of this and see that it appears on the surface that I think everyone is a soul mate, or someone I have known from my past lives… I would say that is because I rarely write about the many others that float through my life and do not feel that way at all… They are there; they each bring something for me to look at as they quickly pass through… I have also found a place of closure here, or at least a willingness to get it out, so that it can become something else… I cannot tell you how differently I see things through this journal than I had before… I can see more and more the patterns I have chosen, and I can see how even as they sometimes continue, I view them differently than I had before… I can see where you cannot the way in which I handle many situations from as little as a month or two ago so very differently now, and yet some have changed very little… Yes, I do quickly get into things and back out of them… I can see details I did not notice before, and I am willing to allow many things to just keep going without stopping in my world at all…

How does it get even better than that??? What else is possible???

Yesterday I spent the whole day writing, this is unusual… I generally get up and do the check my mail, facebook, etc… Then I will write for a couple hours, maybe talk to friends… Though I spoke to with a friend first thing in the morning… I explained to her that I had to write this letter, and I wasn’t sure what to say, or how to say it… I started writing the letter just after I got off the phone at 9:30 and with few interruptions; I continued writing through until nearly 5:00… I had been up off and on throughout the night before with restlessness, a need to write this letter… I could feel urgency around it; I took my friends advice and started with questions, as I am sure you have noticed I usually end with them, though sometimes they are also throughout… What do I say that allows this to be what is required in this moment??? As I write this letter I notice that it quickly became every conversation I have had with this person in my head over the years… I am asking the energy, if it is light, I am questioning the amount of information I am giving… I am sharing what was really going on in the background of what were our typical conversations… *Maybe I should tell you that my friendship I share with this person is very unusual for me, and yet completely honest in its nature, we rarely speak about ordinary stuff…* This letter goes on and on; two thousand words before it is complete… I read and reread it before ending it, thinking are you sure this is a lot to tell anyone, and what is to be done with it all???

Honestly it felt good to finally say it, which is weird all by its self… Usually I get knots in my stomach, and feel sick when I share like that… I like most people share what I want you to know, and yet this time I was guided to share even the parts I don’t like or that make me wiggle uncomfortably… Some of it I know I have said before, if not entirely, definitely in pieces… The weirdest piece of all of this is I sent it, I said it was being sent and I did, every time I thought about it there was no knot, and when I watched the energy around it, I found that I smiled more than freaked out… I am guessing it has to do with my willingness to be vulnerable, and knowing that no matter how it is taken, I gave it in truth…

How does it get better than that??? What are the infinite possibilities??? How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine???

I talked about you last night… It’s been a while since I let me do that… Instead I try to keep myself busy with others… I do not lay there and think about you in the morning anymore, mostly because I won’t let me… I don’t like that you believe that I am not part of you… I know you have decided to let go for the moment, I figured it would come to that at some point… I don’t like how comforting it was just having you in my energy, even when you chose not to be in my life… I just realized it today, while making coffee… I have been sleeping in again, something I stopped doing while you were here… All that; I have to get up and live energy of yours, despite your conceding that there may be life in bed as well… Your messages are slowly deleting themselves from my phone, as time goes by, soon they and you will be gone from there too… I asked about you before I left on my trip… I asked mostly what I already knew, like about how you feel to me, about how you do not remember me… I asked if it was done, and I asked if you would show up??? Of course I already knew the answers to all this… Not that they were the least bit comforting, probably just more confusing really… I know it will all sort itself out… I know I have to let go of you for now as you have of me, and yet clearly I have not yet done so… With so many endings in my life I had so hoped you would not be one of them… At least not energetically… It still amazes me how just one text from you could make my whole day, how it didn’t matter if you spoke to me after, just good morning… I spent a lot of time watching the clock at night to predict your sweet dreams, sometimes jumping in so the silence wasn’t so loud… It still blows me away that for someone I knew so little about, you could have such a profound impact on my life, and it still feels like you had been there all along… I have been reaching for anything that feels even close, only to discover it is not the same; yes there have been people that I have had true connection with, though it is not the same… It’s not the same, another theme in my life… Worse I can’t even get a clear reference as to why… In the world of me this is where I struggle; why… I know there is no answer, there is no reason, there is no understanding, and it just is what it is…

For your information; you are not a bad friend, we simply didn’t operate from friend…. You did not hurt me, I did, and I chose to ignore what you were choosing… I would love to tell you; you are right it is all your fault and I did… You are right you continued to pursue what you say you do not want, which was extremely frustrating… Though if I had been honest I would have known to make you a friend, and stop trying for what you are not ready for, and may never choose in your life from anyone…

Why can I see you??? More to the point why can’t you??? What would it take for you to see you??? What would it take for you to see what I see??? What would it take for you to remember me??? Why is it that I have such an amazing gift, and yet it can be so painful at times??? Do you know what it is like to look into your eyes and know who you are, and then try to communicate with the ghost you use as a front to the true being you are??? It is haunting, I can still see them as if I am sitting at lunch with you right now… It is this way with so many beings, I can see them, and they cannot… Someday I hope that I will determine the difference, before becoming attached to the true being… Have I told you I can see us in other lives??? I have been gifted these visions with few and you are one… I see movies, they are like an entire year playing out in a fraction of a second… I don’t see the detail as much as feel the overall situation and beings… I see blips of people and know who they are by how they feel… There was a time when all this happened very seldom and I thought it was all my imagination… It happens a lot more now, and I welcome it, as well as I have been asking for my gifts to show up for quite some time… There are still moments that I think I must be making it all up; and yet it is all true… I am grateful for the gift of sight, of hearing, and knowing… I am also grateful you are here in this world with me, even if you choose not to know me… I will always know you… I too dearly wish you well…

How does it get better than that??? What else is possible??? How could all this be better than I could ever plan or imagine???