It appears I might be quite picky… I really have never considered myself picky; Up until recently I have thought that I was easy going at least for the most part… That I would and did take people and things as they are, that my expectations were few… It seems when given a choice of any kind, I seem to be quite particular; and even at that I often choose none over almost, not quite, or close enough… I know I like things a certain way and have done some unusual stuff in order to get over a lot of that… Such as I have had to cognitively allow my bedroom to be a bit of a mess, in order to get past the compulsive need for everything to be just perfect all the time… There have been times in which my closet has been organized by size, shape, and color… There have also been many of evening when I simply cannot stand it anymore and I have to put everything to rights… The last six months or so have been a test of my allowance at every turn… Do I complete a task belonging to someone else simply because I cannot stand how it looks or feel??? If you leave a mess and it does not bother you, and it bothers me, can I allow it to stay??? Do I tell you to clean it up??? Or do I clean it up??? It is me it is bothering after all… Who belongs to it???
Out of many *approximately a hundred* different interactions (email, text, phone conversation, and picture swap) in the past few months… I have met five that I could actually see myself dating… That makes 5% of a guesstimated total… If we start chatting and I think your amusing, intelligent, fun; and then your picture does not match the image I had for you; does that make me a snob??? Why do I sometimes feel like I am obligated to continue despite that I do not find your picture attractive??? Sometimes I find the guy very attractive and the personality not so much… Sometimes I think he is attractive and a great personality, and yet there isn’t a click, uumph, or anything really… One time I didn’t really have any of that it was rather blah, and he kissed me and that changed all of it *that was a shock*… Is that settling or does it make me picky??? Is being picky a bad thing??? Is settling a bad thing??? Am I being choosy to simply be choosy??? The ones I choose certainly do not choose me in return, or at least they do not admit it… So why do I choose them??? Do I know they will not agree??? Is it a way to be on my own??? If so why not choose to be on my own???
There are so many things I have discovered about me in the last six months… I cannot say that I have had the greatest experience between dating and readjusting to the US… It has been illuminating for sure, and for that I am very grateful… I have met a lot of people that have set off old triggers, and I have allowed many to pass without reaction, with just a willingness to watch it play out… I have seen where I have been holding onto things that should have been released long ago… It seems as much as I can be picky, I also require you to end it, for me to let go… I can be told things such as you’re a tease, a snob, a bitch, and have not felt I had to prove them wrong or right… I have learned that as much as I have always thought I wore my feelings out in the open, few people actually can read them… Even my children do not know by my expression how I feel… Which is such a surprise, I cannot even begin to express… I recently had someone I thought knew me pretty well, and I also thought he knew how I felt about him, make a comment that completely shocked me; he said “he would go on ahead, so I did not have to be seen with him”… Wow!!! I really thought he was just being snarky, and then I realized there was a truth in that for him…
It’s crazy, totally and completely crazy… When I have readings done or energy work with anyone; it is clear that I am a sensitive or an empathic… Someone who feels what is all around them… There are times I cry for days and none of the pain or tears are mine… There are times I cry, through the joy of the moment… I can feel your anger like waves rolling in from the ocean… The stronger you are, the clearer the feeling… I can see images play out around you… And yet you have absolutely no idea how I feel about you, or what is happening in the moment… I have laughed at inappropriate moments, and it is assumed it is at the being; and the truth is I am simply happy to be there, that I find joy in being… I cannot answer when you are angry from stumbling over the words and phrasing to heal you, and it is assumed I am cold and without feeling… If I share what I feel, you leave; it becomes way more than can be embraced in the moment… If I don’t share what I feel, you leave; believing I have no feelings at all… They say you must have a joyful grateful heart to have what you choose, if it cannot be seen; does it mean it isn’t there???
How does it get better than that???
What else is possible???