I get it, you are right… In every moment of every minute, hour, day, you are right… Of course why wouldn’t you be right??? You have lived my every moment, you know my every move, you feel my every feeling, thought, and emotion, how could you possibly be wrong???
I have been told that I am stupid, that I must promise not to do something, that I am a waste of money, I am worthless, I am a princess, I have champagne taste on a beer budget, I spend money like it is water, I am not intelligent, I make poor decisions, I have been on vacation for years, I have not accomplished anything in that time, I deserve what I get, and the list goes on and on… All of this in a few short days…
I agree you are right, and I have created this… You probably think I am being derogatory, though it isn’t true… I agree, I have been guided to ask for help, and I have followed that guidance knowing I would hear less than favorable responses… I have asked for things that seem ridiculous… I have leaned on people, and friends in times of which I should have sucked it up and depended solely on myself… I have trusted people I knew better than to trust… I have appeared less than capable to many; as though I am some pathetic little being who knows not what she is about… I have allowed and asked, many to give me advice instead of following my knowing… So clearly in each of these actions I have mislead you to believe that I need you, and your approval to exist here on this planet in peace… I apologize for that, and I ask your forgiveness for this lie…
So I would like to clear this up for those I have misled… I do not need your permission to exist… I appreciate from my heart everything everyone has done for me, in this moment and all the moments leading to this moment… I am grateful that you care so much for me that you would take the time and effort to show me all the crappy shit I say to myself daily, and how unfounded it all is… I apologize for taking your time and asking for advice that I have not taken… I apologize for every time I have shown weakness that is clearly not true… I love and honor you, and your knowing for showing me I have to put on my big girl panties, and move forward through the lame ass story I have been weaving…
I would like to take one final opportunity to play my victim card, and ask how fucking dare you think for one fucking moment that I do not know what I have to do, from working to a place to live… I am not sure what I have said or done that would make you think that these priorities are not on my mind most of the time… I realize that there are many times that I cry, and seem to be weak; if you believe me to be weak, or simple minded you have been misled… I have been a wife, a mother, and have remained alive 45 years in this life; how you could possibly think that I am unaware of what is required in the everyday sustaining of life in this reality, is beyond me… I get that I created this, and I am destroying it right now… So if for one moment you think it is your responsibility to tell me, what my next steps are, let me assure I KNOW!!! I am so tired of fighting for the right to be here… Has it ever occurred to you that maybe this is some journey of learning how to ask for what I need??? That in my journey of learning who I am, all the dumb shit people think I do is all part of what I require to know who I am??? Has it occurred to anyone that the things you think I have done are not how you see them??? Have you considered for just one second that it may have been light for me even if it wasn’t light for you??? And if it isn’t light for you, where did it become your responsibility to make the decision it couldn’t be light for me??? What if everything I have said, done, thought, been, has all been part of some elaborate plan for my being that you could not possibly understand considering you are not me??? You are Right; I have created this mess that is my life… I am here and now destroying it, and uncreating it… RWGBPPANSBB
I love you all with all my heart and being, and honor your friendship and your knowing that you are who you have come here to be; as I am who I have come here to be…
How does it get even better than that???