Dreams And Delusions

Recently I met someone who was so amazing and wonderful *one of many really*… Though in this case this person chose friendship with me… We hit it off right away and talked for hours… We have hung out a few times *and talked for hours*, and really it was just so easy and fun to talk with him, that I was truly grateful he chose friendship over anything else… It’s one of those times where having the friend over a romantic connection means that you get to keep your friend and therefore the friendship is the better choice… So about a month ago he went on a trip overseas, the last message I got was “landed safely”… I have sent several messages with no replies… I knew when he was supposed to be back, and messaged after that date… No answer, clearly he has no desire to speak to me… I have gone over it, again and again… I must have said something, he didn’t like??? Though I got the reply he was safe, so if I had said something before then would he have sent that??? I have no idea, probably me and my big mouth again… Wouldn’t be the first time I said something out of line… Anyway, here is another one of those places where I would think that the person in question would say what had happened… That I could apologize for my offense, and salvage a friendship, or know why it ended…

I know what you are thinking, anyone who doesn’t even give you a chance, doesn’t deserve your friendship… People have been saying stuff like this to me for my whole life… He is not worth it, he doesn’t deserve you, you’re too good for him, fill in the blank _____…   Despite that tearful head bob of agreement, I still do not see this as true for me… I love, for me it is really that simple… If I bring you in my world, it is because I feel connection and I love… I would not like to see any being out in the cold without love… I know my love is powerful, and I know that I am powerful; I know my friendship is something very worth having, and that it will stand the test of time… It does not make me less when you choose something else… We all deserve friendship and love that holds through time… We are all worthy, of all that is worth having, especially love and friendship… I am definitely a unique, though so are you, and I will never be too good or anything else for you… In the end it is not me he is rejecting, it is himself; and I cannot express how my heart breaks that this is the choice… I saw, and still can see this being in my life, he felt like someone who would stay… I know I have absolutely no choice in the decisions of others; I have to accept his choice, and move on… I will of course do this, and when he comes to mind I will hope he is well, and wonder what happened… My heart will expand in the break and open just a bit more for the next being to come in…

As much as all of this has been playing out in the theme of my life lately, I have to say it is exhausting… I keep telling you, of all these deep connections, only for them to drop out of my life… In some cases it feels like I must have been deceiving myself, and yet I know, that I know, that I know… When I look at the energy, then and now, it has not changed… I have connection with these beings… Some clearly are short lived at this time, and there are others that are not…

How could this be better??? What else is possible??? What energy space and consciousness can I be that invites beings to stay???

I spent all day out in the sun walking around… I know this sounds wonderful, and really it was overall…

It’s just that it took all day to do what normally takes about three maybe three and a half hours… When I say that, I am so not joking… I left the house at 9:15am… I went to an appointment in the morning that lasted under a half hour, and in a car is about 10 min from where I am currently living… I visited two banks, not staying for longer than 5 minutes in either, also about ten minutes by car, and two minutes apart… Even with the flirting assistant manager, I love this guy and had been wondering where he had gone, from my other branch… Even more fun, not only did he remember me, he left a group conversation to come and chat with me… I was very tempted to ask him out, he is very pretty… I then went to get some lunch across from the bank, and stopped by Starbucks, less than a half hour for both… Off to get a pedicure, located about 10 minutes from the banks and about 20 to 25 minutes from where I am staying… The total appointment was about two hours; I got there at 3:15 and left at five * I had to have them repair them, because I bumped into it while it was wet*… I arrived back here at 6:30pm… Seriously, I have been out all day… So that means that it took five and a half to six hours to get around on the bus/max/walking… Wow!!!

The worst part is that, I had hoped to be writing all day… I am sleepy and hungry, and feeling a bit like I should work, and yet I would rather eat and go to bed… 

Happy notes, it has been beautiful all day… I have lovely toes again… Not to mention I love fluffy days, when I am nice to me…

PS… regarding my last post; apparently it was not as bad as I thought… Nor have I scared him away, No… So that has been a great relief, for me… Whoot!!! How does it get even better than that??? How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine???

I am here for you; this is me here for you… You know all those times you were absolutely positive you must be the most incredibly stupid person on the planet??? That moment when you look, after screaming where is it, and you are sure someone must have taken it, only to find it right where you left it??? You find your glasses on your head, after searching relentlessly for an hour… You mispronounce or misspell a common werd… Seriously I actually jabbed myself in the face the other day, so hard it bled… One of my favorites is when someone makes you laugh while drinking soda, and it shoots out your nose, not only do they laugh at how ridiculous you look, but for a bonus it stings like crazy… Rarely are these things done discreetly so as to allow you the opportunity to pretend they didn’t happen at all… So even better they have an audience, and if you have great friends, you know they will continue to come up over the next ten years or until you have done something even more moronic… For example, I once had a friend tell me she thought that you tinted glass by inserting a needle into it; the concept that it was solid was completely lost on her…

Well you can all rest easy in the knowing that I am pretty sure I have outdone all of these minor infractions… I took seriously something that someone had asked in play… Had I looked at what was being asked, I mean really looked at it, I would have easily known what to say… Instead, being in one of those way too much information moments that I get into… I gave way way way too much information… I wrote out in detail, all that I could share and checked it three or four times for errors before hitting the send button… Normally I would have held this type of letter for the next day so that I could make sure this was the appropriate response… I knew the recipient was waiting for this, it wasn’t long before I got the response; thank you, I will get back to you… This is only an acceptable response when applying for a job and it is not necessarily good then either… However in guy speak it can loosely be translated to; I cannot get out of here quick enough… It ranks right up there with keep in touch… Which again loosely translates into; you will never see me again… I made the fatal mistake of; this person has known me a long time *eleven years* and knows how I am with this stuff; I can be totally honest… NOPE!!! So not true…

Now before I go on, I would just like to say in defense of my stupidity … I have the opportunity to reveal all the places where I thought this was a good idea because; over the last few years I have been told he holds feelings for me, I was told if I asked he would even come with me to England, and that he was willing to be in relationship with me… Each time in the past when I tried even a little to approach it with him, I got a totally different awareness… However very recently I had seen him, and there was a question in the air, though I really didn’t get a clear picture of it… And even more recently I was told I am the woman in his life and that relationship is what he desires *not by him*… So when I told him my feeling a piece of me was more than hopeful, however when I am honest with myself the other 98% of me knew better…

I have spent the last few days going over it and there is still that huge knot in the pit of my stomach that is an absolute sign that the damage is done, and will not be undone… I pulled cards on it, and wow, they were something is over… I even got the death card which is an absolute ending… This could be all that is going on in my life, because truthfully there is a lot of ending and change going on with or without this one… I have gone over all the ways to undo it and really there just isn’t… You simply cannot unsay things; especially when they are truth, the other party can see it even when you try to back track…  So it is one of those cut your losses and go, don’t look back, just let it go… This is all so funny in that not so funny way…

How does it get better than that??? What else is Possible??? How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine???

*Warning*

Yes we are back here again, where I warn you that you proceed at your own risk, and once again I remind you that this is my diary and I will say what I choose…

The phrase that comes to mind right this moment is; “another one bites the dust”…

There is another saying that I firmly believe rings true more often than not… If you want to get over one, get under another… It’s not real pretty, and yet it works quite well; at least for me… I would like to add a bit of a contingency to that statement; it does make a difference that it is a “happy ending” so to speak, otherwise why bother right??? Because really, crappy sex, is just crappy, and so not worth it!!! I would like to elaborate that I am not advising anyone to do anything; you are a big kid and can choose for yourself…

I am once again at that place of really??? What is all this about??? Why do you bother to pursue what you do not want??? Why do you lie for no real outcome??? What is it you really desire out of this??? Is it an ego boost for you to tell me things you do not mean??? Does it get you off to have my attention??? What is it??? What do you see when you look at me??? Do you see a woman so desperate for attention; you just have to pretend you are interested??? What makes you think for one moment that I will not see through all the crap eventually??? Is it my heart??? Is it that I love??? Is it that you find in me exactly what you have been saying you have desired all along, only to find it is way more than you can handle??? Is it that despite whether you feel you deserve it or not, I love and trust you simply for being the being you are in the moment…

Is it that you think I am in love that I will die without you, that my life has never begun until the moment you walked into the room… Because, frankly none of that is true for me… As much as I know that I have a sacred love, that I am worthy of a great and beautiful love, and that there is a heart longing and searching for what my heart is… I also know that I can and do live without it, I know that I would prefer to live with that love than not, and yet I know I am not in love with anyone in the moment, and I have a feeling that once I do truly fall in love with him, I will know that it is for the first time… When I give my heart, it is my whole heart… You should be so lucky to be that love… The man who truly receives my heart will be so very blessed, and he will know what a gift he has been given in that moment…

I see my friends and their loves, and I just want to shout be grateful, be kind, keep your hearts open, so as to always have this love with you… I also see those in relationship based on lies, fears, betrayals… It is a sad day when I find that someone I know is cheating on their love, and I am not surprised… It is a sad day that I can see them using each other without care of the outcome… It is sad that they do not see the impact it has on so many all around them, families, children, friends; when we choose to be unkind to one another it affects everyone around us… Even when it is not acknowledged by those around us it is always seen… You will often hear me saying things like I don’t understand, it makes no sense to me, and I am lost… None of this is true for me either; it is simply another way I lie to myself so as to not see the harm happening here… I understand clearly they are operating from fear, it makes total sense; they have been taught to defend instead of love, they have been taught that need is love, and I am far from lost or in need of rescue… Actually that is often the reason those men choose to leave so quickly; I am not in need of a hero, I do not require saving, I have my own wand… We have raised them and taught them they are Knights in shining armor; and then we climb easily and effortlessly into the tower, placing the back of our hand against our forehead and cry out loudly “help me, help me”!!! He climbs up that same tower beating down the pretend dragon and flames pulls you into his arms and tells you he will take care of you always… *what a bunch of crap* Who thought that shit up???

You may think this is all a joke, and yet this last guy, thinking I was in trouble was ready to have me be with him so he could take care of me… His words “who supports you???” my reply “me”, his “no really who takes care of you???” mine “me”, his “everyone needs someone to support them” mine “I do have, me”; clearly a concept lost…

I am fine by myself day to day… I am not in need of saving, or rescue, a knight, a sword, or even a dragon * I would love a Dragon, or even better a Unicorn, Pegasus, and my own tower, and wings, so I can play Faerie Princess*

Just Give Me A Reason…

The truth about love… It is messy and yummy all at the same moment…

How do you love??? Is it important that you like the person, or people that you love??? If you tell everyone you do not like the person or people, do you still love them??? Do you hide your feelings for that person by saying they are crap??? When you are angry do you talk shit about that person??? If there is a slamfest in honor of that love, are you the first to join in??? Do you date, love, marry someone who embarrasses you, whom you are embarrassed that you love, and therefore tell others what you think they think??? Are you willing to go to the ground for that love??? Will you stand in the room and take the judgment for that love??? Will you stand there and die for that love??? Will you stand in the background and let them choose what you can clearly see will tear them apart at every turn??? Will you watch as your heart is shattered that they are choosing to be used and broken, knowing that they have set this up for their own growth??? Will you jump up and down to get their attention, for them to see what everyone around them can see clearly???

Are any of these questions/statements what would be considered true love??? How can I look at you and see total judgment of you, and then tell you that I love??? How can I look at you and assume that I love better than you??? Which of us is better here??? Is there a better, when you talk of love??? You can copy me at every turn, you can assume that what I have is what you choose, and I can see what you choose before you choose it… So what… None of this changes love; it will be there the whole way… Hell I should be flattered that anyone would like to be like me, and yet I am stunned… I have actively chosen many of those things I listed and in the same breath claimed that I love…

When my first marriage ended, it took some time to see where I had sabotaged that relationship at every turn… I saw where I had chosen to confide in my friends my anger, irritation, embarrassment, betrayal, and many other truly unkind energies; about my husband… What I didn’t choose then was to tell them how I loved him, how deeply and truly grateful I was for him, how amazing he could be when he thought I needed him and he could be there for me, that he created the first stable space in my life, that he was a great dad to both of our children… After being extremely horrible to him, he was still willing to step in and help me years later when he thought I was in trouble… *Don’t misunderstand he was creating a lot of the drama we were experiencing; we are simply looking at what I was doing*… Understandably he chooses today not to speak to me… With all this said; I later discovered he had slept with my best friend, the one I had said all this horrible stuff to about him… Do you know what she said to me upon being confronted about it??? She denied it all, and when I said I knew, she looked at me confused and said “you didn’t even love him”… I was horrified, not that she had slept with him, that she truly believed that… She believed I had never loved him… So what does that say about me???

This was a very deep lesson for me, to watch not only what I say to the people in my life, what I say to my partner as well… If you were to ask, I am sure that the people I love know that I love them… Though there are still times when I join in the slamfest, generally I am feeling hurt, or ignored… Not a classy way to handle things and yet it is a human tendency… I know that I also say the good things too, that they are my friend, my love… What would it take for me to stay out of the drama, and simply see that it is all a choice??? If those beings are not choosing to honor themselves, it is for me to see that it does not have to be fixed… It is for them to discover why they choose it for themselves, when and if they choose to see it… I can point out all day where I think you need to grow, and yet when did that become my place???

How does it get better than this??? What part of all this trauma and drama am I using to validate someone else’s reality??? How lucky am I that I can see all the places I fall into the drama, and choose something else??? What would it take to know and remember that when another being chooses drama, I can choose something else??? What would it take to remember that their drama is not my drama, and I do not have to participate???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ijja6E9JCLA

Pink – Just give me a reason from the truth about love album

So explain what is all this about??? I mean really??? I ask my questions, I can tell the answers are light, and yet I slip into this space of worry and dread that it may not be true??? Of course it is true and once the energy settles, I will discover that there was no reason for worry or dread, that I was correct all along??? Why choose the other then??? What is it within me that I come from a place of not fully trusting and believing in me??? Is it me, or is it someone else, or something else???

Here is what I know… I know he likes me; he himself has told me this many times *I can feel his excitement and the lightness around his words*… I have very powerful beings in my life, and I have asked them to read the energy in this particular case; they are all saying what I already know … Not that it is unusual that they confirm my knowing… In this case they all agree he is someone who will be staying by choice, as well as that it is light around his feelings for me…  I know that is unusual that they all feel this is a light choice *ultimately I know it is for me*… I have one particular very close friend, who tends to be very protective of me and even she feels he is a light choice… I like him a lot, I like the way he feels *his energy*… There have been a lot of visions around him, and none of them feel heavy… Though I feel nervous about what I am, versus what he would like as a partner, it all seems to be flowing well… I can see him in the future around me… I can tell there is a history… I continue to get yeses around the dream…

So with all this confirmation what is it that makes me so worried??? Why do I worry??? How do I stop this worry??? How do I open to knowing this is worth it for me??? How do I keep my heart open so as to have all that I have ever asked for come to be in my life??? I know I am lucky!!! I know many beings in this life that haven’t even come close to the amazingness I have… I know that in recent months I have been introduced to beings I have known, and that I have loved for so very long; even if some do not remember me… I know this man is not the only one who could be my sacred love, and yet he is willing to be the one… I know there is another, who cannot see past the reality this world holds in place, who cannot wrap his head around the familiarity of the remembrance… I know this is not done between us, and yet I will not wait for his memory to unfold… I will choose for me, in the now, in this moment, and build the life I desire with the man who chooses me, knowing that he is the sacred love that I choose in return… I do not see where hoping for something better when you already have amazing is a good choice… In this there will be no settling, when I give my heart I will give my whole heart, for he deserves nothing less than everything; as do I…

We are worthy of a Great and Beautiful Love…

I ask with my whole heart that you show me where I am loved… I ask with my whole heart that you show me where I am beautiful… I ask with my whole heart that you show me my sacred love… How could this all be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine???

Epiphany…

   e·piph·a·ny

[ih-pif–uh-nee]  Show IPA

noun, plural e·piph·a·nies.

3. a sudden, intuitive perception of or insight into the reality or essential meaning of something, usually initiated by some simple, homely, or commonplace occurrence or experience.

Two years ago in August, I had this dream… It was an extremely powerful dream, different than any I had had up to this point *that I could remember*… I remember the details as if they were last night… I am in this room with this man that I do not know by physical features… We are making love; or what feels like we are * you know how dreams have a feeling more than physicality to them; you know you did something not because you see it but because you know*… Then it is the next day, and I am in this room with windows into a hall, there is a bed in the room and a man comes in… I go to him instantly knowing it is the same man; I put my arms around him and start to be intimate with him… He stops me and says “no, you are not ready”… I reply “but we already”… He says “no, we didn’t”… “Yes we did last night” I say… He shakes his head and says “no, we didn’t, you are not ready”… I continue to argue, and he says, “Its ok I am not going anywhere, I am here when you are ready, I am right here waiting for you”… Then I fall asleep on him, and the dream ends…

A couple days later I had the opportunity to ask about this dream, and to explain how it felt so very real to me… I asked if this was a real person, and was this my love??? The answer was yes, this was very real, and a communication from my sacred love… A love that I have called in from beyond to be my sacred love in this life… That we would meet soon… I realize very few believe as I do in things such as this, and honestly I am ok with that… You have a right to your own beliefs, as do I… For me this was such a powerful affirmation of my knowing that I could not ignore it… I could not stop thinking about it, I could not stop talking about it, and I could not stop dreaming about it… Soon??? When was soon??? How do I get to soon??? I firmly believe soon should be an actual place and time;

3:45 pm,

06/24/2013

102 First Street,

Someplace, Overthere, 98765…

It would definitely make my life easier… Unfortunately for me it doesn’t work like this… Of course if you know me at all, you know I went about trying to get a more exact time, location, name… I have spent lots of time asking questions around this dream, and even more about this man… From does he look like the dream, is he this, is he that??? I have asked many many times where is he, only to have places pop into my mind… I would then ask around this place, and get that this is where he is??? I would then work to come up with ways to get there, to be in the path of this man… Though how do you put yourself in the path of a man from a dream??? If you do find him how do you know, let alone explain to him I met you in a dream???

“Hey mister, I know you are my sacred love, we met in this dream I had a couple years ago, you remember we were in that room and you said that thing, about that stuff”… Yeah, that ought to freak him out, lol… As if I am not already a total unique, let’s throw more into the mix… Whoever he is, he will definitely have to be a unique himself… Though look at how much fun all this will be… lol…

So in asking about the places in which this man was, I have often enlisted the assistance of friends… I honestly thought I was getting mixed signals from the information I was receiving… I have gotten he is close, and then I have gotten he was in another country… I have been in other countries only to have it say he was within two hours of me, and then that he was back here… Mind you when I would get these locations, I had confirmation that I was correct at that time… So you could see where I might not be so willing to jump on a plane to put myself in his way… I was told I needed to be in a crowd, and he would find me… I have had many situations in which I was guided to online dating, and then not… I have also been told he would be one of a few that could be and that it would be for him to make the choice… In other words, there would be three men that would show up, and connect with me on a level that could be this sacred love, each being a true possibility… At which point one would choose this type of union, and it will be… All these random things in order to find this one person amongst 7 billion others, some days holding the faith has a bit of a challenge… I cannot tell you how many times I have let go of hope all together, only to come back to it… I will not stop until he stands beside me… For me this man is my heart’s desire, and I will settle for nothing less than his whole heart…

I know that in the many lives I have lived, I have loved truly and profoundly in ways that I have not found in this life, as of yet… I know that there have been many loves throughout those lives, and that there are many others that could easily match the depth of my love, to bring about what would be considered a great and beautiful love…  I know I am destined for a great and beautiful love… I know that the love I have called to me is someone I have loved before, and all along… I know that when it feels so familiar it is because it is familiar; it is activating my memory… This is not our first time and I know it will not be the last that we love…

I have been speaking with someone recently, and he is of course lovely… He says all the lovely things I like to hear, such as he has been thinking of me… He asks the things that are about me, and he answers the questions I ask in return… He has been giving real details of his life and so on… I know it sounds weird to use that term real details, though it seems often you get very few details of the person’s life… I am not sure if it because they are trying to keep from being exploited or trying to find out if you are worthy of their information, or maybe they think you are a stalker… Anyway it feels stunted, like they are not really willing to have a true relationship… I am a both feet in type person, if you would like to know me I am willing to share… I will tell you the good, the bad, and the ugly… I ask only that you do the same… Again I have found recently, that where I have thought I knew someone, I did not… When I do the math I can see now, that when I thought we were sharing and getting close, it was in truth only me… I have this way of feeling the being and knowing his/her heart, and though I can truly know your whole being, I overlook the details of the being living here, forgetting that most in this world choose not to remember, and thereby live only on the surface…

With all of this said, I was on a plane the other day when I had this epiphany… I am listening to Sarah Brightman, and thinking of this man… I am relating the songs to him, noticing how surprisingly comfortable it feels… He is leaving the morning, I arrive back in town which totally sucks, and we will not have time to meet before he leaves… When it dawns on me this person travels, and has been in the places I have known this love to be… What if this is him??? What if I was right all along and each of the places I was told he was, is in fact where he was at that moment??? What if soon, is now??? I of course started asking my questions, and I received the answers I hoped for… I started crying and laughing in response, my daughter looking at me a little weird *alright like I had grown three heads*… I must have laughed at this for about fifteen minutes… I have continued asking the same questions, making sure that I have eaten and drank water *each of these things can impact the clarity*… I have recently had deep connections with a couple people, so I cannot tell you this is really unusual, I can tell you that I find myself having to remember we have not met in this life and to take it slow… He speaks to me with a familiarity of words that does not feel out of place… How does it get better than that??? How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bSWJ_4OD9Sg

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nRdFy-xE07I

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ilIXPba0yk

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TdN5GyTl8K0

Is rejection real??? Isn’t rejection just another form of victim??? How long are you going to embrace victim as a way of life??? I still have to ask myself this question often; I continue to attract this guy… He is absolutely sure he is being rejected simply through my choosing something else… If I come from a place of we attract what we put out; then it stands to reason, that I am putting out the energy of rejection… Each time I think I am done with victim, it shows up again in another form… Today it is through a lovely young man who is truly living rejection… He is being loved from every direction, and yet he is refusing to receive it… He is only seeing where he is not being chosen, instead of where he is…

Excuse my pause, I was laughing so hard I fell off the bench… That is not me at all *innocent face*… I have to say that I am grateful for this being, in my life… It is in this moment very clear what he has come to share with me, for me, so that I can clearly see where I have been choosing this, as well as choose something else… It is easy to see where I have played small to have someone be with me, in need, not in love… This being has in humor been making jabs at me and what I have or have not been doing… When I stated this bothered me, he replied it wasn’t meant to be mean; it is just his sense of humor… I replied, I do not find it funny… I can see where I have done this and am willing to let go of treating people this way… It has been so eye opening to see everywhere I have drawn this passive aggressive energy to me through the beings in my life, and I would truly like to release that now… What would it take for this to now transform into a joyful, kind energy??? How does it get even better than this??? What are the infinite possibilities of releasing abuse from my life???

I love it here… It is only Thursday and I am looking for ways to make time slow down… The workshops I have been doing are just for fun… I figure with all the work I have been doing the last few months, I owe it to myself to have fun this week… So I have been learning henna, charms, and chanting… Today it is 84 degrees and sunny, although a bit humid, all the children are playing in the pond, and the teens are playing volleyball on the sandy shore… If I didn’t know better I would think this was the world of the ordinary, also known as the mundane… Thankfully in this world nothing is ordinary, there is true magick all around us here and everyone is willing to be it… Here it is not a judge able offense to be nude, to wear a skirt or a sarong if you are male… It matters not if you are small or large, if your clothes do not match, or even match your gender… I love that…

In fact this has been the theme of my journey this week… To wear what I would not wear in the other realm… So I brought beautiful bras to wear as tops, and sarongs without bottoms… My hope was that I would have the courage to be skyclad sometime during the week; to be in a place of safety without judgment, while being completely undressed with others… I found and attended a ritual that was focused on being comfortable in your own skin… The name was your body is beautiful… This is very true, my body is beautiful…

Isn’t it funny the things we say to each and mostly to ourselves… The last couple of weeks have been so enlightening… Here is a bit of background of what I mean; we get so lost in our own story we forget to see those around us… For instance my daughter is what most would consider traditionally beautiful for this age… She is thin and petite… She wears a size #1, she shops in juniors, she balances in a 10 to 15 pound range… She can look great in anything and until a week ago, I would have thought her worst issue with her body was that people stare at her… They do, especially guys… I know, I watch them all around her, you would not believe how many fall all over themselves to talk to her, even with me standing right there… It is really quite funny to watch… However, we got into this conversation about things that people assume when you are thin, apparently they say horrible things about eating disorders, to flat out eat a sandwich… All because her body is naturally little… Today, while in a workshop several small framed girls and I were chatting about it as well, and they were saying the same types of things, one of which has been asked on many occasions if she eats, and usually the person says it as if it is a compliment… Wow!!! We really do not consider the other side of the coin… Why is that??? We just put people in a category and assume that when we make this judgment they are only that… Here is another example; there are some really beautiful men here… When I make that statement I mean that they are extremely attractive to the greater population of women… One specifically keeps stopping to say hello, and I keep thinking he is so pretty; he must have all the girls around him… There is another that is so lovely and social, muscular, and fit… They both attended the skyclad ritual; they both were totally freaked out to be without clothes of any kind, in the open… I find this totally amazing… It really surprises me that I rarely consider that; pretty, thin, fit, people could have body issues…

Anyway I did it!!! I was willing to be skyclad in the open… We all held hands and hugged in the all-natural… It was not as scary as I thought it would be, and it made dressing at the showers much easier, as well as wearing just a bra and shorts around the campgrounds… Welcome to body freedom… How does it get even better than this???

What attracts you to another being??? Is it face??? Eyes??? Body??? Is it something else altogether??? I like things like height, my preference is a thicker type… Now I realize you probably think I mean muscular and such, don’t get me wrong that is lovely of course, however my attraction tends to be more with the hands… I love strength… I absolutely love when he is the strength and his hands guide me… When a man places his hand in the small of my back to walk me into a room or someplace; I feel soft, pretty, feminine… I love that… I was watching the movie Dirty Dancing the other day, and there is a scene where he guides her while dancing, and the camera focuses in on his hand, showing his strength… That man *Patrick Swayze* was totally hot, and yet more than that he had strength, which is not just from his body… You can actually see it when you look close… The day that we arrived at PSG, we were given a ride by a very lovely man… He was truly very kind and welcoming, we talked while waiting for the others to arrive… This man is truly beautiful, not in a movie star way, in a true strength of being way… He would do anything for you… I found myself immediately drawn to him, and watching him drive, his hands show his strength… I would love to have that in my life…. What would it take to have hands with true strength to touch and hold you each day??? I keep looking back and seeing that has not been what I have been bringing into my life through partner… I tend to bring a man who either changes to what he believes I would like, or he expects me to change… This time I would like to find a man who has the strength, not only to be my partner, also to know and remain his own being as we grow together… How amazing could that be???