I am here for you; this is me here for you… You know all those times you were absolutely positive you must be the most incredibly stupid person on the planet??? That moment when you look, after screaming where is it, and you are sure someone must have taken it, only to find it right where you left it??? You find your glasses on your head, after searching relentlessly for an hour… You mispronounce or misspell a common werd… Seriously I actually jabbed myself in the face the other day, so hard it bled… One of my favorites is when someone makes you laugh while drinking soda, and it shoots out your nose, not only do they laugh at how ridiculous you look, but for a bonus it stings like crazy… Rarely are these things done discreetly so as to allow you the opportunity to pretend they didn’t happen at all… So even better they have an audience, and if you have great friends, you know they will continue to come up over the next ten years or until you have done something even more moronic… For example, I once had a friend tell me she thought that you tinted glass by inserting a needle into it; the concept that it was solid was completely lost on her…
Well you can all rest easy in the knowing that I am pretty sure I have outdone all of these minor infractions… I took seriously something that someone had asked in play… Had I looked at what was being asked, I mean really looked at it, I would have easily known what to say… Instead, being in one of those way too much information moments that I get into… I gave way way way too much information… I wrote out in detail, all that I could share and checked it three or four times for errors before hitting the send button… Normally I would have held this type of letter for the next day so that I could make sure this was the appropriate response… I knew the recipient was waiting for this, it wasn’t long before I got the response; thank you, I will get back to you… This is only an acceptable response when applying for a job and it is not necessarily good then either… However in guy speak it can loosely be translated to; I cannot get out of here quick enough… It ranks right up there with keep in touch… Which again loosely translates into; you will never see me again… I made the fatal mistake of; this person has known me a long time *eleven years* and knows how I am with this stuff; I can be totally honest… NOPE!!! So not true…
Now before I go on, I would just like to say in defense of my stupidity … I have the opportunity to reveal all the places where I thought this was a good idea because; over the last few years I have been told he holds feelings for me, I was told if I asked he would even come with me to England, and that he was willing to be in relationship with me… Each time in the past when I tried even a little to approach it with him, I got a totally different awareness… However very recently I had seen him, and there was a question in the air, though I really didn’t get a clear picture of it… And even more recently I was told I am the woman in his life and that relationship is what he desires *not by him*… So when I told him my feeling a piece of me was more than hopeful, however when I am honest with myself the other 98% of me knew better…
I have spent the last few days going over it and there is still that huge knot in the pit of my stomach that is an absolute sign that the damage is done, and will not be undone… I pulled cards on it, and wow, they were something is over… I even got the death card which is an absolute ending… This could be all that is going on in my life, because truthfully there is a lot of ending and change going on with or without this one… I have gone over all the ways to undo it and really there just isn’t… You simply cannot unsay things; especially when they are truth, the other party can see it even when you try to back track… So it is one of those cut your losses and go, don’t look back, just let it go… This is all so funny in that not so funny way…
How does it get better than that??? What else is Possible??? How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine???