*Warning*
Yes we are back here again, where I warn you that you proceed at your own risk, and once again I remind you that this is my diary and I will say what I choose…
The phrase that comes to mind right this moment is; “another one bites the dust”…
There is another saying that I firmly believe rings true more often than not… If you want to get over one, get under another… It’s not real pretty, and yet it works quite well; at least for me… I would like to add a bit of a contingency to that statement; it does make a difference that it is a “happy ending” so to speak, otherwise why bother right??? Because really, crappy sex, is just crappy, and so not worth it!!! I would like to elaborate that I am not advising anyone to do anything; you are a big kid and can choose for yourself…
I am once again at that place of really??? What is all this about??? Why do you bother to pursue what you do not want??? Why do you lie for no real outcome??? What is it you really desire out of this??? Is it an ego boost for you to tell me things you do not mean??? Does it get you off to have my attention??? What is it??? What do you see when you look at me??? Do you see a woman so desperate for attention; you just have to pretend you are interested??? What makes you think for one moment that I will not see through all the crap eventually??? Is it my heart??? Is it that I love??? Is it that you find in me exactly what you have been saying you have desired all along, only to find it is way more than you can handle??? Is it that despite whether you feel you deserve it or not, I love and trust you simply for being the being you are in the moment…
Is it that you think I am in love that I will die without you, that my life has never begun until the moment you walked into the room… Because, frankly none of that is true for me… As much as I know that I have a sacred love, that I am worthy of a great and beautiful love, and that there is a heart longing and searching for what my heart is… I also know that I can and do live without it, I know that I would prefer to live with that love than not, and yet I know I am not in love with anyone in the moment, and I have a feeling that once I do truly fall in love with him, I will know that it is for the first time… When I give my heart, it is my whole heart… You should be so lucky to be that love… The man who truly receives my heart will be so very blessed, and he will know what a gift he has been given in that moment…
I see my friends and their loves, and I just want to shout be grateful, be kind, keep your hearts open, so as to always have this love with you… I also see those in relationship based on lies, fears, betrayals… It is a sad day when I find that someone I know is cheating on their love, and I am not surprised… It is a sad day that I can see them using each other without care of the outcome… It is sad that they do not see the impact it has on so many all around them, families, children, friends; when we choose to be unkind to one another it affects everyone around us… Even when it is not acknowledged by those around us it is always seen… You will often hear me saying things like I don’t understand, it makes no sense to me, and I am lost… None of this is true for me either; it is simply another way I lie to myself so as to not see the harm happening here… I understand clearly they are operating from fear, it makes total sense; they have been taught to defend instead of love, they have been taught that need is love, and I am far from lost or in need of rescue… Actually that is often the reason those men choose to leave so quickly; I am not in need of a hero, I do not require saving, I have my own wand… We have raised them and taught them they are Knights in shining armor; and then we climb easily and effortlessly into the tower, placing the back of our hand against our forehead and cry out loudly “help me, help me”!!! He climbs up that same tower beating down the pretend dragon and flames pulls you into his arms and tells you he will take care of you always… *what a bunch of crap* Who thought that shit up???
You may think this is all a joke, and yet this last guy, thinking I was in trouble was ready to have me be with him so he could take care of me… His words “who supports you???” my reply “me”, his “no really who takes care of you???” mine “me”, his “everyone needs someone to support them” mine “I do have, me”; clearly a concept lost…
I am fine by myself day to day… I am not in need of saving, or rescue, a knight, a sword, or even a dragon * I would love a Dragon, or even better a Unicorn, Pegasus, and my own tower, and wings, so I can play Faerie Princess*