Dreams And Delusions

Today I actually sent myself notes to remind myself what I wanted to say… This song came on the radio on my way to friends, and it sent me off into another time…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k9e157Ner90 , where were you when this song came out??? I was hanging with Century *isn’t that the coolest name??? * The summer this played on the radio, it sends me into the memories of her and her boyfriend *though honestly I cannot remember his name*… She and I had become friends from school, and I spent most of the summer with her, her boyfriend, his younger brother *which is ultimately what this is about* and their mother… Danny, a very hot guy, always surrounded by at least four girls… OMG!!! I had such a crush on him… He was this free spirit of guy, the one I always fall for, the one who saw just that moment and no more than that… He was so funny, and he came off almost feminine, though I can assure you he was all guy… He taught me so much about being who you are, being in the magic, and not letting what others thought bug you… We were honestly friends, he would do these crazy impressions, and he would scream like a girl, or act like a tough guy… He was just so scrumptious… There was one day, we had scrapped together money to go up to the store and get dinner stuff, on the way up we had been talking about what if we had money for this or that??? While in the store I found a hundred dollar bill, no owner around I got so excited and I showed him, after shopping he took my hand and we actually skipped joyfully all the way back to his house *a few blocks*… I do not remember what we bought, though I remember we made a big dinner for everyone and we all sat out and talked until late into the night… How many seventeen year old boys do you know that are will to skip??? He would do all the moves to this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d_HlTGzkKeE OMG!!! I would laugh so hard… He was an amazing energy, this summer I taught him how to drive, no one else would let him try because he would grind the gears, I remember the first time he did that in my car; I laughed and said if you can’t find them grind them, he laughed too, then you could see him relax and figure out how to shift… After this summer like life at that time in my life, we lost touch… I ran into Century at the college the year my son was born, and she told me this gorgeous energy had died, he had been in a head on collision with a semi, three girls and him on the freeway… It stills make me tear you will not know the joy of this being… He still comes to mind, and I still laugh at his willingness to be who he came here to be…

So our next stop is in Oregon City, it was absolutely gorgeous today!!! If you know Oregon City, then odds are you know of High Rocks… Ohhh the misdeeds of my crazy youth, now I just would like it known that rarely was I the one with the initial idea, however I could be counted on to be the one to carry out the deed… Landing me in a bit of trouble from time to time… I was banished more than once from being allowed to hang out with my friends, as the bad influence… lol… I was the bad influence I was the influenced… Now obviously I have friends that I will never let you speak to, because if I did they could and would tell you stories even I don’t remember until they arein the process being brought up, and I realize you are going to hear some very revealing stuff… So let’s just say I grew up in the hay day of things like High Rocks, a fun albeit dangerous part of the river in which the dress code is the skimpiest of cut off shorts and a couple strings bathing suit top… The rocks are *of course* high, and everyone jumps into the river floats down and does it again *it is important that you know there are many rocks in the river to be cautious of*… Every year there are fatalities from this adventure mixed with various this and that substances and alcohol, it was no different back then… None of that made any difference to us… You could also say my parental guidance was minimal allowing me way more freedom than may have been wise… Recently over the last year I was lucky as to find a boy I dated at this time in my life and tell him how glad I was to have had him in my life then, and he has been so kind as to gift me his friendship now… How lucky am I??? I tell you this mostly because it was today that I finally figured out where I had met him… We have talked a bit about what we remember about our really lengthy relationship back then *I think it was a month or two,giggle* and many things were a blur and many popped up easily, it had been bugging me as to how he came to be in my life, and I remember his sister and her boyfriend were friends of my friends, and we ran into him down by the river… I think we have even stayed the night down there one night *HIgh Rocks*… Anyway, today while waiting for my friends at the Oregon City Shopping Center, the air smelled of the river, the river of High Rocks, and High Rocks brought back the memories… How funny…

We also traveled through the land of 82^nd avenue, now to be a kid/teenager at this time meant you had to cruise 82^nd… Anyone who was anyone was there Friday and Saturday night, the air smelled of cigarettes and bong hits mixed with gasoline fumes and burning rubber… It was very much like American Graffiti with big hair and the beginnings of eighties music blaring from every car… I cannot say I enjoyed the chaos, though it was very exciting for sure, and for the good girl I had been before 15, that had a great deal of appeal… As much as I have no desire to go back there, I do not regret it… I have discovered a lot about me by looking at all of this and more… And frankly I still love the smell of it…

Yesterday was such an interesting day… It started with a lovely visit with a friend, getting into those weird topics I love so much… We were discussing how to write evil characters… This subject has been on my mind for some time… It feels a little like the Meany head in my story is not nearly evil enough, and I am having difficulty determining if that is because this character is not the true evil doer or that I am not willing to let myself think what I consider true evil??? Which sends me off on the same yet different topic, what are you not willing to let yourself think about??? For example are you not willing to think about being so angry you seriously hurt someone??? Or maybe it is you are not willing to consider hurting someone you are romantic with by being intimate with someone else??? Are you not willing to consider this world after a devastating event??? All of these things flow into my universe… I get irritated by reality shows and their need to feed on the drama, and so on… All things I am not really open to having in my space… The question through the classes I have been taking is; if you are not willing to have these energies be part of you, will you know when they are there and it is for example; required for you to get the hell out or die??? If you are not willing to consider infidelity, will you know when it is happening in your relationship??? If you are not willing to be evil, will you know when someone truly evil is close by??? If you are not willing to be all of the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of who we all are, will you truly ever have all of you???

My friends will tell you all the lovely things about me, they will tell you I am beautiful, kind, compassionate, sweet, thoughtful, caring, sensitive, helpful and so on… The odds are they will not tell you that I am a bitch, I throw fits, I say horrible things about others when angry, I consider many things that are very unkind, that I have a potty mouth, that have hurt many intentionally, that I have done a lot of things in my past that I am anything but proud of… All of these are true… As much as I would not like to share all of my misdeeds, they are all part of who I am today… I like her and I am open to being all of her… She is amazing being changing in every moment… How does it get even better than that???

” Everyone knows diaries are just… full of crap.” Bridget Jones…

That being said, please remember when you are reading my blog that really it is just a diary of sorts… I am truly using it to get the crap that goes off in me, out of my head, so that I can move forward… This is totally about me, for me , and though there are many truths here, I am changing everyday, as are my truths… So what may be true yesterday is not today…

Good morning,

I feel like chatting today… I am not sure what about… I simply would like to ramble a bit over coffee… It is a gorgeous day out, maybe I will go and play in the sun???

I realize this sounds weird, and I am ok with it… I miss having someone to share with… I miss that random stuff you say when you are having a good day, and a not so good day… I miss that sending of brief messages that you know the other will get, because they totally get you… I was chatting with a friend last night on the ins and outs of what you say to a potential date… How do you stay true to yourself, and still be what is required to get someone to look past the initial interaction??? Do you think there is such a thing as a relationship in which you can share all of you??? I had said that “I am tired of having pieces of me spread out in all of these different types of relationships, and that I really would like to have someone who is really willing to know all of me… “And does that exist??? The reply was “no” *cringe*, I in turn replied then “it’s not worth it, I am not staying if there isn’t”… Really, that is so not true for me… I cannot do this reality without the hope of finding; true, deep, real, communion of relationship… I do not require certificates, vows, or even promises, in order to validate love… I do require a connection that is beyond what I have known… I have been very lucky up to this point in the relationships I have had, that have brought me to this point… I say this even with the ones most would consider having turned out badly; some of those awful relationships taught me more about me, than the good ones… They still boggle my mind, and yet they brought me more clarity…

That being said; I know there is something so much more than I can put words to… I hold faith, I hold hope, I dream of the day I will meet this man, and the joyful expansion of it… The knowing this person sees me, truly sees me, and cannot wait to know more, to see me smile, laugh, play, cry, fall apart, whatever I be in that moment, and I for him…

How does it get even better than that???

I have been playing this song over and over, not that you can hear it… http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-BIye98Ryic Here you go… The other song playing here today is http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aeGFu05xB-8 … Both amazing songs…

Two years ago I was playing this one in the car http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8v_4O44sfjM on a loop… I was so angry and I could not get it out of me…  Then in a miracle of Divine proportions I was gifted the awareness that the true being I was angry with, and singing this song to; was me… The person that I could not forgive; was me… The person driving loves out of my life; was me… The person creating all the hurt in the beings I love; was me… The person absolutely not willing to allow you to see any goodness, kindness, caring, heart, SWEETNESS, in me; was me… Now I realize this sound a bit like a pity party, hold tight I have a point… This was such a break through, to find how deeply I had taken these points of view into who I believed I was… I showed up at my appointment, excited to tell my friend/ life coach what had come up from this song… You see when you find out this information about yourself it is huge, it shows you where to start and from there you can take the steps to change it…

More than ten years ago I was playing/singing this Alanis Morissette’s “You owe me nothing in return” song to a man… Today I sing it to me… Today I sing the Pink’s “You are perfect to me” song to me… Some days admittedly it is in an effort to convince myself, and some days it is that I believe it…

I have recently been blessed with many lovely people coming into my life, and I am grateful for each of them… One in particular, was willing to go into some crap that came bubbling to the surface for me today… It came up in all its crapdom to be looked at so that other choices could be made… I told her, that when she and I met at my house the other day; I knew we were friends, that there was a connection, and that it went way back… I told her that the same was of you, which is probably why you freaked me out… I also told her that I didn’t understand, through her I knew *note the words, I knew!* there was a deep connection, how could one not choose that???

Today I choose me… Today you do not, and as much as I would like to understand why you do not, it is not for me to know, and there is no way to truly understand, even if I was you… There is a very high likelihood that even you do not truly grasp why you make the choices you make… I frequently have, questioned my choices and the reasons that I chose them, though rarely truly knowing other than it was light… Clearly I will not be blessed with the answer, nor do I really require it… I simply am choosing to get it out and go forward… It makes no never mind, who you think I am, or what purpose I have been in your life, you have made your choice, and I honor it; that is done…

What would it take to be the one chosen??? How amazing and beautiful is it, to have someone wake up every day choosing you??? How does it get even better than that???

I had the weirdest dream last night…

It starts with getting in bed with my partner *going by the feel of the dream, no idea who this person is* to go to sleep… I fall asleep in bed in the dream, and while sleeping I am hearing all this stuff moving around in the room, though I do not wake up… In the morning when I do awake, the room has been totally redecorated, in what I would consider completely trashy style… I am instantly just pissed off at the look of it, and the guy is so excited to show me what he has done…  The conversation goes somewhere along the lines of,” don’t you just love it???”, without a thought I say “no” and start pointing out what I don’t like about… The guy is beginning to look a bit beat up around it, and the argument continues, and he says he wanted some of himself in the room, and that it is his place too… I stop being angry and see that maybe he is right, and I should allow him to be in the space too… Then he gets all excited again and explains what went on through the night, I feel myself getting angry again, as he tells me he has brought his friends and my family in to do this for me… I ask some questions to get clarity around what has taken place here… “So what you are saying is you waited until I was asleep, and then you had everyone come here and change everything, without considering or consulting me in what I would choose for my home, and you think this will make me happy???” He starts to see how I am taking this, and still smiling says “yes, isn’t it great???”… I reply very loudly “get out, take your stuff with you, all of it, now”… Looking totally hurt he says “nice” quite sarcastically… I get very very cruel from here in my insistence that he leave and not return, and that he take all his stuff with him, I do not ever want to see him again… He does eventually leave, and I look around at the mess I have to now fix…

How weird is that??? It is so literal and yet not… Clearly choice is something I am not willing to give up for anyone… It also shows where I am willing to pretend I do not know what is happening around me, only to wake and find everything changed… Wow, so funny, all this brought all these occasions of which this same thing had played out in my life, less dramatic, yet still there… Twenty plus years ago, my husband had brought home this huge new tv, it was very expensive, it was very nice, it fit well in the room, he was so excited… It had never even crossed his mind to ask me if I wanted it, or what I thought about it, or that I have any choice in it… He could not understand why I was so pissed off… It all blew up around the money, and I was not at that time willing to admit it had nothing to do with money, it had everything to do with how clear it was that my choice was not being honored as a part of our relationship… I was also not honoring me, in my relationship with me *hind sight is 20/20*…

This all plays into the last few days of course… I was asked what I would like to get out of the class??? My answer was that I would like to honor me as the priority in my life… Hmmm… Definitely something around that is playing out in my dreams… What would it take for me to always honor me, in my relationship with me??? I consider you in everything I do, including my writing of this blog… What will you think of it, what do you want to know, what will keep your attention??? What if I no longer considered you in my writing??? What if I honored me in my writing by writing for me??? What if it no longer mattered to me what you thought of how I write??? What would it look like If I simply wrote for the joy it brings to me??? How does it get even better than that???

Today is Level One…

Good Morning, I hope you are all well and happy… Today is the second day of foundation, yesterday is a bit of a fog… There was no fussing about yesterday, there is six of us, and there was no time wasted getting to the messy stuff… It has always seemed that when I come in the room, I am the one with the craziest stories, the one who has encountered the most unusual situations… I have heard plenty of times, you are so strong that you could overcome all that… And truth be told I have kinda liked the attention, despite where it came from… lol… It never fails that when I walk into a room of Access people, I am so not the one with the craziest stuff… Welcome to its time to look at all the stuff you haven’t even considered… All these triggers, and the places that you make yourself wrong… All your crap up in the air, getting cleared… The best part of it all is that you laugh the whole way through, how can you not laugh at all the ridiculous stuff coming up, all the ways you avoid looking at the real issues, around your judgement, as well as others… The other great part is you get your bars run, this is an amazing process, a bit like Reiki, used to clear implants, all the places you have taken on other peoples stuff… I highly recommend it, it is the placement of the hands on the head, touching 32 different points… It is like getting a great massage… Yummy!!!

So I have gotten through Bars class *fifth time*, and the first day of foundation *second time*, today is the second…  We have been running class until nine, and then people have been here until late in the night… Then getting back up at six, a bit sleepy today… Not a complaint, just a note… Have a great day, I know I will…

Access Consciousness classes, Whoo Hoo, How does it get better??? I am hosting classes this week, I am excited about it, we had quite a wonderful crowd yesterday, I wonder who will choose to be here today??? We were asked to take a snapshot of where we were on entering the class and then where we were at the end??? I am gonna do a bit of that here..,

As you know I am not in a relationship, and I would really like to be, I enjoy having someone to spend time with, someone to talk to, to share with… I took an 8 month hiatus between the last and this excursion into the dating world, and it is very easy to see the difference now, between where I was upon landing in the UK in September 2011, and now… The choices I make for me now are very different from a year ago… I noticed when I arrived back in the UK for the second time in July 2012, the difference in the people I was meeting, as well as the ones I would have been interested in dating… Some part of me simply could not find the energy to date the second time around, so anyone who may have been a candidate, ended in the friend zone… Clearly, as much as I like to say they did not choose me, I did not choose them either…

There was also the healing from being with a partner a longtime, it matters not how or why it ended, there is still the grief of loss… I think it is very unlikely anyone goes into marriage saying, this will be over shortly… As much as I have come to see how important it is to stay out of expectations, I had many when I married, forever was one of them… If you ask me now it is still one of my favorite memories, it was so much fun, and really I have the best friends, and in my marriage I found family in ways I had not experienced… So ending it was no easy decision, it involved so many hearts, so many expectations that would not come to light… It was of course what was right for me, and it was time that it be about me… I have much to be in this life, and I will be it for me… I am beyond happy that he has found someone who shares his likes, and dreams… She makes him smile in ways I have not seen before, and for this I am grateful, as well as confirmed in my decision… He is a lovely amazing man, with a heart that is true, he deserves and is worthy of a great and beautiful love… It is easy to see that they belong together, how lucky are they???

I have also noticed a very different type of choice in the beings I have chosen to meet through dating, mind you there have only been two, and mind you I am not for the faint of heart, so the first fled rather rapidly… I have been asked questions that I have never been asked before, even by my friends… Questions that were not only thoughtful, they were asked with a true desire to know… It triggered a bit of a why do you want to know response; it was so foreign to me… I had no idea how to answer or even how much I really desired to answer this question out loud… It also pulled my full attention, in that way that freaks guys out… How do you remain true to yourself, while only revealing little pieces of who you are, so as not to freak people out??? Someone asked me recently what do you mean you are a strong energy??? lol… How do you describe that??? It has been explained to me in different ways, this is the one that I can express easily… I have such clarity of what it is I would like in my life, that when it captures my attention, I am like a radar type focus, putting those in the scope of the radar in the hot seat… So it has been expressed that I have many places to put my attention, thereby allowing more ease around those in my focus… LMAO… That sounds less than flattering…  

I took these classes two years ago, and they changed my whole life, I am so not the person I was then… I am so much more willing to have you judge me and not have it matter… I would love to tell you that I am past it all together, though it still comes into my space… What would it take for that to no longer be the case??? So here we are at the beginning of another set of classes, I am excited to see the differences in me… What would it take for this to be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine???

I am having the most amazing day!!! Seriously, where to start, my day started with sunshine and the most lovely wishes, that make me smile, and ever since I have been in permagrin mode… A visit to Starbucks, a drive through the backroads filled with trees *saying hi* and a nice chat… A stop by Insomnia for a bit more coffee, and then to pick up baking supplies *I love when I can bake*, a visit with friends, confirming up the classes  being held at my house, all plans filled with light and love… I confirmed up vacation plans with my gorgeous daughter *so excited!!! Girly vacation!!!*… And now back into the sunshine :D… How does it get better??? What else is possible??? How could this day be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine??? How did I get so lucky as to have so many fabulous beings in my world??? Yummy!!!

Damn!!! I have misplaced my all-knowing shoes again… Well here I am again, how lucky are you that I have chosen to show up here again and spew my mood upon those innocent onlookers of this planet??? I dare you to stay and hear what I have to say today… I could tell you I should not be here writing this for the world to see… Truthfully should is not my opinion, should is always belongs to someone else… I should clean my room; means someone else thinks my room should be clean, I do not join in with your I should not reveal my emotions where I choose and to whom I choose… I will tell you that I am granting those kind people who generally are the ones I call when in need of attention, a reprieve for the moment… I will also tell you that at least I am writing something even if it is complete and total crap that has nothing to do with anything of any real value whatsoever… Again I dare you to continue on this journey of crap, you have been warned and it is for you to choose from here… I have chosen to come here and emote, energetic motion, I have decided that if I have this place to throw these random pieces of crap, that it gets them out of me and they can follow their little physics path and become a new energy, hopefully that looks way more like the little molecular pieces of joy I would prefer were running around me today… Unfortunately for the moment that is not what they are… Did we find my shoes??? Clearly my soap box is here, lending me at least two full feet of condescending height for my revelations of the day…

I completely agree, align with, allow and accept my right to choice, I choose my choice in every moment… How does it get better than that??? However I am struggling today with your right to the same choice… Things that are me; I know, I know when you are there, I know when you are not, I know when you are full of crap, and I know when you genuinely are being you, I can see you, what’s more is you know that I am telling you the truth… I can perceive this, yes sometimes I see only what I would like to see, and yes sometimes I have trouble distinguishing what all the energy is through a desire to have what I would like to have when I would like to have it… I also know when someone truly sees me, and how completely unnerving that is, It does not change that when I know, I know… I have had the glorious opportunity of many teachers on my path, when I say this for me all are teachers, though in this particular case I mean teachers; people who are devoting their lives to assisting others in discovering their true selves as well as empowering them to be the truly amazing phenomenal beings that we all are… Through these teachers I have come to embrace how truly connected to the oneness of all that I am, growing and expanding everyday…

You have the right to choose who, what, where, and when, anyone or anything is part of your reality… You have the right to choose what is true for you… If you do not like it, you have the right to change it, manipulate it, or dump it altogether… Your choice, as it is mine… The part of all this I don’t like is that when you make a choice to exit my life, to no longer have anything to do with me, whether that choice is for a minute or a lifetime, I know it… I have chosen to know and I continue that choice for me… In this I would like to say, I don’t like when you choose to exit, sometimes you depending on who you are and what role you are playing in my life at that particular moment, are my grounding force, my glimmer of hope that things are changing, my distraction, my love, my sanity, maybe you were all these things wrapped up in one… I know that to put this on another not only gives them a power over me, it also dis-empowers me, so why would I choose that??? I have not as of yet found how to clear that, so for this moment I continue to ask why would I choose this, and how does it get better???  I know that by doing this, there is a very high likelihood you will choose not to participate, and exit *we are back to that very  beaten path thing again*… Ultimately I have no say in your choices, as you have none in mine… I would like to say that knowing all this about me, does not stop me from having the overly exaggerated total moment of temper tantrum, of a very upset 2 year old not getting the toy they want right now, laying on the floor kicking, screaming, and flailing limbs and all… Honestly there are days in which I wish I could let myself embrace this complete fall apart, and yet I have some silly belief that I am a grown up and therefore am not allowed to truly behave badly… Instead I choose to do the action on the inside, and again you should be warned not to be in the vicinity when this happens, really not pretty…

So I guess a bit of what I am saying is; as much as I would like to hold my stiff upper lip, knowing you are simply choosing for you, what is truth for you, and that it truly has nothing to do with me at all… I liked having you in my life, and when you go I do not like it… I have no choice but to let you go, I will not chase you, I will not beg you, I will not throw things, I will eventually come to a place where I can be at peace with your choice, however that is not this moment, maybe it will be the next moment??? Today I miss you…

Interesting question… I have been called to say what I must say to get out what I require be said… Yes that is what I said… What do you do when faced with exactly what you have asked for in an undeniable form??? Do you run??? Do you step back and take a hard look at it??? Here is what I have been watching me do over and over again… I look at, freak out, pretend that it is not exactly what I asked for, and find as many ways to make it go away as I possibly can so that I can say clearly and profoundly; see it really wasn’t at all what I asked for, or it would have perceived that I wanted it to stay even though I told it to go… As I often say when I stand on my soap box in my all-knowing shoes; how is that working for you??? Are you done denying what you know yet??? Are you willing to receive what you keep asking for???

I have recently embarked on what I find to be the most exhausting, uncomfortable, and thoroughly mind boggling journey that we as humans like to call dating… My response to the word dating; AUGH!!! I truly find it completely taxing to perform this ritual… I would love to tell you it is the most fun I have ever had… I would love to say it does not feel like a never ending job interview, in which you do not get the job… You get the joy of meeting this fabulous person, and from there you chat and try to remember to say all the right things about all the subjects that will have this persons attention long enough that they will want to see you again… Sometimes they do and sometimes not so much… Now I should probably say at this point this is not my first venture into this world in the last couple years… I have signed up for many dating sites well really just one other, though truth be told I signed up went through the humiliating reality of talking about what I want in a partner, and all that I think I am in this moment, by trying to simply define my me-ness, in hopes that some lovely amazing fantastic man will come along and sweep me off my feet, and we can ride off in the sunset, in some period clothing from 1830’s, to live happily ever after in our castle… Now is that too much to ask??? I however did this 5 different times, I would sign up, be inundated by the responses, then overwhelmed by trying to answer them all, then extremely disappointed by their not wanting to date me at all, they preferred to… well you know , only to delete the whole thing, vowing not to do it again… If you know me at all you know that I truly ended this whole experience through self-exploration; meaning I asked why I was attracting such people into my life??? Do I not want to know the partner I have??? Am I only looking for some other outcome, or am I really looking for my soul mate??? My sacred love??? The one person in the universe that is not willing to complete me, he knows he is whole and that I am whole and together we make a team that is so far beyond this realm, it could only truly be sacred???

I have had so many lovely sessions of coaching on how to get him and keep him, that maybe I will call and see if I can write a dating column for Cosmo??? Basically, don’t be yourself… Ha Ha Ha… Now in fairness to all beings that have been enduring my dating life in the last couple years, I asked for the advice, I whined my issues all over these people who are still willing to be my friends, and in some cases we had a bottle of wine and laughed hysterically at the hideousness that is dating… Trust me I have lots of stories, and a wonderful friend named Emma that can recount them all with me… Clearly I decided I required a different type person this time around and I chose a better site… I also decided this time, that it was not necessary to cater to all those beings of which I do not feel a connection…

So I ask the energy, yes or no??? If it is yes, I consider my options, make my response and here we go again… Another interview, beginning with the appointment window, offering some excruciating opportunity, to wait and see, do they answer???  Wait to see if there is a response to your response, they respond again, and so on… Do you wait to respond back??? And then the in person part, where you can’t sit still, you do not want to eat or drink, what if he does not like how I chew??? Will this person find me all the things he values in someone he would like to see again??? Honestly, I have been completely surprised ( pleasantly and gratefully surprised)by the answer to this question as of late… I would have said nope… However it has been yes, amazing all in its own… Now comes the really fun part, what do I say??? What should I not say??? Do I wait and let him ask me?? Do I ask him??? How long is appropriate before you discuss this subject or that one??? What will he do if I allow myself to just be myself??? What if I say the one thing that sends him running??? Or even better what if I am exactly who I am and he likes me??? Then maybe I will find everything??? Which leads me back to where we started, do I walk the walk??? Or do I simply look for a trigger, by doing what I know will make him run??? I would love to tell you, I have on my all-knowing shoes, though if I did I would not be up writing this out at midnight…

I attended a lecture yesterday, with a lovely girl who was speaking of dreams… She was showing how to dream lucidly and thereby live lucidly… I am not sure I really got what she was trying to say, though she made this point… She said we get into these patterns, or habits that create a pathway through the brush, over time this pathway becomes a road, flat and easy to travel… We can see that what is on this path no longer serves, and we try to make a new path through the overgrown bushes, of which we have to bushwhack our way through, a ways in we begin to get tired and find it is easier to travel the road… I have used this road for so long, I can do it from afar, I watch as I do  it time and time again… What would it take to truly break this cycle??? How do you sit still and allow someone to really see you??? When they do see you, I mean really see you, what would it take to be the energy of that is ok, I am willing to be seen??? It is so funny, so very funny, that I have asked for this for so long, and when it shows up, I feel like I have to run… I know I am an amazing being, if I let you see that you will know too, then what???   What if I simply let this all sort itself out???

I think maybe I have rambled on enough for the evening, though I would like to finish by saying; I am grateful despite my whinefest here tonight, I know when I meet someone who is amazing, I know the value of the being that has chosen to meet me, chat with me, text me, and frankly put himself in the hot seat, I in no way find this an easy task from either side of the adventure that is dating… I honor your bravery, and can assure you as much as I try to make it funny, I am honored you would choose to speak to, meet, and/or date me, and maybe something more… Truly

Though it would be lovely if there was a manual, to this response you say, at this juncture you may not want to say this, that is really more of a fifth date sort revelation, this is the date where you are going to want to make sure you shave your legs, and really you have to know him at least this amount of time before sharing that…  😉