Interesting question… I have been called to say what I must say to get out what I require be said… Yes that is what I said… What do you do when faced with exactly what you have asked for in an undeniable form??? Do you run??? Do you step back and take a hard look at it??? Here is what I have been watching me do over and over again… I look at, freak out, pretend that it is not exactly what I asked for, and find as many ways to make it go away as I possibly can so that I can say clearly and profoundly; see it really wasn’t at all what I asked for, or it would have perceived that I wanted it to stay even though I told it to go… As I often say when I stand on my soap box in my all-knowing shoes; how is that working for you??? Are you done denying what you know yet??? Are you willing to receive what you keep asking for???
I have recently embarked on what I find to be the most exhausting, uncomfortable, and thoroughly mind boggling journey that we as humans like to call dating… My response to the word dating; AUGH!!! I truly find it completely taxing to perform this ritual… I would love to tell you it is the most fun I have ever had… I would love to say it does not feel like a never ending job interview, in which you do not get the job… You get the joy of meeting this fabulous person, and from there you chat and try to remember to say all the right things about all the subjects that will have this persons attention long enough that they will want to see you again… Sometimes they do and sometimes not so much… Now I should probably say at this point this is not my first venture into this world in the last couple years… I have signed up for many dating sites well really just one other, though truth be told I signed up went through the humiliating reality of talking about what I want in a partner, and all that I think I am in this moment, by trying to simply define my me-ness, in hopes that some lovely amazing fantastic man will come along and sweep me off my feet, and we can ride off in the sunset, in some period clothing from 1830’s, to live happily ever after in our castle… Now is that too much to ask??? I however did this 5 different times, I would sign up, be inundated by the responses, then overwhelmed by trying to answer them all, then extremely disappointed by their not wanting to date me at all, they preferred to… well you know , only to delete the whole thing, vowing not to do it again… If you know me at all you know that I truly ended this whole experience through self-exploration; meaning I asked why I was attracting such people into my life??? Do I not want to know the partner I have??? Am I only looking for some other outcome, or am I really looking for my soul mate??? My sacred love??? The one person in the universe that is not willing to complete me, he knows he is whole and that I am whole and together we make a team that is so far beyond this realm, it could only truly be sacred???
I have had so many lovely sessions of coaching on how to get him and keep him, that maybe I will call and see if I can write a dating column for Cosmo??? Basically, don’t be yourself… Ha Ha Ha… Now in fairness to all beings that have been enduring my dating life in the last couple years, I asked for the advice, I whined my issues all over these people who are still willing to be my friends, and in some cases we had a bottle of wine and laughed hysterically at the hideousness that is dating… Trust me I have lots of stories, and a wonderful friend named Emma that can recount them all with me… Clearly I decided I required a different type person this time around and I chose a better site… I also decided this time, that it was not necessary to cater to all those beings of which I do not feel a connection…
So I ask the energy, yes or no??? If it is yes, I consider my options, make my response and here we go again… Another interview, beginning with the appointment window, offering some excruciating opportunity, to wait and see, do they answer??? Wait to see if there is a response to your response, they respond again, and so on… Do you wait to respond back??? And then the in person part, where you can’t sit still, you do not want to eat or drink, what if he does not like how I chew??? Will this person find me all the things he values in someone he would like to see again??? Honestly, I have been completely surprised ( pleasantly and gratefully surprised)by the answer to this question as of late… I would have said nope… However it has been yes, amazing all in its own… Now comes the really fun part, what do I say??? What should I not say??? Do I wait and let him ask me?? Do I ask him??? How long is appropriate before you discuss this subject or that one??? What will he do if I allow myself to just be myself??? What if I say the one thing that sends him running??? Or even better what if I am exactly who I am and he likes me??? Then maybe I will find everything??? Which leads me back to where we started, do I walk the walk??? Or do I simply look for a trigger, by doing what I know will make him run??? I would love to tell you, I have on my all-knowing shoes, though if I did I would not be up writing this out at midnight…
I attended a lecture yesterday, with a lovely girl who was speaking of dreams… She was showing how to dream lucidly and thereby live lucidly… I am not sure I really got what she was trying to say, though she made this point… She said we get into these patterns, or habits that create a pathway through the brush, over time this pathway becomes a road, flat and easy to travel… We can see that what is on this path no longer serves, and we try to make a new path through the overgrown bushes, of which we have to bushwhack our way through, a ways in we begin to get tired and find it is easier to travel the road… I have used this road for so long, I can do it from afar, I watch as I do it time and time again… What would it take to truly break this cycle??? How do you sit still and allow someone to really see you??? When they do see you, I mean really see you, what would it take to be the energy of that is ok, I am willing to be seen??? It is so funny, so very funny, that I have asked for this for so long, and when it shows up, I feel like I have to run… I know I am an amazing being, if I let you see that you will know too, then what??? What if I simply let this all sort itself out???
I think maybe I have rambled on enough for the evening, though I would like to finish by saying; I am grateful despite my whinefest here tonight, I know when I meet someone who is amazing, I know the value of the being that has chosen to meet me, chat with me, text me, and frankly put himself in the hot seat, I in no way find this an easy task from either side of the adventure that is dating… I honor your bravery, and can assure you as much as I try to make it funny, I am honored you would choose to speak to, meet, and/or date me, and maybe something more… Truly
Though it would be lovely if there was a manual, to this response you say, at this juncture you may not want to say this, that is really more of a fifth date sort revelation, this is the date where you are going to want to make sure you shave your legs, and really you have to know him at least this amount of time before sharing that… 😉