I had the weirdest dream last night…
It starts with getting in bed with my partner *going by the feel of the dream, no idea who this person is* to go to sleep… I fall asleep in bed in the dream, and while sleeping I am hearing all this stuff moving around in the room, though I do not wake up… In the morning when I do awake, the room has been totally redecorated, in what I would consider completely trashy style… I am instantly just pissed off at the look of it, and the guy is so excited to show me what he has done… The conversation goes somewhere along the lines of,” don’t you just love it???”, without a thought I say “no” and start pointing out what I don’t like about… The guy is beginning to look a bit beat up around it, and the argument continues, and he says he wanted some of himself in the room, and that it is his place too… I stop being angry and see that maybe he is right, and I should allow him to be in the space too… Then he gets all excited again and explains what went on through the night, I feel myself getting angry again, as he tells me he has brought his friends and my family in to do this for me… I ask some questions to get clarity around what has taken place here… “So what you are saying is you waited until I was asleep, and then you had everyone come here and change everything, without considering or consulting me in what I would choose for my home, and you think this will make me happy???” He starts to see how I am taking this, and still smiling says “yes, isn’t it great???”… I reply very loudly “get out, take your stuff with you, all of it, now”… Looking totally hurt he says “nice” quite sarcastically… I get very very cruel from here in my insistence that he leave and not return, and that he take all his stuff with him, I do not ever want to see him again… He does eventually leave, and I look around at the mess I have to now fix…
How weird is that??? It is so literal and yet not… Clearly choice is something I am not willing to give up for anyone… It also shows where I am willing to pretend I do not know what is happening around me, only to wake and find everything changed… Wow, so funny, all this brought all these occasions of which this same thing had played out in my life, less dramatic, yet still there… Twenty plus years ago, my husband had brought home this huge new tv, it was very expensive, it was very nice, it fit well in the room, he was so excited… It had never even crossed his mind to ask me if I wanted it, or what I thought about it, or that I have any choice in it… He could not understand why I was so pissed off… It all blew up around the money, and I was not at that time willing to admit it had nothing to do with money, it had everything to do with how clear it was that my choice was not being honored as a part of our relationship… I was also not honoring me, in my relationship with me *hind sight is 20/20*…
This all plays into the last few days of course… I was asked what I would like to get out of the class??? My answer was that I would like to honor me as the priority in my life… Hmmm… Definitely something around that is playing out in my dreams… What would it take for me to always honor me, in my relationship with me??? I consider you in everything I do, including my writing of this blog… What will you think of it, what do you want to know, what will keep your attention??? What if I no longer considered you in my writing??? What if I honored me in my writing by writing for me??? What if it no longer mattered to me what you thought of how I write??? What would it look like If I simply wrote for the joy it brings to me??? How does it get even better than that???
Today is Level One…