Dreams And Delusions

Years ago; years ago how crazy is that??? 3 years ago it feels like forever and just yesterday… I was sitting in group of lovely ladies listening to Divine Grace speak on each ladies question… At that time my friends had just gone through a deep shift and they were struggling with the way they were being treated by longtime friends… They were desperately clinging to these friendships and so hurt that they were being told to go away or simply being ignored… I do not remember the exact question they had asked… I do remember the statement following as if it was last night… It was one of those things I have repeated time and time again to others since that evening…

Their words were Beloved one; it is simply a change in the light… It is as if you are shining a red light and all of your friends are red lights and the people you meet are red lights, and then you change and become a blue light, it is not that they do not love you; it is simply they cannot see you… They do not do this in malice they simply can only see the red light at this time… It may be that they will remain a red light in this life or they may become a yellow, or even a blue joining you again… You have not left them behind you have simply begun vibrating another color… Remember in these times that we are changing rapidly and they can always catch a faster bus or train, to meet up with you…

Or something very close to that…

Anyway, something of this nature has occurred in my world recently… I have shifted and changed in ways I have yet to put into words… If you take a long hard look at me I doubt that you could truly observe anything distinct in the change and yet it has been profound… The images I have been receiving for years are now much clearer, the connection to those around me stronger, the overall feeling of everything is so enhanced that it is unexplainable… I have a difficulty being around more than a handful of people and I have a definite knowing that actually startled me… Things that mattered to me two months ago do not now… Ties that were bound into my heart have released and fallen away… My eyesight has changed as well as my hearing… Not just my hearing but the hearing in words be spoken, they are now connected… It jumbles around in my mind to find the words to say what is mine now that was unseen before by me… I am on a sensory overload in almost every moment… I hear what is said and I know what is meant… Sounds simple and yet wasn’t before…

Let me see if I can explain a bit better… Before I had babies I remember having been in several situations in which I would go through the drama of, oh no I think I am pregnant, what if I am pregnant, I couldn’t be, what will I do, no I have been careful, where will I go, what will I say??? Because I can be a bit of a slow learner at times, I went through this many times, only to find I was not… However in both cases in which I was I knew immediately, long before the test… I knew for sure, absolutely positive, not a single doubt… This is the difference in me today…

Obviously I cannot take a test to prove the shift and yet I know it has come about, I also know it is not done… I have spent the last few weeks trying to test it, and trying it out in different situations, and yes doubting it could be that easy… Basically looking for a confirmation that I hadn’t just gone off the deep end… I have been asking for all of this for so long, and yet it is a bit scary…

Some part of me knew this was all taking place and had cleared the way for me to have space to be this change… However I am also watching people fall out of my life, as well as new people coming in… I can feel the change in the type of being that is seeing me now and though it is exciting it is also a bit sad to be moving on from a life I have known for so long…

So I went poking around with friends yesterday at BMSE, Body Mind Spirit Expo… As you know I love this show, though this time I was not really planning to go, until I got a message do you want to come along, all the sudden it was light and yes I did want to come along… So much going through me this last month that I have just really hidden from everyone… I get into crowds and I feel everyone tugging at me, I just want to run, run like hell for the nearest place that might be empty… I cannot seem to handle more than a handful of beings in my space at any given time; it has been a sensory overload… However in this case it felt light and I was with a like power, in a venue I have navigated many times so there was a comfort, therefore it seemed to work for me…

My friend wanted to have her Aura done, and I offered to do it with her and then everyone in our group had it done… It is a very funny thing judgment, So she does hers first it takes just a minute for the picture to print and she is asked to go to the back of the booth and another person does the reading portion for her, I sit and have mine taken, and continue with the man taking the photo… Seriously I thought they made a mistake with mine, it looked just like hers, only slightly different in some tones of the color and placement of the main green color we shared… I thought he was going to say hold on let me reboot this thing and we will start again… Nope!!! It really was almost the same as hers, our friends that came along after us, got totally different pictures… So as this goes on and we have very similar photo’s we have very different people giving us very different readings…

Mine goes something like all the green shows your imagination and ideas, you are very curious, you have strong will you like fun and yet you can control yourself , you are very curious and in your head, you are very curious *he said this a lot*,  but there is no connection to health, to the body… You are not connected to the body, here is an exercise class we do… HA HA HA!!! Hers was she is a healer, and imaginative and she is speaking her truth more, and opening to her voice… *this is the day after so I have forgotten a lot of what he said*… Anyway she came out quite happy with a coupon for a five dollar, one on one session for a class she had wanted to take… Now she is a different framework than I am, so it is easy to see the difference in the upselling of the classes… I simply find it quite funny that she was not told she was disconnected from body… Clearly he had a few points of view he wanted to get across, and maybe I needed to hear this again??? However there are so many places that I got a no when he did my reading before I got to the body thing that, my biggest question around this was; is this for me to recognize my knowing???

We poke around a bit more in the day and try to get in to a class that we totally missed; about the grand trine occurring in the planets right now… The lady says she would happily tell us at her booth, about it if we would like to go over and chat… She was giving an astrology reading when we arrived so we all waited… it took a bit to complete and they were like well if we wait she will want us to pay her for a reading and I said I was going to get one anyway it was a twenty dollar mini reading with your birth chart and such… They are all “cool” we will just stay with you…

So I sit *they are all sitting around me* and give her my info, knowing what she was going to want to know… She says oh, well your chart does not show that you will be directly affected by the grand trine which is probably really good, and she proceeds to tell me that I am at the end of my Saturn return and that I have probably been in a very rocky relationship if I was in one at all… I told her no I am not in one and have not been since entering Saturn returns three years ago… She says that was probably best, and goes on to say that my past love life had been rough and intense, and that it will be about two and a half years before I will welcome relationship in my life again… *please note; I am giving you the jest of what I heard and remember* That I can’t be bothered with relationships at this time as they are more annoying than I can handle through this transition… I am of course if you know me at all looking at her like what have you been drinking/smoking??? And being direct as I usually am, and I said “so what you are telling me is that if someone was to enter my life right now or in the next two years I do not have even a chance of having a relationship with this man at all”??? She says no that is not what I said at all, I said it would be difficult to have one, that to begin one now would be hard work… She goes on to say that I am not in the place of taking any of the hit and run type guys, or any nonsense… That as soon as it would come up, I would end it… That if I was to have a relationship at this point it will have depth because I am not willing to settle for less than that, it would be annoying to me otherwise, and not worth my time… Yep!!! That is about right… That has about summed up the energy of what I have been discovering lately…

This is too funny really, I cannot put up with it… I can take your truth and your directness even when I think you are being a total doosh *yes I know that is not how it is spelled but I like how it looks and the other way kept messing up my spell checker too* However play your player card, or let me catch you trying to lie to me, and I am not in it… See Ya!!! Some guy did this to me in December and I just told him off, and ended all the online dating stuff… I was just sick of the game… I have been out on a few since, but mostly with guys I have known for a long time that do not feel they need that game anymore… I know I am supposed to be all check me out, and pretend I do not notice… Play hard to get, and bat my eyelashes appropriately to attract the perfect guy and keep him… Well guess what??? I don’t want to… I would rather be me and have fun; I think it is highly possible that I can find a guy that likes me as I am without all of the games… Besides if he can see past the missing flutter of hard to get, I know that the rest will be totally worth it and way more fun than can be imagined… If not, then I guess I will be on my own for a bit longer…

Which does not in any way mean that I am giving up…?

Most of my friends also had their reading done as well, they were all good readings, and we were all yep, that is you, and remember that time, or when you said that…

After all this we went to dinner it was really a wonderful day!!!

PS  I have two full reading this week , wish me great stuff… How does it get even better than that???

Have you ever had one of those moments when you are sitting in the theater and something in a movie sparks the answer to a question you have been asking for as long as you can remember??? I had the most amazing yet ridiculous epiphany while watching of all things Mr. Peabody and Sherman with my son recently… It has been on my mind off and on since then…

When I was a little girl I would have this dream, well nightmare really… It came with another over and over again, I would go to my mother’s room in tears, and since she always locked her door, and slept very soundly I would sleep outside it until morning… I may have even told you about this dream before, I know that I have asked about it in dream seminars, and different things like that… The answers always seemed to lead to trust issues with my mother…

So here is what the dream was like; it had sand colored ground and a reddish tint to the sky a bit like dusk yet far more ominous, and there was this massive canopy style tent in the distance, and torches around it, no trees or bushes more like desert… There was a line of parents with children struggling to get away, weaving into the tent … The closer you got the louder the screams were that came from inside… I was with my mother, wriggling and crying, trying to get loose and she just kept saying it is for your own good * a term that to this day I do not do well with*… So as I would get almost to the front of the line I would see that they were removing their skin… And then I would wake up…

This dream always played out the same no real variation that I can or did at the time notice, and I had it a lot… So you could see why people would go to trust issues with the mother, and I will not tell I did not have them because if you know me at all you know that I do… However I have recently discovered through a cartoon of all things that this dream goes far beyond this life…

I had a friend a while back that we were exploring past life pictures and stories we could connect with… I remember telling her I had been in a seminar for past life readings where the lady tells those that ask snippets of a past life… Now she would come to the show twice a year and I attended her seminar twice a year apart… You should also know that you see the same people at shows like this over and over, there are people that I talk to at these shows, that I have no idea of their name and yet I have known them for years… So in this room the lady asked for volunteers, and both times I had volunteered and was chosen, along with some of the same people from the previous year… There had been many that I did not know or remember and several I did… She gave me just me, the same yet worded differently past life both times… I had been in china, and been a man with many wives that liked to argue and I didn’t seem to mind, apparently I like to smoke a lot of opium … Which was later in a completely different reading by someone completely different was the reason I have no tolerance for that type thing this life… Things that make you go hmmmm???

Anyway back to the original story, I told my friend this story and she started to tell one of her past life stories about having been in ancient Egypt as a young girl, and how she had been taken into a space at the top of a pyramid in which there was a gathering of priestesses … One very old, like extremely ancient one had apparated  into the space and she was telling of the awe of this wise woman… As she told her story I would see it unfold like a movie, not just pictures the whole movie, I knew what she meant because I had been the old woman… This movie played out in more detail over the next few months, and I can tell you I have no doubt this was from another life…

So while sitting in the theater watching this movie there is a part in the movie when they are in ancient Egypt, and the young King Tut offers to have the skin removed of the boy that was annoying them… Honestly I have no words for the things that would come through at that moment… I watched the movie again *of the past life* and realized that I had had this happen in that life… That this dream was a carry over, from a past life had not ever occurred to me… When you look up this practice you find it was done in ancient civilizations when they wanted to discourage those who practice magic…

They call it flaying, they would remove the skin and hang it on the wall to remind you not to disobey their law… Or maybe I should be more specific they did it to witches…

This is from a site I found on this subject;

“In this author’s opinion, this was the most uncivilized method of torture and punishment practiced during the Middle Ages. Brutal to the bone, it involved removing the skin from the body of a still living prisoner.

Flaying was an ancient practice, inflicted on criminals, captured soldiers and ‘witches’ around a thousand years ago in places such as the Middle East and Africa. The victim was flayed alive as part of a public execution, after which the skin was nailed to the wall as a warning, so that others, would heed the lesson and never ever dare to defy the law.”

Anyways that explains why I have not felt the desire to visit Egypt this life, and I am not in any way happy to have artifacts of that age… Again things that make you go hmmm???

They say the eyes are the window to the soul… I have always held this to be very true… I truly feel often all you would have to do is to look into my eyes, and you could see my whole world, everything I hold dear within… It feels as though I am naked when people do that, and not the naked without clothes; naked without any protection from anything someone could or would do to me… I know that if I do not want you to know my true feelings I have a very difficult time keeping eye contact with you… I suspect it often looks as though I am lying when I do that… When in fact I just don’t want to share the depth of me in that moment…

Case and point, I got taken into what felt like an interrogation the other day over something I said… I sat there wiggling, trying not to lose focus, trying to stay direct and answer the questions… I am sure it looked bad, because I was fidgeting and unable to keep eye contact, of course it had to look as though I am lying… When I simply don’t want to show anymore of the background stuff going on in me… I am aware it is not shared anymore and it is inappropriate in this circumstance… And yet I always feel as though it is laid out on the table for anyone to sift through, should they choose to…

I know I have said a few times over the last year, how very shocked I have been to find that so many people find me so… Ambivalent??? No more like they find me Apathetic, yes that is the word I was looking for… When I think I feel too much, there are so many times when I am somewhere and my heart is breaking from the injustice, or cruelty shown to others… It has taken me years to get to where I am not in tears every day; for you and those around you… I watch horrible things happen and I watch just such obvious injustices be overlooked…

You want know what I see when I am in a foreign country like India, I see babies in the road selling coloring books for money to eat, and I know in their energy if they don’t bring back enough money they are hurt… How does anyone not see this??? And as my eyes tear, and my heart breaks, and my thoughts go to if I take them home I can fix it… I have to remember they chose this, they chose this life, they chose this family, and they did so knowing they would bring from this life what they require for their own personal reasons and expansion… I can spend the rest of my life in a total depression, trying to make life better for them, only to come to the end and see that they made this choice and they are still choosing it; and it is not my place to fix what is not broken for you or them… I cannot change them, and I cannot change their choice… I can only stay positive, send them my love and my light and surround them in it when I think of it, and pray that they bring from this life all that they came here for…

And then I can tell you about the everyday moments of trying to do the right thing and not being able to do it well enough to either show someone it matters to you that they are there, even when they make the choice not to be for you… Or well enough to make others see the value in someone, so that that person can continue with this mundane place from day to day… It isn’t for me to choose for you… You make your own choices and there is nothing I can do when you choose to be persecuted in an everyday way, and there is nothing I can do when you choose not to be loved, or not to be friended, or not to be treated kindly… All I can do is continue to treat you with kindness, show you my friendship, love you as I do, and pray that someday, whether that day is while you share this planet with me or when you return to the oneness that you find a willingness to receive what I gift you… If you don’t choose it now, or later I will still gift it… As you are the choices you make, I am the choices I make… I choose LOVE; that is just how I roll… HDIGBTT???

What I really want to do right now is scream… Scream loud and long and then go into the fucking tirade I deserve… Telling you how very angry it makes me all the hypocrisies that happen in everyday business… However since it is about the mundane life I lead in the everyday I will instead tell you what I do when I cannot just scream at the top of my lungs; after all we are not in the UK where you can scream like you are being murdered and no one even notices… I know this for a fact, I could hear my neighbors talking in their house next door while I was in my kitchen with the doors closed, and there was a space of about 15 feet between our homes… There were three separate occasions that I literally screamed at the top of my lungs over and over for 15 minutes, and they never even peeked out the curtains…

If you had told me even one year ago I would be back here again in the workforce, doing this type of a position, I doubt I would have truly believed you… Despite the knowing that my world was going to have some serious changes come about… I really truly did not see myself doing this type of work again, and maybe I am here simply to see the value in my writing again… I love writing and it seems I have much to write about lately… Considering I have two or three of these entries sitting midway on my computer at any given time… Not to mention those still rolling about inside my head every morning while in the shower… Some are hysterically funny and some are simply venting…

Like anyone I go to sleep thinking about stuff and I wake up thinking about stuff… Sometimes I am woken in the middle of the night in the midst of a conversation with someone else… It is a bit weird to be in my house at 3:30 am I will get up and start talking out loud with the person without skipping a beat, they have no idea that I can hear them, and even less that I can see the images they send… It is usually clear who it is, however it is not always an embodied being, nor is it always clear what part is for me…

There are so many of these weird moments in my life, I have no idea what they all mean… Though I can assure I am always looking for the meaning… There are times people are walking by and they say something they intend for me, and this comment sticks with me until I finally am able to put the energy with some outcome… For example a while ago someone discovered this writing and told another person about it, who walks by me saying as if to no one that “some people just share too much”… I knew what the reference was to, because it came with a picture… Comments like this often do come with pictures… Though I rarely pay much attention to them, however this was kind of a stingy comment so it has stuck a bit…

It is comments like these that make me stop and wonder if I should censor what I write??? Should I write for you, or should I write for me??? This is the real question… So I spend a few days, weeks, months sometimes thinking my blogs out quite carefully as to not offend, and then I come back to “fuck it” this is my blog, I write this blog for me, it’s just that simple… I will write what I like… I pay for this site, I maintain this site, I post to it and I can say whatever the fuck I want, and if you do not like it you can read something else…

I am not concerned if you do not like it, I am not concerned if you find yourself referenced in it, though I go to great lengths to avoid saying names, or giving any for sure references to most mentioned in here; it is also not unlikely I will use something you have said to me alone in a way that will allow you to know it is you I am referencing… I am not concerned if you think it is far too open, or honest, trashy or dramatic… It can be all these things and then it can be quite wise and wonderful… These are many of the sides of me though still nowhere close to all of them… Imagine if I tell you all this, and yet knowing I tell truth, I also say I keep quite a lot to myself as well… I have great friends, close friends, wonderful people I share much with, and yet there is so much I do not say, that I do not share, that I have not found that person I could say anything to, nor the freedom to say all that I be here… Can you imagine what it could be that I hold back??? Probably not…

Anyway, I am done rambling on for now…

This is my second favorite way to scream, I get in my car and you could hear any or all of these lines belted out from within, while I am on the road or from my kitchen… I picked out some of my favorite lines from some my favorite songs at the moment…

“Cause I may be bad, But I’m perfectly good at it, Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it…” Rhianna

“If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” Snow Patrol

“I’ve always wanted for you what you’ve wanted for yourself, and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell, and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt, and in the meantime I lost myself, in the meantime I lost myself, I’m sorry I lost myself- I am” Alanis Morissette

“Not everybody knows how to work my body, Knows how to make me want it, Boy, you stay up on it, You got that something that keeps me so off balance, Baby, you’re a challenge, let’s explore your talent…”  Rhianna

“You can be amazing, you can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug, you can be the outcast, or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love, or you can start speaking up” Sara Barielles

“How can you say you’re close to God, and yet you talk behind my back as though I’m not a part of you, why do I say “I’m fine” When it’s obvious I’m not, why’s it so hard to tell you what I want, why can’t you just read my mind?”

“Can I be with a lover with whom I am a student, And a master, oh why am I encouraged to shut my mouth When it gets too close to home, why cannot I Live in the moment” Alanis Morissette

“I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed, Get along with the voices inside of my head, You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath, And you think I’m crazy, yeah, you think I’m crazy” Rhianna

“So you wanna play with magic, Boy, you should know what you’re falling for, Baby do you dare to do this? Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse, Are you ready for, ready for A perfect storm, perfect storm, Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine… There’s no going back “ Katy Perry

“I’m not loose, I like to party, Let’s get lost in your Ferrari, Not psychotic or dramatic, I like boys and that is that, Love it when you call me legs, In the morning buy me eggs, Watch your heart when we’re together, Boys like you love me forever…” Lady Gaga

Off to makes some noise and maybe even calm down…

Pisceans, my life if sprinkled with them… I have a niece, nephew, child, friends, and many partners/dates, that fall under the sign of Pisces… So to say my life is sprinkled is like saying fire is warm… It completely depends on where you are standing…

You can bet that if I like him, I mean really like him, completely stuck and totally cannot stop thinking about him, head over heels infatuated to the point of delusion, he is a Pisces… I have some insane attraction to them, even though they know everything, they correct you no matter what you say, and you cannot make a generalized statement around them… If you say something that starts with I think; don’t be surprised if they pick up their state of the art technological smart phone to google what you said in order to prove you right or wrong… They are completely filled with trivia that is more than likely going to drive you absolutely bat shit crazy at some point… When they find something they like they will become all knowing to the point of obsession about it… We have had many holiday get together *over and over again* that turn in to a who knows more about what contest… My son in fact often complains that no one will play trivia games with him anymore because they never have a chance to win…

They are just so brilliant, sometimes I wanna just; well you get the idea… They have wonderful huge hearts, and rarely see how amazing they are or how brilliant they are for that matter, they are sweet and would do anything for you… They love to be the hero… They are secretive of all things personal about themselves… Maybe that is part of my fascination, the mystery of them??? I am all sharing and they are no sharing… The Pisces is the feeler, He/She feels deeper than all the other signs, it is very likely most would look and say you are just being overly dramatic, and yet the truth is that is how they feel overly dramatic… Oh ya and they are messy, you can usually find them surrounded by all the little projects or items that they have decided to take apart to either figure out how it works or to reorganize it efficiently…

All that said there really is only so much of the Piscean/Pisces energy that one can handle in one month… So to not only be with the Pisces, but to also be under direct energetic guidance of the sign, it all just ends in an emotional mess of sorts… And trust me when I say; what I do not need more of in this moment is emotion… I emote quite well on my own…

So with all this whining I have to tell you, that to have so many in my life is entirely my own fault… It is from choice, not just choice; cognitive choice that they are here… Years ago I asked outright for this, and the universe has more than granted it to me… So let me just say today I am relieved and grateful that we have transitioned through the energy of Pisces into the energy of Aries… Fire energy that I understand…

Pisces Description

The Pisces-born, that is, the people born under the twelfth Zodiac Sign – Pisces (Meena) – are the most intuitive in the entire Zodiac calendar. This Sign brings together many of the characteristics of the eleven Signs preceding it. Represented by a pair of Fish, the Pisces are spiritual, selfless and focused on the soul’s journey towards salvation. But, so caught up they are in their perfect, idealistic worlds that at times, they may have a tough time distinguishing the fact from fantasy. The Pisces may also have an ideal notion of how the things should be, which may leave them disillusioned or lost.

The Pisces are always torn between choices whether to seek the light or sink into the darkness. They are compassionate unless pushed to the wall, and when that happens they can be very caustic. But the sarcasm is not always direct, which is also the reason why it generally passes off unnoticed. The Pisces tend to lapse into melancholy if not heard, or into a kind of pessimism that can lead to wasting, procrastination and lethargy.

Otherwise known and liked for their kind and sympathetic nature, the Pisces are charming and possess a carefree approach towards many things in life. The going may get tough for them, once they have to follow rules or are required to match a certain level of discipline. When it gets overwhelming, the Pisces, in all likelihood, will flee and hide, while the weaker ones are likely to indulge in alcohol and drugs to escape. Some may pour out their emotions through creative arts, music or poetry, but most of them may seldom open up to those around them on a personal basis. Although brave and independent, the Fish are quite impractical, and may be somewhat uneasy while dealing with the real world. These unselfish and empathetic souls can easily be confused and may hardly get much done. Spiritual matters and occult science fascinate them to a great extent, and they love to delve in subjects related to them.

As mentioned before, the Pisces let their creative juices flow in order to express their emotions. Hence, these sensitive souls can reach great heights, if they choose to make a career in performing arts. Besides, considering how compassionate and charitable they are, Ganesha feels that the Pisces can do well in the medical field. Physics is another field they can be successful in. Besides, their obstinate independent streak rarely allows them to be dependent on others. However, they are often distracted when bored and need to be more focused and inspired to give their best.

Extremely romantic and emotional, the Pisces are generally gentle and relaxed people and modest to the point of impracticality. When in love, the Pisces are caring and romantic and extremely creative. They crave for fairytale endings, being more in love with the idea of love than being in love itself. Though strongly attracted to good looks, their attention span waivers at unintelligent partners, or at times simply because they secure the object of their desire.

So I had this whole spiel to tell you about how horrible this day has been, and what a victim I am… Blah Blah blah… Truth is for me today the worst part was my coffee spilled in my car…

7 years ago today was and still is and will probably always be one of my most favorite days… I was surrounded by family and friends and they were all happy and celebrating love… How does it ever get better than that???

After complaining to my teacher about the copycat stuff I have been watching taking place, I told him it feels as though it invalidates everything we had… That it makes it not special, like it never mattered… He said “that is not truth”… He said “on this planet they have a saying; imitation is the highest form of flattery… So look at this from the positive side, it is not that he is trying to erase it, he thinks it was so special he is trying to recreate it, and say to yourself; How great am I???”

So out of respect, today I dressed in black to honor the dead, and I had Mexican food for dinner…

Off to bed now everybody enjoy your beers…

Ya, there does always seem to be another side to every story doesn’t there??? It looks like I get to show my duplicity now…

So yesterday I had a meeting with my teacher, and of course I had all kinds of questions about India and the gentleman who has been on the mind for quite some time…

While I was away in India; and very very sick… My gentleman friend we will call him, as this is how the teacher referred to him… He was from a distance watching over me… Making comments on my health and making sure I was taking care of me… The day I went to the hospital, I was scared so very scared and though I had someone there with me as well as a group of beings that have been looking after me for quite some time, some my whole life here… When the doctor told me that if I did not get better in the next few days I would have to be admitted to this hospital… There was such a trigger of Oh Shit!!! That happened within me… I knew that if they got me in that hospital I was not coming out… I know how dramatic that sounds, and yet every time I look at the energy I know it is true… I have had lifetimes there in India and I did not escape, and the fear of this being a repeat was so strong and deeply rooted, the only way to stay safe was to cling to something outside of me… The one I wanted was here in Portland; the one that I kept in mind was him… Funny that I would have powerful divine beings all around me and the energy I required is of the mortal realm… More amazing than that it was given…

The teacher says my trip was a success, that as much as being sick was difficult, it was necessary to my expansion… That I released and cleared huge amounts of denseness from my physical body… You see I have been trying to leave for some time now, I have been trying to shall we say float away; and the body being the amazing organ it is, has been creating weight in order to keep me grounded… This is one of the reasons I reach for men that are very stuck in this reality, they are the rock to my balloon… People often think the weight is from food, and they rarely believe me when I tell them it has nothing to do with food… I know it has everything to do with wanting to go home, and my spirit often moves from this reality, giving the body the feeling of falling away…

Anyway through the work being done in India, the body has lightened considerably, this has given a settled feeling for the body… I have also been told that my heart opened in a very big way as well… It’s funny when you think about it, you would think that if your heart was to expand on a grand scale you would notice??? You know something like what the Grinch experienced, when his heart grew 10 sizes… However I did not really notice either the heart or the grounding, maybe that is because I was too sick to know… I still am having trouble seeing my trip on a professional level as successful; it does however lighten the energy knowing it was successful on an emotional and spiritual level…

My journey back to this country was filled with speed bumps, in many areas… I cannot say it was at all enjoyable, though it did create a necessity for determination… I got charged for 3 pounds over on my luggage in India, and then go through security, my stuff ended up all over the place… I had to wait 8 hours to board the plane in Dubai, after two security checks; only to have them turn the plane around on the runway due to brake issues… So we had to exit the plane, and go through another security check, because of course I must have picked up something hazardous while sitting the hour on the plane the first time… so when we finally take off, we are 3 hours behind, which the captain says we will probably catch up some on the way… However we arrive four and a half hours late, leaving me one hour to get off the plane, through customs, and across San Francisco airport recheck my luggage, and get through another security check; in order to catch my plane home… I can assure you I was tired and in tears most of the last part of this journey, I unfortunately took it out on many in the path of my destination… I made the plane five minutes before takeoff…

Later in the week I would find that I had inadvertently switched laptops with someone in the security check… I got a call explaining this, and we had to send them back to each other, hers has arrived and mine is somewhere in transit…

So now it is easy to see that with all that is occurring in my world over the last month that I might not take it well when someone I thought cared about me bailed quickly… It’s funny I think I have said at least a hundred times, but this was different… Truthfully each has been, and this case was too… Though you would really think I would be used to this other shoe drop effect, it still shocks me every time…

There are a couple things I need to say and then I will let this rest… I know I was not wrong about what was there; I know it was not my imagination… I have been told again that I simply frighten them away; though I thought or maybe I just hoped this one was a bit stronger… You have no idea how it feels to know that someone is willing to toss you to the winds, not because you totally suck, but because you don’t… I watched this play out in high school over and over again… The bitch always got the guy… I really liked this guy, he was smart, sweet and funny, and we quickly made friends… He was however dating this total whatsit!!! She would get mad when he didn’t have the money to take her out, or buy her things… She of course was seeing lots of other guys behind his back… Eventually he caught wind and they broke up… I got my chance to date him, for a couple weeks before he dumped me to go back to her… He married her a few years later… lol… It is what it is, I suppose…

The part that really sucks about this is I do not get a choice in all of this, I have to stand back and honor the choice this person has made; despite that it impacts me… The really great part of all of this is that I do not get any choice in all of this; I just get to stand back and honor the choice this person has made… And despite my feeling hurt, I am truly grateful that when I needed someone, he was there…

What I know is I would have truly loved the chance to explore this, and yet I cannot be with anyone that doesn’t choose me in return… Been there done that, got the t-shirt and the bumper sticker…

Someday someone will come along and make that choice, and I will wait for the other shoe to fall, and it will never hit the ground…

How does it get even better than that???

Good Morning,

Coffee??? “Always”… I have had coffee adventures already today… I set it all up and went to do the dishes, only to come around the corner and see I had forgotten to put the pot underneath… Well it is clear how that went several towels later… So then I go to make a fresh pot and instead of adding the beans to the grinder first, I pour them straight into the filter… lol… maybe I am a bit distracted??? Maybe I am a bit sleepy??? I was woken up at 3:30am with an incessant conversation going on in my dream *ya we will call it a dream*… Someone freaking out over something I wrote, or something like that…

Anyway I feel much better today; and actually I felt much better yesterday, though sleeping always refreshes a situation, with a new perspective…

I love this thing it gives me the freedom to rant like crazy, and then I feel better… I am shocked that so many people read this, and at the same time I am pleased… I am able to say here things I used to hold in and let smolder until it consumed me… Thankfully I have this outlet now…

I have a Me day planned today, I am headed to the beach… I see the weather is to be a bit rainy; that is ok, I will bring extra things to change into… I have a very important date with a beach and some salty water, and I will be ranting and walking and releasing all that has been up in my world while I was away… Tonight is the Full moon and oh how she loves when you give all that crap to her, to let go of; then of course it is gifted to our beautiful planet that turns that harsh energy back to loving energy… This is absolutely amazing, and completely awe inspiring… As much as I would love to be able to do that, it is a difficult feat in this framework… So for now I leave it to them to manage for me…

I have neglected to tell you, though you may have already noticed… When I arrived home last week, guess what had happened??? Spring had sprung!!! I love spring!!! I love the colors, and the smell, my favorite is when it starts to snow pink petals all over the street… That makes me want to sing… Have a great day everybody, I am off to the beach… Yay!!! Spring!!!

How does it get even better than that???

Very beautiful, though you really do not know their true depth, until they have been uncapped… They are extremely powerful, with the ability to recreate a world through destruction… Even when they do not fully engage, the after effects are devastating and can be seen for decades… We had an occurrence of this nature when I was a teen… I remember ash covering everything, breathing the air caused the roof of my mouth to bleed from thousands of little cuts… It took 57 lives, and changed not only the view but the plant life living in those areas to this day… Oh the wonder of destruction…

There is courage in being a volatile igneous rock formation… I want very much to say some very horrible things; even knowing there is the possibility of destroying what I had hoped to build…  Leaving a path of destruction is far from my desire… I know many people think I am so sweet and don’t think like this at all… Oh, trust me I do; I simply try not to let those thoughts fall out of my mouth… Not that I mean any of it truly, like anyone I have moments of just wanting to lash out irrationally, to hurt or harm just because I have been hurt or harmed… The truth is I am just so tired of the duality of people… Somehow the duality of nature is much easier to take…

All that being said; I would like to say it is none of your fucking business how I feel, what is going on with me, or how many hours I put into something, I really get nothing from… Well I do get something that distracts me from what seems to have no other name for it than; loneliness… I am distracted from having to go home and cook for one; not to mention that I take pride in what I do simply because I do it… It does need to be said that though I recognize that I feel lonely a lot, it does not in any way mean I will settle for just anyone wandering into my life… He has to have a true heart, and be willing to share himself with me… There is also lot to be said for privacy, and as much as I seem to be an out there all over the place person, I value mine, and protect it with fierceness; so trust me I get it…

No!!! This is not what I would like my life to look like… I have been working on recreating my foundation so that when I build my world on it this time, it doesn’t crumble to the ground… I have been very successful in this, and though it may not be complete as of yet, all the concrete has been poured… I no longer trigger to old habits, when someone hurts me, I now go do something nice for me… If given my choice, I would much rather be excited to talk with you, to see you, and spend time with you, fall into your smile… That however blew up all over the place…

So if you are simply asking how I am because it is something to say; I am fine, thank you for asking… If you are asking because you genuinely give a shit about me; well I am a bit of a mess at the moment, it will sort, it always sorts, and I truly appreciate your concern… If you are asking because you would like to give me the feeling that I have finally found someone who truly cares what is up in my world, someone who has met me and likes me for who I am, someone who cares about me, and can’t resist being close; only to turn around in a few weeks or months to show me you are not willing to put yourself in it at all; Please in the nicest possible way FUCK OFF!!! The number you have dialed has been changed; the new number is unpublished… Please hang up and try your call again…

I am willing to put my heart on the line only if it will be honored with yours in return… I am not willing to have my feelings run through the mill again…

I am at a place of accepting this is my world; and I do not have the strength in this moment to repair it all again… I would also like to say for the record I know what is happening whether I outright say so or not… I can see you, I hear what you say, I see your thoughts, and I know your heart, you are not hiding from me… You can choose to be with me or not … If you don’t like your choice, make another…

Please excuse me now; I have some ash to clean up…

 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0co33GX9z9E

“All my life

I’ve tried

To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin’ for someone to tell me it’s my turn
To decide.”