Ya, there does always seem to be another side to every story doesn’t there??? It looks like I get to show my duplicity now…
So yesterday I had a meeting with my teacher, and of course I had all kinds of questions about India and the gentleman who has been on the mind for quite some time…
While I was away in India; and very very sick… My gentleman friend we will call him, as this is how the teacher referred to him… He was from a distance watching over me… Making comments on my health and making sure I was taking care of me… The day I went to the hospital, I was scared so very scared and though I had someone there with me as well as a group of beings that have been looking after me for quite some time, some my whole life here… When the doctor told me that if I did not get better in the next few days I would have to be admitted to this hospital… There was such a trigger of Oh Shit!!! That happened within me… I knew that if they got me in that hospital I was not coming out… I know how dramatic that sounds, and yet every time I look at the energy I know it is true… I have had lifetimes there in India and I did not escape, and the fear of this being a repeat was so strong and deeply rooted, the only way to stay safe was to cling to something outside of me… The one I wanted was here in Portland; the one that I kept in mind was him… Funny that I would have powerful divine beings all around me and the energy I required is of the mortal realm… More amazing than that it was given…
The teacher says my trip was a success, that as much as being sick was difficult, it was necessary to my expansion… That I released and cleared huge amounts of denseness from my physical body… You see I have been trying to leave for some time now, I have been trying to shall we say float away; and the body being the amazing organ it is, has been creating weight in order to keep me grounded… This is one of the reasons I reach for men that are very stuck in this reality, they are the rock to my balloon… People often think the weight is from food, and they rarely believe me when I tell them it has nothing to do with food… I know it has everything to do with wanting to go home, and my spirit often moves from this reality, giving the body the feeling of falling away…
Anyway through the work being done in India, the body has lightened considerably, this has given a settled feeling for the body… I have also been told that my heart opened in a very big way as well… It’s funny when you think about it, you would think that if your heart was to expand on a grand scale you would notice??? You know something like what the Grinch experienced, when his heart grew 10 sizes… However I did not really notice either the heart or the grounding, maybe that is because I was too sick to know… I still am having trouble seeing my trip on a professional level as successful; it does however lighten the energy knowing it was successful on an emotional and spiritual level…
My journey back to this country was filled with speed bumps, in many areas… I cannot say it was at all enjoyable, though it did create a necessity for determination… I got charged for 3 pounds over on my luggage in India, and then go through security, my stuff ended up all over the place… I had to wait 8 hours to board the plane in Dubai, after two security checks; only to have them turn the plane around on the runway due to brake issues… So we had to exit the plane, and go through another security check, because of course I must have picked up something hazardous while sitting the hour on the plane the first time… so when we finally take off, we are 3 hours behind, which the captain says we will probably catch up some on the way… However we arrive four and a half hours late, leaving me one hour to get off the plane, through customs, and across San Francisco airport recheck my luggage, and get through another security check; in order to catch my plane home… I can assure you I was tired and in tears most of the last part of this journey, I unfortunately took it out on many in the path of my destination… I made the plane five minutes before takeoff…
Later in the week I would find that I had inadvertently switched laptops with someone in the security check… I got a call explaining this, and we had to send them back to each other, hers has arrived and mine is somewhere in transit…
So now it is easy to see that with all that is occurring in my world over the last month that I might not take it well when someone I thought cared about me bailed quickly… It’s funny I think I have said at least a hundred times, but this was different… Truthfully each has been, and this case was too… Though you would really think I would be used to this other shoe drop effect, it still shocks me every time…
There are a couple things I need to say and then I will let this rest… I know I was not wrong about what was there; I know it was not my imagination… I have been told again that I simply frighten them away; though I thought or maybe I just hoped this one was a bit stronger… You have no idea how it feels to know that someone is willing to toss you to the winds, not because you totally suck, but because you don’t… I watched this play out in high school over and over again… The bitch always got the guy… I really liked this guy, he was smart, sweet and funny, and we quickly made friends… He was however dating this total whatsit!!! She would get mad when he didn’t have the money to take her out, or buy her things… She of course was seeing lots of other guys behind his back… Eventually he caught wind and they broke up… I got my chance to date him, for a couple weeks before he dumped me to go back to her… He married her a few years later… lol… It is what it is, I suppose…
The part that really sucks about this is I do not get a choice in all of this, I have to stand back and honor the choice this person has made; despite that it impacts me… The really great part of all of this is that I do not get any choice in all of this; I just get to stand back and honor the choice this person has made… And despite my feeling hurt, I am truly grateful that when I needed someone, he was there…
What I know is I would have truly loved the chance to explore this, and yet I cannot be with anyone that doesn’t choose me in return… Been there done that, got the t-shirt and the bumper sticker…
Someday someone will come along and make that choice, and I will wait for the other shoe to fall, and it will never hit the ground…
How does it get even better than that???