They say the eyes are the window to the soul… I have always held this to be very true… I truly feel often all you would have to do is to look into my eyes, and you could see my whole world, everything I hold dear within… It feels as though I am naked when people do that, and not the naked without clothes; naked without any protection from anything someone could or would do to me… I know that if I do not want you to know my true feelings I have a very difficult time keeping eye contact with you… I suspect it often looks as though I am lying when I do that… When in fact I just don’t want to share the depth of me in that moment…
Case and point, I got taken into what felt like an interrogation the other day over something I said… I sat there wiggling, trying not to lose focus, trying to stay direct and answer the questions… I am sure it looked bad, because I was fidgeting and unable to keep eye contact, of course it had to look as though I am lying… When I simply don’t want to show anymore of the background stuff going on in me… I am aware it is not shared anymore and it is inappropriate in this circumstance… And yet I always feel as though it is laid out on the table for anyone to sift through, should they choose to…
I know I have said a few times over the last year, how very shocked I have been to find that so many people find me so… Ambivalent??? No more like they find me Apathetic, yes that is the word I was looking for… When I think I feel too much, there are so many times when I am somewhere and my heart is breaking from the injustice, or cruelty shown to others… It has taken me years to get to where I am not in tears every day; for you and those around you… I watch horrible things happen and I watch just such obvious injustices be overlooked…
You want know what I see when I am in a foreign country like India, I see babies in the road selling coloring books for money to eat, and I know in their energy if they don’t bring back enough money they are hurt… How does anyone not see this??? And as my eyes tear, and my heart breaks, and my thoughts go to if I take them home I can fix it… I have to remember they chose this, they chose this life, they chose this family, and they did so knowing they would bring from this life what they require for their own personal reasons and expansion… I can spend the rest of my life in a total depression, trying to make life better for them, only to come to the end and see that they made this choice and they are still choosing it; and it is not my place to fix what is not broken for you or them… I cannot change them, and I cannot change their choice… I can only stay positive, send them my love and my light and surround them in it when I think of it, and pray that they bring from this life all that they came here for…
And then I can tell you about the everyday moments of trying to do the right thing and not being able to do it well enough to either show someone it matters to you that they are there, even when they make the choice not to be for you… Or well enough to make others see the value in someone, so that that person can continue with this mundane place from day to day… It isn’t for me to choose for you… You make your own choices and there is nothing I can do when you choose to be persecuted in an everyday way, and there is nothing I can do when you choose not to be loved, or not to be friended, or not to be treated kindly… All I can do is continue to treat you with kindness, show you my friendship, love you as I do, and pray that someday, whether that day is while you share this planet with me or when you return to the oneness that you find a willingness to receive what I gift you… If you don’t choose it now, or later I will still gift it… As you are the choices you make, I am the choices I make… I choose LOVE; that is just how I roll… HDIGBTT???