What I really want to do right now is scream… Scream loud and long and then go into the fucking tirade I deserve… Telling you how very angry it makes me all the hypocrisies that happen in everyday business… However since it is about the mundane life I lead in the everyday I will instead tell you what I do when I cannot just scream at the top of my lungs; after all we are not in the UK where you can scream like you are being murdered and no one even notices… I know this for a fact, I could hear my neighbors talking in their house next door while I was in my kitchen with the doors closed, and there was a space of about 15 feet between our homes… There were three separate occasions that I literally screamed at the top of my lungs over and over for 15 minutes, and they never even peeked out the curtains…
If you had told me even one year ago I would be back here again in the workforce, doing this type of a position, I doubt I would have truly believed you… Despite the knowing that my world was going to have some serious changes come about… I really truly did not see myself doing this type of work again, and maybe I am here simply to see the value in my writing again… I love writing and it seems I have much to write about lately… Considering I have two or three of these entries sitting midway on my computer at any given time… Not to mention those still rolling about inside my head every morning while in the shower… Some are hysterically funny and some are simply venting…
Like anyone I go to sleep thinking about stuff and I wake up thinking about stuff… Sometimes I am woken in the middle of the night in the midst of a conversation with someone else… It is a bit weird to be in my house at 3:30 am I will get up and start talking out loud with the person without skipping a beat, they have no idea that I can hear them, and even less that I can see the images they send… It is usually clear who it is, however it is not always an embodied being, nor is it always clear what part is for me…
There are so many of these weird moments in my life, I have no idea what they all mean… Though I can assure I am always looking for the meaning… There are times people are walking by and they say something they intend for me, and this comment sticks with me until I finally am able to put the energy with some outcome… For example a while ago someone discovered this writing and told another person about it, who walks by me saying as if to no one that “some people just share too much”… I knew what the reference was to, because it came with a picture… Comments like this often do come with pictures… Though I rarely pay much attention to them, however this was kind of a stingy comment so it has stuck a bit…
It is comments like these that make me stop and wonder if I should censor what I write??? Should I write for you, or should I write for me??? This is the real question… So I spend a few days, weeks, months sometimes thinking my blogs out quite carefully as to not offend, and then I come back to “fuck it” this is my blog, I write this blog for me, it’s just that simple… I will write what I like… I pay for this site, I maintain this site, I post to it and I can say whatever the fuck I want, and if you do not like it you can read something else…
I am not concerned if you do not like it, I am not concerned if you find yourself referenced in it, though I go to great lengths to avoid saying names, or giving any for sure references to most mentioned in here; it is also not unlikely I will use something you have said to me alone in a way that will allow you to know it is you I am referencing… I am not concerned if you think it is far too open, or honest, trashy or dramatic… It can be all these things and then it can be quite wise and wonderful… These are many of the sides of me though still nowhere close to all of them… Imagine if I tell you all this, and yet knowing I tell truth, I also say I keep quite a lot to myself as well… I have great friends, close friends, wonderful people I share much with, and yet there is so much I do not say, that I do not share, that I have not found that person I could say anything to, nor the freedom to say all that I be here… Can you imagine what it could be that I hold back??? Probably not…
Anyway, I am done rambling on for now…
This is my second favorite way to scream, I get in my car and you could hear any or all of these lines belted out from within, while I am on the road or from my kitchen… I picked out some of my favorite lines from some my favorite songs at the moment…
“Cause I may be bad, But I’m perfectly good at it, Sex in the air, I don’t care, I love the smell of it…” Rhianna
“If I lay here, If I just lay here, Would you lie with me and just forget the world?” Snow Patrol
“I’ve always wanted for you what you’ve wanted for yourself, and yet I wanted to save us high water or hell, and I kept on ignoring the ambivalence you felt, and in the meantime I lost myself, in the meantime I lost myself, I’m sorry I lost myself- I am” Alanis Morissette
“Not everybody knows how to work my body, Knows how to make me want it, Boy, you stay up on it, You got that something that keeps me so off balance, Baby, you’re a challenge, let’s explore your talent…” Rhianna
“You can be amazing, you can turn a phrase into a weapon or a drug, you can be the outcast, or be the backlash of somebody’s lack of love, or you can start speaking up” Sara Barielles
“How can you say you’re close to God, and yet you talk behind my back as though I’m not a part of you, why do I say “I’m fine” When it’s obvious I’m not, why’s it so hard to tell you what I want, why can’t you just read my mind?”
“Can I be with a lover with whom I am a student, And a master, oh why am I encouraged to shut my mouth When it gets too close to home, why cannot I Live in the moment” Alanis Morissette
“I’m friends with the monster that’s under my bed, Get along with the voices inside of my head, You’re trying to save me, stop holding your breath, And you think I’m crazy, yeah, you think I’m crazy” Rhianna
“So you wanna play with magic, Boy, you should know what you’re falling for, Baby do you dare to do this? Cause I’m coming at you like a dark horse, Are you ready for, ready for A perfect storm, perfect storm, Cause once you’re mine, once you’re mine… There’s no going back “ Katy Perry
“I’m not loose, I like to party, Let’s get lost in your Ferrari, Not psychotic or dramatic, I like boys and that is that, Love it when you call me legs, In the morning buy me eggs, Watch your heart when we’re together, Boys like you love me forever…” Lady Gaga
Off to makes some noise and maybe even calm down…