Very beautiful, though you really do not know their true depth, until they have been uncapped… They are extremely powerful, with the ability to recreate a world through destruction… Even when they do not fully engage, the after effects are devastating and can be seen for decades… We had an occurrence of this nature when I was a teen… I remember ash covering everything, breathing the air caused the roof of my mouth to bleed from thousands of little cuts… It took 57 lives, and changed not only the view but the plant life living in those areas to this day… Oh the wonder of destruction…
There is courage in being a volatile igneous rock formation… I want very much to say some very horrible things; even knowing there is the possibility of destroying what I had hoped to build… Leaving a path of destruction is far from my desire… I know many people think I am so sweet and don’t think like this at all… Oh, trust me I do; I simply try not to let those thoughts fall out of my mouth… Not that I mean any of it truly, like anyone I have moments of just wanting to lash out irrationally, to hurt or harm just because I have been hurt or harmed… The truth is I am just so tired of the duality of people… Somehow the duality of nature is much easier to take…
All that being said; I would like to say it is none of your fucking business how I feel, what is going on with me, or how many hours I put into something, I really get nothing from… Well I do get something that distracts me from what seems to have no other name for it than; loneliness… I am distracted from having to go home and cook for one; not to mention that I take pride in what I do simply because I do it… It does need to be said that though I recognize that I feel lonely a lot, it does not in any way mean I will settle for just anyone wandering into my life… He has to have a true heart, and be willing to share himself with me… There is also lot to be said for privacy, and as much as I seem to be an out there all over the place person, I value mine, and protect it with fierceness; so trust me I get it…
No!!! This is not what I would like my life to look like… I have been working on recreating my foundation so that when I build my world on it this time, it doesn’t crumble to the ground… I have been very successful in this, and though it may not be complete as of yet, all the concrete has been poured… I no longer trigger to old habits, when someone hurts me, I now go do something nice for me… If given my choice, I would much rather be excited to talk with you, to see you, and spend time with you, fall into your smile… That however blew up all over the place…
So if you are simply asking how I am because it is something to say; I am fine, thank you for asking… If you are asking because you genuinely give a shit about me; well I am a bit of a mess at the moment, it will sort, it always sorts, and I truly appreciate your concern… If you are asking because you would like to give me the feeling that I have finally found someone who truly cares what is up in my world, someone who has met me and likes me for who I am, someone who cares about me, and can’t resist being close; only to turn around in a few weeks or months to show me you are not willing to put yourself in it at all; Please in the nicest possible way FUCK OFF!!! The number you have dialed has been changed; the new number is unpublished… Please hang up and try your call again…
I am willing to put my heart on the line only if it will be honored with yours in return… I am not willing to have my feelings run through the mill again…
I am at a place of accepting this is my world; and I do not have the strength in this moment to repair it all again… I would also like to say for the record I know what is happening whether I outright say so or not… I can see you, I hear what you say, I see your thoughts, and I know your heart, you are not hiding from me… You can choose to be with me or not … If you don’t like your choice, make another…
Please excuse me now; I have some ash to clean up…
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0co33GX9z9E
“All my life
I’ve tried
To make everybody happy while I
Just hurt
And hide
Waitin’ for someone to tell me it’s my turn
To decide.”