Dreams And Delusions

There are things happening to me every day, which simply blow me away… Not only in their simplicity, also in their nature… Today I am sitting in my Faerie room, a beautiful room that has such an airy feel, and you truly feel like you have stepped into another realm… From this room you look out over the back deck, from the window all you see is this gorgeous silk tree in the back yard, until summer each year the tree appears as if it has died… Today it is in full bloom, it covers the back deck like an umbrella, it has a lovely almost tropical look to it, with fan like green leaves and poofy pink flowers… How amazing is that???

How much gratitude for all of life can I have??? How does it get even better than this???

A tidbit about me; my very first concert was the Go Go’s, and I loved this song http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1u2G6OyZyCI … If you close your eyes you easily imagine the teenage me yelling, screaming, dancing and singing along to this and the other songs playing from the stage of the Paramount Theatre, in Downtown Portland Oregon; now called The Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall… I thought I was so grown up going to a concert with my friends… *giggle*

Saturday we take flight, landing briefly in Chicago for a bit of sleep as we are, hurried to our destination for a week of camping and enjoying a world we rarely have the privilege of spending time in… All the details have been settled and it is all down to packing… We will be far from a town in which we can grab those things you often forget when traveling, so it is important to make a list to remember them, or know you will have to go without… We are told there is cell reception, though it isn’t very likely… There are some electrical outlets, though they will be busy, many will require the few… So there is a possibility you may hear from me, though I wouldn’t count on it… We will be gone a bit over a week, playing with the faeries, and all the lovers of Mother Nature… Big beautiful bonfires, with the distant beating of the drum… Freedom from a world where rules are the conduct of the masses… Into a land where normality is considered mundane, let your freak flag fly…

How does it get even better than this??? Oh right you could be going with me, ahhh, alas you are not willing to stray outside the box you have imprisoned yourself in… Maybe next time??? Maybe not??? What are the infinite possibilities??? How much fun can we have???

This is a statement I love… It is really very self-explanatory, don’t you think??? It is from A/C, and I think it is so right on…

What would you choose; if this was your choice??? You know all those things that you think are so not ok… Those things that everyone has said you are not allowed to do or be… Those things that if you could do just one of them, would set you free… Those fantasies that are so far out, you have never shared them… Those places because someone told you that it is not what a lady/gentleman does, you have never allowed yourself to go there…

If you could have just what you wanted, would you choose it???

For example; I had a gentleman ask me once if I would be one of the women he dated *slept with*during his week, he explained very openly that he had many *I believe the number was 11, though maybe it was 7* women that he would visit and spend time with… He would make no promises other than; he would definitely stop by frequently, as well as with the others… He did of course inform me it would definitely be worth my while… lol… You have to admit it takes a bit of courage to pull off a conversation like this with an air of confidence… He did absolutely have the confidence for it, and I am here to tell you I have no doubt that he did indeed have the harem he was speaking of… I am not sure if it matters or not that he was from Turkey, and he was the eldest son, and from his conversation this type of relationship was not uncommon *I can neither confirm nor deny that*… Despite having just been stood up by a truly unkind person, and that I was very much in a, nobody loves me kind of mood; I did decline his kind *choke*request… lol…

Though this is neither the most outrageous, nor the only request of this type I have received… I have received numerous offers, for all kinds of things over the last 30ish years… Some I have accepted and some I have picked my chin up off the ground and simply shook my head while walking away…

Today I can absolutely see the value in the statement above… There are many things that I think of that would be considered outrageous, and many that are very much like anyone else’s… I am a typical being in that I have fantasies, wishes, dreams, etc… That I would like to see play out in my reality… I have those places that I have not allowed myself to go, simply because someone else deems it un-lady like…

Would you be willing to ask someone for something you desired from them??? Would you be willing to say those things that you are not supposed to say out loud, to someone if you thought there was even a chance you could have what you desire??? Would you be willing to go commando and just do it??? It could be totally wild, are you willing???

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OULlWNCqDQ

Do you have this feeling in your life??? The feeling as if anything good that happens there must be a counterpart; such as the other shoe??? Are you living your life, by waiting??? Waiting for something to happen??? Waiting for a call??? Waiting for the love of your life to show up??? Waiting for permission to be who you are??? Waiting to see if you are a complete inconvenience to everyone around you??? Do you ask vague questions to see if you are an inconvenience, before you reveal what you require??? Only to have them assume what you want is something totally different… Are you waiting to see how mad, angry, enraged someone will get when all you would like is to accomplish something simple??? Does this then fulfill your desire to be proved right that you are a complete piece of shit not even worthy to share the breath of those around you???

How long are you going to continue to be unworthy of your own existence???

When I was a small girl, I would have horrible nightmares, there were two that would come time and time again… I still remember them in vivid detail, I would be petrified in my bed until I would finally get the courage to go to my mother’s room, only to have her either not hear me at all *then I would sleep outside her door*, or open the door and be angry that I woke her… My mother is a very powerful being; her anger would shatter my world… It still does, I find myself bracing my body to this day for the attack… *you should know that we are so much closer now, and that I love her deeply, and rarely do we exchange like that now*… However it is an effect that lives on in my relationships, bracing for the attack… Waiting for the shoe… If I am asked out, I have to distract myself with everything I can to keep from going to the other shoe… Will he show up, will he change his mind, was it just a joke, why would he choose me??? I draw people to me time and time again that show me how unworthy I think I am… Even when it is simply getting somewhere close by, I have a knack of having people completely come unglued at me…  Recently someone spilled their drink, and then went into a rage over it; as this happened I watched as if from outside my body, the little girl brace herself for the anger, and search for a way to fix it… My whole body tensed, as if I was about to be beaten…

I have noticed over the last few years how rarely I allow my body to relax, I could not begin to tell you how many times I have said in a low voice it is ok, relax, no harm will come to you, you are safe…

I look for ways to keep you happy, so that you do not blow up around me… I try to make sure you have eaten, so your blood sugar does not trigger your anger… Only to have that one moment in which I am not aware, and BAMMM!!! I watch as my body resorts back to old habits, I think that I have finally overcome… Granted I can see now, for the most part where this does not belong to me and that ultimately there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop or fix it in any way for you… I can only do it for me… It really is very clear why I look like I do, not a wrongness, simply an awareness that I have been bracing myself for you, and your anger, your jealousy, your rage my whole life, and at some point you have to make some padding to keep others away… So I have, and I am done with that, and I am done with your anger, with taking it in and pretending that I created it for you… I am done with your deciding I am not pretty enough, or that I am too pretty, or that I am in any way a burden to you or anyone else… I am a beautiful, kind, sweet, joyful, sexy, loving being; and I have every right given to me by God, The Divine, Spirit, The Mother, and every other energy you use to refer to the Universe, to not only to exist by being here, but to breath your air, and to love and be loved completely… I dearly hope someday you will choose the same…

What would you do to have what you desire??? What would you do to make sure you couldn’t have what you desire??? Which proves how truly powerful you are??? Which brings you the outcome you truly desire???

I had a conversation with someone recently about my beliefs; I told him that I believed that we created our own realities *something along those lines anyway*… He asked me if I thought we really had that much power??? I laughed and said “oh I know we have way more than that”… I think at that moment he might have been skeptical, though I am thinking he is beginning to see things my way now…

Have you ever been addicted to someone, or more to the point their energy??? Someone you could not stop thinking about??? You just have to see them, hear them, and speak to them??? Have you ever done things to see, hear, speak to this person you would never have done before??? Completely act irrational, crazy, stalker-esk??? Completely strung out in need of their energy??? Would you tell someone you needed this badly, that you do not want them??? If so why??? Are you trying to prove your potency, by overcoming the obsession??? Are you so insecure that you truly believe no one could want you, and thereby you push those, you know will prove you wrong away??? Are you afraid because you do not like or even love yourself; that no one else could either, and you might be proven right??? Or maybe you simply enjoy *what did you call it again???* Oh right, that you inspire me??? Would you enjoy being the inspiration, just so you know that you have not been forgotten???

I have, I know exactly what all that feels like… How certain people can make you absolutely insane, simply by not being near… About 11 years ago, I dated a man that was WOW!!! Seriously gorgeous, though I assure you it had nothing to do with his looks… I met him online; when he sent me his picture I thought it was a joke… I even asked him if it was a joke, if he had cut the picture from a magazine ad??? Was he a model??? To all of this he said no… He wasn’t lying; I met him within a couple days… We hit it off really well, we talked for hours, and we dated for a couple weeks… He was just so *here is where you would think I was going to say pretty, gorgeous, beautiful, hunky* open, so willing to let me be who I am… He did not care about weight or any of my personality/body quirks… He liked me and if I had grown three noses it did not matter… Here is the kicker, he was busy, he was free, he wanted to see me, and he was not willing to give up his life or dreams to do it… I ended up being this total basket case, doing things I would never have even thought to do to get him to pay attention to me… I mean crazy things; I made different personas to catch him up, all this way out of line, out of control stuff… What was I thinking??? No idea, I just wanted him to be with me, the funny thing is he wanted that too, though I did everything I could to ruin it… Eventually all this crazy came out, and he says to me what do you want??? Really what do you want??? I remember thinking to myself, I have no idea… What do I want??? So I sat down with a pad of paper, and I wrote out exactly what I believed I wanted… Turns out despite that I said I didn’t want relationship, I did… Once I had this all written out, I left the rest to the universe… About two months later, I would meet the man I would spend the next ten years with… In case you are wondering about the man who made me crazy *or I chose crazy with*, we are still friends and he is truly someone I can say things to, that I have never been able to say out loud to anyone else… He is a person, who does not judge the crazy stuff that comes out of my mouth, nor does he question why I said it, in fact he generally encourages it all… It is fabulous to have a friend like that… I have told him many times that he changed my life, he still does not see it; maybe someday he will…

Anyway, I spent all this time trying to drive him away, when really all I had to do was tell him I wanted him to stay… Is it at all possible that you are asking for the same??? Maybe you just really need a friend??? Maybe if you stop looking at all the ways you think it should look, and it doesn’t??? Maybe if you admit that it simply is what it is, you can do the kindest thing for yourself and make friends with that person that seems to be making you absolutely nuts??? Maybe that being is the key to the freedom that you dearly want??? Maybe that being is supposed to be in your life??? Maybe that person likes and loves you, simply because you exist, and isn’t asking you for anything else???  Stranger things have happened *to me even*…

How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine??? What are the infinite possibilities???

I had the best date ever last night!!! Seriously it was so wonderful… I have had some very lovely dates recently, though honestly this one was better… Even though it did not end in kissing *that is my favorite way to end a date*…

I had originally had a date scheduled for last night with someone, however it was broken earlier in the week… So yesterday after writing and completing several projects I have needed to get done, I decided I did not want to stay in last night… I have the car I would like to go out… I got showered and ready, and went through all the things I could do; movies, comedy club, dinner, etc… When I remembered a certificate for a massage that I had not used yet… So I called and they had an opening… Whoo hoo!!!

I have never had a professional massage… I would like to tell you that I have been on a mission as of late to do new things lately… What I mean is, to do those things that I used to say I would not do, especially if they had to do with body… I have done many brave things recently having to do with allowing my body to be seen… I know this is a powerful step in remembering how beautiful and sexy my body is, no matter what form it takes… There was a time in this life when I had no issue, no thought, no trigger at all with walking through my bedroom *alone or otherwise* completely undressed… That however has not been the case since my early twenties… I do it, though the instinct is to find something to cover up with… So lately I have been making myself open to allowance of body… No matter what another being sees, it is time for me to acknowledge I have every right to be here in this world, on this planet, in this body… I am beautiful inside and out, get used to it…

So I head out and have some dinner *yep by myself; this is not new I learned to do this quite a while ago*, and then go to my appointment… My massage person is a guy * I knew this at the booking*, his name is B, very attractive, maybe 30, very tall *I love tall, the taller the better, so sexy when they are really tall*… Now mind you this whole time I am asking questions in my head, and doing everything I can not to go red, or seem out of place, and I am feeling extremely awkward… This guy is so nice and he goes through all the things he is going to do, step by step, and he can totally tell I am working hard to stay business like, despite that my whole being is going OMG this person I have never met is going to touch me all over… I do a lot of energy work, so you would think this would be no big deal, right??? Wrong!!! I trade body work with new people often, *the key word here is trade* it is very different when you touch someone’s body and know they are going to do the same for you… It’s like a gift exchange, you feel ease with receiving a gift when you also brought them one… That is not the case here; I am the only one receiving this work, which is where it gets awkward for me… I am not as good at receiving as I would let you know… I had to, throughout the whole experience remind myself to stay open, relaxed, and that this was absolutely ok… He kept trying to carry on normal conversation with me, and I am chanting in head to expand and receive *giggle*…  I am so flutter headed in the end; I love that feeling of being expansive and relaxed… It is not all that great for driving, so I had to take my time… So worth it!!! Every date should start with a massage, then you would be totally relaxed…

Next stop the Bagdad for comedy night… What’s better than laughing after a massage, right??? I get there a bit early and have a great time chatting with the bartender, I love the people at Mcmenamins, I love them… They are always funny and flirty… There are street singers out on the sidewalk singing and playing guitar, they were not that bad, though there songs were rather depressing *giggle*, sung in Bob Dylan style… This just kept me laughing, people are walking by in there grunge looks, you see all the hand talk as they walk, and the girl in the corner is going off about how someone did this, and the bartender and servers are picking on each other, and having fun… I love that… I love Portland and all the crazy weird stuff they do, they make me look so normal, as if…  The show starts at 10:30, I am rarely out that late, I always say I am going to go, and then I don’t… Not last night, I was determined to be out late and have a great time… The best part; when you go out by yourself, you get to choose just what you like to do, no compromise, no argument, no disappointment… It is fun to go out with friends, though inevitably there is some part of the plan that changes, when you are on your own you make the choice…

While out I had messages, my friend landed safely in Israel *fun for him, sucks for me, he is gone for three weeks, Augh!!!*… My daughter called *love that girl*… I spoke with “friend” in London; he is flying here to take me dancing; Whoot!!! Someone else messaged for plans over the weekend… Here is another place that is easier on your own; you cannot be seen as ignoring your date when you are on your phone, when you are your date… I had a wonderful date with myself, and I remembered why I like to take myself out; next time dancing * I miss dancing*…

Have you ever asked yourself, why does this piece of me matter to someone else??? Why does a partner prefer me this way??? Why does my child want me to stay that way??? Why does this matter to my mother or that to my brother??? Why is it, that anything I do, say, or look like, make any difference whatsoever to any of them, to anyone at all???

For instance; my first husband consistently spoke of issues he had with my weight… Why did this make any difference to him??? I weighed less during our relationship, than when we met… Yet he made reference to how heavy I was frequently… He however was not fat but he would be considered thick, almost stocky… Today of course this makes me laugh, simply for the insanity of it… I was so thin *135 / a size 7*, I was so unhealthy; you could see my ribs… This was not the right weight for my frame, and it was impossible to maintain unless you spent two hours a day on a bike and ate nothing… Which is what I was doing to make it happen and yet this man still told me I was fat… This has been a theme in my life, someone deciding my weight was not appropriate… Interestingly enough I have even had women heavier than I had been at the time, tell me I was too heavy *laughing*… Really???

So then there is another man who believes me to be just perfect if I am heavy, the bigger the better… He tells me do not change, I love the way you look… I love everything about you stay just as you are… *laughing* yet this beautiful man is extremely chiseled and works out every day, he eats very healthy, he is what this reality considers a very handsome muscular guy… Please don’t get me wrong I have no complaints on how he looks, though looks are not what actually caught my attention to begin with… I really had not even noticed he was there, when he had asked me out *this is another story, for another day*…

Why does it matter to anyone else what I look like??? What I say??? Where I go??? How much money I make??? Where it comes from??? Or any other detail that is my life???

What do they get from trying to change me, or from keeping me the same??? It is an impossibility of this reality that I could stay the same *even if I wanted to*, I am ever changing, simply by being… So we go back to these beings beliefs, why is it that I cannot be thin, or fat, professional, or frumpy??? Why is it not ok that I simply am???

I went on a date a couple months ago, I assumed by the business of this person, it would be casual, and dressed as such… Oops, not even close turns out my date was very professionally dressed *though I should have known that simply by his cultural background, my bad*… Here is where it gets really interesting; this person approached me, despite his need for status, his desire for a trophy, his strict adherence to rules, diet, etc… He chose me??? Then says he does not find me attractive??? *laughing* really???

I am none of those things he chooses for his life… I have no desire to limit myself like that… I have a desire to get out and experience more life, more travel, more movement, and definitely more love and kissing etc… I do not have any desire to give up chocolate, or to regiment my life through restriction… That does not sound fun for me, though if you want to take me dancing, I will love you forever…

Do you see a trend in any of these stories here??? I only started to really see it yesterday, when this amazing friend of mine, was asking me questions about my background… This is so interesting… Seriously very interesting, and not at all what I had thought for years…

Jealousy is a dangerous game… So I am mentioning how I was put on diets before I was even fully formed *12/13*, while the body is still deciding how it will look… I was out daily riding horses, and walking, and doing what girls do at that age, and yet I was chunky, most would say baby fat… I was willing to be who I was, and seeking the approval of those closest to me… Just becoming a young woman, and discovering boys… There is a very desirable, very sexual energy about this age… You really are open to the world, and have very few places in which you are not willing to be the youthful, innocent, receptive energy you are… Even in abusive situations, children are willing to be who they are…

We love to watch children and enjoy their zest for life and discovery… Unfortunately this is not always interpreted as a good thing… Sometimes it is seen in a jealous light… Maybe a woman sees her partner admiring the energy of youth and decides she is not youthful enough??? What if this same beautiful thin independent woman has been told, she is too thin, too powerful, too old, her breast are too small, she is not sexy??? What if the woman herself desires to be fleshy, curvy, youthful, and innocent??? What if what this woman really wants is to be what this reality is not willing to accept in her???  Maybe she finds she is too thin, not tall enough, and not flexible, wrinkled, so many choices to make herself wrong… Then her man sees the young girl, and the woman interprets this is what he desires… She then decides she cannot change herself so she will change the child… Make the child more like her so that what she or her partner enjoys in the child is buried, no longer an issue…

Maybe a partner of the woman cannot stand that she could be everything they themselves would choose, and yet refuse to choose it… How about we change everything about her that we would like to be and then we do not have to see where we have chosen not to be who we are??? What if I am so very insecure within myself that I have to have someone I think no one else will want and take away from me??? So many places we go with jealousy, so many places we harm ourselves through insecurity…

What if you truly knew you are it, the one, the only, there are no others that could be you??? What if you could embrace so completely that every experience you have ever had is yours, and makes you, you??? What if you knew that you could never be replaced, that any being choosing to be with you does so because they are choosing you??? What if you never chose jealousy or insecurity again, what would your life look like??? How much fun could you have if you knew you were infinite??? What if like me you are part of the oneness of all, and you knew and lived it every day??? What if that is what you see when you look at me???

I realize the title sounds harmless…  It is not and here is another place where I warn you, that you proceed from this place at your own risk!!! There are truths here you may not want to have or even consider… You have been warned!!!

Today has been a very form oriented day… I have been inspired by you to write all this out… What is your form like??? Is it tall, short, fat, thin, fit, handsome, beautiful, fleshy, or any other term you would like to fill in the blank??? My form is fabulous!!! It is always talking and sharing…

When I was a teenager I used to walk everywhere… Now mind you, I was what this reality calls thin yet curvy, in total scrumptiousness… I have always been what you would call voluptuous… Now this girl I was, would walk down the street looking for you to notice her… I would shake it and receive many honks and hoots from those passing by… I would smile, wave and continue on my way… I have inspired many many sexual comments, and many men to show me theirs, whether I have asked or not… Right about now you are probably thinking what a hussy??? But wait I am not done… I had this pair of shorts, well almost shorts, that I tore slits up to the waistband and then tied together with pretty shoes strings, so you could see my underthings *gasp*… I would wear the tightest clothing I could put on, and I would flaunt my breasts in deep cut tops *if you could call them that*… What a ho right??? I once had a whole room full of guys *about 12* flash me, and many had wanted more than that… You can stop reading anytime you like; I am not done writing though… In fact I have more to say, and with each of your gasps, shock, or judgments, I am making money… Now I know you are really judging me… I am sitting here getting more and more and more excited at knowing that I am inspiring your judgments, and as they come through I am saying in my head Chi Ching!!!

You judge me every day, I walk outside in my pajamas, Chi Ching… I wear a polka dotted bra you can see through my top, Chi Ching… Is my butt cheek hanging out??? Chi Ching… I did not dress up, I did not dress down, Chi Ching… I am fat, I am thin, I am too top heavy,  Chi Ching… I eat too much, I do not eat enough, Chi Ching… I am laughing, Chi Ching… My hair is dyed, my nails are not polished, Chi Ching… I am clever, I am an idiot, Chi Ching… I don’t have enough money, I have too much money, Chi Ching… My house is too big, my apartment is too small, Chi Ching… It matters not what my form looks like, or what I do, you will judge me anyway, and more than that I welcome your judgments, I even encourage them… That is why I am here to shake up your world… To wake your ass up sleepyhead… You have no idea why you are still reading; maybe you simply want to know what crazy thing I will say next??? Maybe you know I am right??? Maybe you are right, and I truly am the judge able offense you see me as???

You called me here, you asked for change and I am here… You say to me that you have inspired me, though the truth is I am your muse, your inspiration… The inspiration to do those things you have never been willing to do before, never given yourself permission… I am here to blow up your reality, to show you that there truly is something more… With my every movement, my every choice, I show you that you can have what you truly desire… I am the light you follow… Not because I am your God, because I am God, as are you… I am willing to embrace your joy, your love, and your judgments and continue to choose my own inspiration… I am willing to have all that I am, and let your world turn topsey turvy simply through a brush on the street, a glance on the bus, or an inappropriate moment of laughter at what you do not find funny… So do it, judge me, I can take it and I can make money from it… Chi Ching…

Words Words Words; What words do you choose??? Do you use them as a shield??? What do you mean to say when you use your words??? I love that term; use your words…

I talk with people all the time, most of the time, often, sporadically, randomly, now and again, once in a while, here and there… Which is true??? Obviously it cannot be all the time; there are moments in which I am silent as well as my mind is silent… It stands to reason, that it is unlikely; most of the time as well… Though I would say the other statements are true…

During these conversations, I hear and see the misuse of words often; even by highly educated people… There are several tv shows that use the misuse of words for comedic purposes… My favorite is when you are reading someone’s dating profile and they distinctly say that they require you to know how to spell and use words… Of course within the paragraph they have misspelled, misused, or mixed up which form of the word they were choosing… I would like you to know that despite my use of the soap box rant I am choosing, I too am guilty of these charges… I have several things I continuously do with misspelling, mixing up words or improperly using them… Anyway, I have had the pleasure of having a few words, as well as statements thrown at me over the last couple of years…

For instance; I had a man tell me what a great person he is, that he is wonderful, and how much fun he is, and how he loves to spoil his girl… He then asked to meet me, and for the next two hours sent me texts on how I had lied to him about myself, about my looks, and that I was too horrible to date… *yep that was wonderful and fun; so by spoiling you mean you will spoil her day???* I have had a man ask me out twice, and spend most of the second date kissing me in public; only to stop in the middle of one and tell me I was moving too fast… *raised eyebrow* Mind you this man was quite tall and in order for me to have been the instigator in this activity I would have needed a ladder, another words no one forced him to kiss me… I have had a man who reviewed my profile, sent me emails, asked me out, showed up for this date, then continued to contact me *calling and texting* for a couple weeks, break it off, start contacting me again, this continued several more times… He then tells me he is not attracted to me… *laughing* isn’t that the very meaning of attraction??? I think what he is trying and failing to say is that he does not like that he is attracted to me, what do you think???

at·trac·tion  (-trkshn)

n.

1. The act or capability of attracting.

2. The quality of attracting; charm.

3.

a. A feature or characteristic that attracts.

b. A person, place, thing, or event that is intended to attract: The main attraction was a Charlie Chaplin film.

4.

a. The electric or magnetic force exerted by oppositely charged particles, tending to draw or hold the particles together.

b. The gravitational force exerted by one body on another.

Here are a few more words for your review:

al·low·ance  (-louns)

n.

1. The act of allowing.

2. An amount that is allowed or granted: consumed my weekly allowance of two eggs.

3. Something, such as money, given at regular intervals or for a specific purpose: a travel allowance that covers hotel bills.

4. A price reduction, especially one granted in exchange for used merchandise: The dealer gave us an allowance on our old car.

5. A consideration for possibilities or modifying circumstances: an allowance for breakage; made allowances for rush-hour traffic in estimating travel time.

6. An allowed difference in dimension of closely mating machine parts.

tr.v. al·low·anced, al·low·anc·ing, al·low·anc·es

1. To put on a fixed allowance: cut expenses by strictly allowancing the sales representatives.

2. To dispense in fixed quantities; ration.

mag·net·ic  (mg-ntk)

adj.

1.

a. Of or relating to magnetism or magnets.

b. Having the properties of a magnet.

c. Capable of being magnetized or attracted by a magnet.

d. Operating by means of magnetism: a magnetic recorder.

2. Relating to the magnetic poles of the earth: a magnetic compass bearing.

3. Having an unusual power or ability to attract: a magnetic personality.

ac·cep·tance  (k-sptns)

n.

1. The act or process of accepting.

2. The state of being accepted or acceptable.

3. Favorable reception; approval.

4. Belief in something; agreement.

5. Abbr. acpt.

a. A formal indication by a debtor of willingness to pay a time draft or bill of exchange.

b. A written instrument so accepted.

6. Law Compliance by one party with the terms and conditions of another’s offer so that a contract becomes legally binding between them.

clairvoyant [klɛəˈvɔɪənt]

adj

1. (Psychology) of, possessing, or relating to clairvoyance

2. having great insight or second sight

n

a person claiming to have the power to foretell future events

clairvoyantly  adv

clair·au·di·ence  (klâr-ôd-ns)

n.

The supposed power to hear things outside the range of normal perception.

Do you have any idea how truly lucky I am??? How completely gifted I am??? Really??? I am very lucky and truly gifted… Despite my whining… Despite those that do not recognize what is sitting right in front of them… Despite many many trials throughout this life, I have indeed time and time again been blessed…

I come here to write out my hurts and worries and my very own Drama Llama stuff… Countered as well with my joys and gratitude…

Each time I sit here I create some universal text message of which many of the beings that adorn my life answer in some form… Today the day after a post about someone who continues to create unkind situations in my life, that act as a flame for my inner moth… I have been greeted by many wonders and joys…

Things such as; my son would like to go to the movies with me… My daughter’s birthday is this weekend and we are making plans… My daughter and I are planning a girlie holiday; we leave in just over a week for a week to attend a festival… So we spoke at length about our plans, and excitement… My friend called to ask how my day is going, and she really is interested to know, we made plans for tomorrow… Another friend called to say we have plan changes for this weekend, do I think it will work out ok *yes I do*… I got a good morning from another daughter… I was hugged twice *each* by the beautiful girls that have stayed two nights here with me from Liechtenstein *amazing joyful ladies*, before they adventure towards the beach… I have spoken to the coordinators of the festival and they are joyfully assisting me in our easy arrival next week… I spoke to three friends on Facebook that I have missed since leaving Darlington, all of which want to know when I will be back and they cannot wait to catch up… I sorted out a miscommunication between me and another lovely person in the UK; this looks very promising… I have been told I am attractive, beautiful, sexy, and loved, I have been told how grateful they are, and even how I have calmed their worries… Now really I ask you, how does it get even better than that??? It is only 3:00pm in the afternoon, and I have many more moments of this gorgeous day…. What else is possible???

*In process of finishing this post, I have received another call from another friend… We spoke for almost 45 minutes about this post, and she laughed and said that makes me smile… How does it get even better???*

At what point do I finally look at the big picture and truly see that if one being does not see my value, simply because of my form, there are at least ten others that do??? How amazing am I??? How amazing are you??? What are the miraculous things that we can create together simply by being who we are???