Have you ever asked yourself, why does this piece of me matter to someone else??? Why does a partner prefer me this way??? Why does my child want me to stay that way??? Why does this matter to my mother or that to my brother??? Why is it, that anything I do, say, or look like, make any difference whatsoever to any of them, to anyone at all???
For instance; my first husband consistently spoke of issues he had with my weight… Why did this make any difference to him??? I weighed less during our relationship, than when we met… Yet he made reference to how heavy I was frequently… He however was not fat but he would be considered thick, almost stocky… Today of course this makes me laugh, simply for the insanity of it… I was so thin *135 / a size 7*, I was so unhealthy; you could see my ribs… This was not the right weight for my frame, and it was impossible to maintain unless you spent two hours a day on a bike and ate nothing… Which is what I was doing to make it happen and yet this man still told me I was fat… This has been a theme in my life, someone deciding my weight was not appropriate… Interestingly enough I have even had women heavier than I had been at the time, tell me I was too heavy *laughing*… Really???
So then there is another man who believes me to be just perfect if I am heavy, the bigger the better… He tells me do not change, I love the way you look… I love everything about you stay just as you are… *laughing* yet this beautiful man is extremely chiseled and works out every day, he eats very healthy, he is what this reality considers a very handsome muscular guy… Please don’t get me wrong I have no complaints on how he looks, though looks are not what actually caught my attention to begin with… I really had not even noticed he was there, when he had asked me out *this is another story, for another day*…
Why does it matter to anyone else what I look like??? What I say??? Where I go??? How much money I make??? Where it comes from??? Or any other detail that is my life???
What do they get from trying to change me, or from keeping me the same??? It is an impossibility of this reality that I could stay the same *even if I wanted to*, I am ever changing, simply by being… So we go back to these beings beliefs, why is it that I cannot be thin, or fat, professional, or frumpy??? Why is it not ok that I simply am???
I went on a date a couple months ago, I assumed by the business of this person, it would be casual, and dressed as such… Oops, not even close turns out my date was very professionally dressed *though I should have known that simply by his cultural background, my bad*… Here is where it gets really interesting; this person approached me, despite his need for status, his desire for a trophy, his strict adherence to rules, diet, etc… He chose me??? Then says he does not find me attractive??? *laughing* really???
I am none of those things he chooses for his life… I have no desire to limit myself like that… I have a desire to get out and experience more life, more travel, more movement, and definitely more love and kissing etc… I do not have any desire to give up chocolate, or to regiment my life through restriction… That does not sound fun for me, though if you want to take me dancing, I will love you forever…
Do you see a trend in any of these stories here??? I only started to really see it yesterday, when this amazing friend of mine, was asking me questions about my background… This is so interesting… Seriously very interesting, and not at all what I had thought for years…
Jealousy is a dangerous game… So I am mentioning how I was put on diets before I was even fully formed *12/13*, while the body is still deciding how it will look… I was out daily riding horses, and walking, and doing what girls do at that age, and yet I was chunky, most would say baby fat… I was willing to be who I was, and seeking the approval of those closest to me… Just becoming a young woman, and discovering boys… There is a very desirable, very sexual energy about this age… You really are open to the world, and have very few places in which you are not willing to be the youthful, innocent, receptive energy you are… Even in abusive situations, children are willing to be who they are…
We love to watch children and enjoy their zest for life and discovery… Unfortunately this is not always interpreted as a good thing… Sometimes it is seen in a jealous light… Maybe a woman sees her partner admiring the energy of youth and decides she is not youthful enough??? What if this same beautiful thin independent woman has been told, she is too thin, too powerful, too old, her breast are too small, she is not sexy??? What if the woman herself desires to be fleshy, curvy, youthful, and innocent??? What if what this woman really wants is to be what this reality is not willing to accept in her??? Maybe she finds she is too thin, not tall enough, and not flexible, wrinkled, so many choices to make herself wrong… Then her man sees the young girl, and the woman interprets this is what he desires… She then decides she cannot change herself so she will change the child… Make the child more like her so that what she or her partner enjoys in the child is buried, no longer an issue…
Maybe a partner of the woman cannot stand that she could be everything they themselves would choose, and yet refuse to choose it… How about we change everything about her that we would like to be and then we do not have to see where we have chosen not to be who we are??? What if I am so very insecure within myself that I have to have someone I think no one else will want and take away from me??? So many places we go with jealousy, so many places we harm ourselves through insecurity…
What if you truly knew you are it, the one, the only, there are no others that could be you??? What if you could embrace so completely that every experience you have ever had is yours, and makes you, you??? What if you knew that you could never be replaced, that any being choosing to be with you does so because they are choosing you??? What if you never chose jealousy or insecurity again, what would your life look like??? How much fun could you have if you knew you were infinite??? What if like me you are part of the oneness of all, and you knew and lived it every day??? What if that is what you see when you look at me???