Do you have this feeling in your life??? The feeling as if anything good that happens there must be a counterpart; such as the other shoe??? Are you living your life, by waiting??? Waiting for something to happen??? Waiting for a call??? Waiting for the love of your life to show up??? Waiting for permission to be who you are??? Waiting to see if you are a complete inconvenience to everyone around you??? Do you ask vague questions to see if you are an inconvenience, before you reveal what you require??? Only to have them assume what you want is something totally different… Are you waiting to see how mad, angry, enraged someone will get when all you would like is to accomplish something simple??? Does this then fulfill your desire to be proved right that you are a complete piece of shit not even worthy to share the breath of those around you???
How long are you going to continue to be unworthy of your own existence???
When I was a small girl, I would have horrible nightmares, there were two that would come time and time again… I still remember them in vivid detail, I would be petrified in my bed until I would finally get the courage to go to my mother’s room, only to have her either not hear me at all *then I would sleep outside her door*, or open the door and be angry that I woke her… My mother is a very powerful being; her anger would shatter my world… It still does, I find myself bracing my body to this day for the attack… *you should know that we are so much closer now, and that I love her deeply, and rarely do we exchange like that now*… However it is an effect that lives on in my relationships, bracing for the attack… Waiting for the shoe… If I am asked out, I have to distract myself with everything I can to keep from going to the other shoe… Will he show up, will he change his mind, was it just a joke, why would he choose me??? I draw people to me time and time again that show me how unworthy I think I am… Even when it is simply getting somewhere close by, I have a knack of having people completely come unglued at me… Recently someone spilled their drink, and then went into a rage over it; as this happened I watched as if from outside my body, the little girl brace herself for the anger, and search for a way to fix it… My whole body tensed, as if I was about to be beaten…
I have noticed over the last few years how rarely I allow my body to relax, I could not begin to tell you how many times I have said in a low voice it is ok, relax, no harm will come to you, you are safe…
I look for ways to keep you happy, so that you do not blow up around me… I try to make sure you have eaten, so your blood sugar does not trigger your anger… Only to have that one moment in which I am not aware, and BAMMM!!! I watch as my body resorts back to old habits, I think that I have finally overcome… Granted I can see now, for the most part where this does not belong to me and that ultimately there is absolutely nothing I can do to stop or fix it in any way for you… I can only do it for me… It really is very clear why I look like I do, not a wrongness, simply an awareness that I have been bracing myself for you, and your anger, your jealousy, your rage my whole life, and at some point you have to make some padding to keep others away… So I have, and I am done with that, and I am done with your anger, with taking it in and pretending that I created it for you… I am done with your deciding I am not pretty enough, or that I am too pretty, or that I am in any way a burden to you or anyone else… I am a beautiful, kind, sweet, joyful, sexy, loving being; and I have every right given to me by God, The Divine, Spirit, The Mother, and every other energy you use to refer to the Universe, to not only to exist by being here, but to breath your air, and to love and be loved completely… I dearly hope someday you will choose the same…