Dreams And Delusions

Sometimes it is absolutely necessary to call a spade a spade… Sometimes it is absolutely necessary to be confrontational… And sometimes when someone tells you it is their fault totally; they are absolutely correct!!!!

Rarely do I choose to call someone out, or to be confrontational, and truth you will almost never hear me say it is someone else’s fault… I come from a place of you create your own reality… I know that I brought this person into my world, and I know that I thought it was not a good idea the whole way, and yet the energy continues to be light… You know that I ask questions around the things I choose and that when I don’t; I end up blindsided, and again take full responsibility for my refusal to see what was right there all along… Though this time I know it is absolutely necessary to say to this person you are right, it is all your fault!!!

You have continued time and time again to pursue me… Each time you have chosen to not to show up in some form… You then say things, you now tell me you did not mean, in order to be welcomed back into my life… I rarely choose to send someone from my life; generally they choose it on their own… Anyway, you tell me you are not interested in me, that you are simply confused and lonely… Here is where it is necessary to say Bullshit!!!

I have been through this many times with you up until now, and I have asked the energetic questions, and I have asked and been granted quite a lot of guidance around it as well… All of which has clearly shown your personalities need for dramatic attention, how you gain information in order to use it as a manipulation tactic to get what you desire, as well as your desire to be relationship, and many other points that have all shown themselves to be completely accurate… So simply from this information it is clear that my guidance has been correct all along…

Last night I was told that I must trust myself; that I must trust that I know what I know… That even when it looks like something else, I truly know…  They are correct, and I do know… I have questioned myself over and over again, feeling stupid when I go to the ground for what I know to be true, despite that it looks like something totally different… So I am calling you out and standing here telling you with absolute conviction in my knowing you are lying to yourself, however you are not lying to me; I know the truth… So you keep telling yourself that you feel nothing and there is no connection, no attraction… I will go about being the being I am and knowing that you choose to lie insistently to yourself… I hope that works out for you, though I suspect from the many times I have chosen to lie to myself and they have more than blown up my world that you will find it is less than fun…

Now for one final rant on this subject before you are dismissed… You might want to consider that the truth is that you don’t like that you are indeed attracted to someone merely by who they are on the inside versus on the outside and that maybe you are not as shallow as you believe yourself to be??? Just a thought…

Final note; In an effort to clear away the Drama Llama’s of my life; I ask that you do indeed resist any further contact with me…

Do you find it strange, that such gorgeous stuff can grow from being covered in shit??? I am of course using this metaphorically… I have had the joy of becoming much more aware of what I have been putting out in the world recently…

I recently had the experience of being treated very poorly by someone I care about, which of course sent me into a spiral of; what did I do??? Why would I choose this??? Blah Blah Blah!!! You know all the ways you make yourself wrong for a choice someone else makes… As if you had any control over their choices at all… Anyway, it triggered me similarly as it usually does, though this time I watched it play out with awareness… I went and spewed my victim energy out into the world and it was received immediately… This played out in a way I would not have guessed…

Ultimately I was able to sit and watch the counter part of my victim, show up in the form of perpetrator, and join me for lunch… Very very weird… Truly I have done this type thing many times through the years, and not had any clue that the being I had brought forth was my creation, to show me what a victim I am… So just my willingness to see it now is beyond huge for me… Not to mention exciting… So I allowed myself to sit in this energy, and watch how this being tried to show me what a victim I am… He told me about how his life was completely stuck in the fear reality of this dimension, and how he believed opposites attract, so we should be together… *giggle* In my head I am thinking there is sometimes truth in the opposites attract statement, though in this particular case it is simply victim/perpetrator… Also it is important that I tell you it was while sitting in this energy, which I was able to see my victim and transform it back to the power that I truly am… I found ease in making up a story that would allow me to leave in a way that was non-confrontational; the universe saw fit to validate my story through texts that made it all credible… This is something I have had difficulty with in the past; being willing to lie, even when it is necessary for my own wellbeing… So to say I was excited is a bit of an understatement… *I know it sounds weird that I say I was excited… So I am qualifying with; I know that simply in seeing this now, allows this energy to transform making it very unlikely that the pattern will continue, and if it does I am willing to be aware of it…* I left this lunch feeling very empowered and through later communication with this being was shown how very correct my assessment of the energy was…

Not to worry all was not lost in this endeavor, once I acknowledged and honored my awareness, in both situations… I started asking questions around it, and to a friend… When *BAM* it hit me… I recognized what I would like to do, and I did it… I made contact with someone from a while ago and turns out he was very open to reconnecting…

How does it get even better than that??? What are the possibilities??? How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine???

Today I am picking a bitch… Once upon a time I created a dating profile, captioned High Maintenance… Not just because it got your attention, but also because I am well aware I require a lot of attention… Truly I am ok with that, and I make no apologies for it…  I honestly got the most responses from this profile, more than any other I have created… One man answered and informed me that there was no way I was high maintenance, but that he would be happy to assist in the maintenance process… *hahaha* Not so much…

You know the truly funny part??? I wrote this very long detailed description, and very few read it … I know this because I told all the stuff that tends to make them run… This way if it was a deal breaker, they could just get on with it and skip the whole get to know me thing… So then they were surprised when asking questions, with my answers… I would reply “all that was in my profile, “oh; I never read those”…  Seriously I could have said I am a complete bitch, who throws and breaks your things, and spends all your money, marries you, cheats on you, and asks for and gets alimony… They would have been all “when can we go out”??? What the fuck is that??? Why is that, the person guys want in their world??? Is it because then they do not have to feel bad when they do shitty things??? They tell me I am sweet, and act like jerks… Do you require a bitch??? If so let me assure you I can be way more bitch, I simply do not choose it… Frankly it is exhausting being that type of person… Its way more fun to enjoy the people you have in your life…

I would really like to have someone in my life that likes to laugh, play and have fun, why does it have to be all this serious drama crap??? I get that life happens, but really is all this necessary???

If you do not want to date me; don’t… If you do; then do it… Don’t ask what you do not want to know… Don’t make commitments you cannot keep… Don’t say what you do not mean… Don’t contact me if you do not enjoy my company… Don’t fuck with my heart; Seriously Don’t Fuck with my Heart…  I am not your toy, playmate maybe, Definitely not your toy… Why create all the trauma and drama??? So not fun…

What part of all this Trauma and Drama am I using to validate someone else’s reality???

How does it get better than this???

I know yesterday was rather cryptic, and I will not be clarifying, so there you are…

Here is what else I know; I am a very lucky woman… I have many, many things and beings to be grateful for… I have been blessed more than I can say, and yet I would like to tell you some of my blessings…

Recently; I have met many amazing people to add to the friends I have been making over the years… While in England I found a whole set of people that I cherish beyond what I can say… Since returning here in December, I have made many others… In just the last two months alone I have been honored by beings of such strength and magnificence it would make your head spin… As it does mine…

I have made several beyond this life friendships and connections… Which I know sounds like a weird thing to say, and yet it isn’t all that weird… I know I have known these beings before by the familiarity of their energetic connection… Three spring to mind, each in different ways, for different placements… You know like one is a lady friend, one is a guy friend *he is a writer and I am so excited that I have someone to talk story with*, and another not to be left out nor made least in any way is someone I am still hoping will stay *we shall see*…

I was invited to a breakfast the other day to pull together another friend’s upcoming wedding, and I had the honor of spending the morning with three lovely ladies *two old friends and one *hopefully*new friend… I was also honored by being invited to lunch by a whole group of amazing women, only to have them tell each other how phenomenal I am… Seriously what an honor to have these women choose me… A week ago I had a night out with three other friends *a night we try to pull together as often as we can*, and today I had lunch and a pedicure with another friend *so fun*, as we talked about making summer plans… None of this brings in my family and how amazing each of them is, and they truly are…

Really some days I whine and then others I am in total awe and gratitude, how lucky am I??? Today is that gratitude day… I am so blessed, and I hope beyond hope you are as blessed as I, and that you know it right down to your toes *mine are very pretty, and soft*…

PS everyone should get a pedicure, it’s just so yummy!!! 😀

I should be knighted, do they knight women??? I did one of those things you are never supposed to do today…

“Courage is not the absence of fear but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever but the cautious do not live at all.”

*Princess Diaries Quote*

I made a choice that I do not agree with all of those beings making the rules… I am not the follower, I am simply me… I make my rules, and even though I probably just fucked up my whole world again, it is my world and if I just stand here and pretend that this is all ok with me, then I am lying to me…

Don’t get me wrong I am beyond freaked out… My hands are shaking so bad that I can barely type this, I want to throw up, and the music is really loud so that I cannot hear the silence of your response… But I did it anyway… I know it was my choice, as I know you will make your own, and you are the only one who can make that choice…

So now I will sort the other stuff, take a shower, do the daily things, and fall apart when I have some me time, and no one is looking at me… Tomorrow I will start again a whole new day, a whole new choice, a whole new world, with any luck I won’t feel sick, and I know I made the effort for me, and there is no place for regret…

How does it get better than this??? How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine??? *still my favorite questions*

If you knew beyond any doubt that you could have just what you desire most, if you did something you have never been willing to do before, would you do it??? Would you seize the day??? Take the shot??? Win the game???

It’s funny we tell ourselves how morally sound we are in our beings; are we really??? I would never, I could never, why would I do that??? How many times have you made these statements??? Is any of it true??? If you believe in reincarnation, and that this is not your first lifetime… Then in the grand scheme of things *I have probably said this before*; if you consider the universe has been around trillions of years, and if we have been experiencing life over those trillions of years, then it stands to reason we have lived billions of lives correct??? And if we have lived billions, or maybe just millions, or even as few as hundreds of thousands… Then over the course of those lives we would have been and done everything at least once right??? So we would have been the rich guy, the beggar, the musician, the painter, the murderer, and so on… This again brings us to the realization that we are all things, good and bad… It also shows that we are each capable of anything, good or bad… Is all of this a justification to do something truly heinous, or a knowing that you could???

It comes back to the theory that if you are willing to be all things, then you will always be aware of what is right there with you… Are you willing to be all things??? What are you not willing to be??? Are you willing to harm, and if not will you know when harm is the intent of the being near you???

There is a true story *not mine, DR. Dain Heer’s*, I am repeating it to the best of my memory… Anyway he was teaching a class in which he was assisting a lady to be the energy of kill, he asked her several times if she was willing to be the energy of kill, she replied no each time… After working and clearing her through the day she was willing to be the energy of kill… She left the class and went to her car in the parking structure; where she was approached by a man who was clearly the energy of perpetrator, she chose the energy of kill, and he looked her in the face mumbling the whole time no not her, not her, as he turned and left… She later found that this man had been described having accosted several other women in that structure that evening…  What he was looking for was the energy of victim, and he had found it elsewhere… Her willingness to be that energy means that she will know when someone wants to harm her, and thereby is unlikely to ever have to harm… It is the thing that tells you not to go to work straight away, and there is a massive accident… It is the energy that tells you to walk a different route than you ever have before… Your awareness of all energies means you are prepared for all things…

Are you willing to be what someone else is willing to be in order to have what you desire??? Whether it is returning home tonight safely, or the job you have always coveted, the winning lottery ticket, or love for a lifetime???

What would you be willing to do, that you have never been willing to do before to have what you truly long for???

Is there something you refuse to let yourself have??? Is it because you don’t desire it, or because if you did have it you would never let it go???

For example; say you tell yourself you do not like sweets… You are fitness conscious, you know that your body prefers not to have these things, or is it that if you were to allow sweets into your world regularly, that you would crave them all the time and that would change your body in a way that no longer allowed you to control how it appears???

Sometimes I think it is what we won’t let ourselves have that is the true addiction, an addiction to control, to holding it all together… That person you refuse to bring into your life because he/she would be just for you… Making you selfish, changing your life, making you admit that you would choose for you, over what is right… What is right??? What is wrong??? What if the person you truly be; is the one that is out of control, living in the blissful ambiguity of life??? Not having to know what your family thinks, not having to make sure you choose relationships for your children, letting it be ok that no one else understands why you choose this person, even though they do not fit in the box, where you have always live in???

Having been one of the founding members’ of control freaks anonymous, I speak from experience when I say, it is not an easy task to get past the knowledge of what others think of your choices, and yet when I truly choose for myself; it is such an empowering feeling and so much more joyful experience than those I have chosen for what someone else would have me choose…

What would you choose today for you and no one else???

What don’t you want to look at today??? Have you noticed??? Is there something from the shadows, which may be a reoccurring theme in your life??? Of course I do, or we wouldn’t be having this conversation… Now is the time of things coming to light, those places within resting in the shadows will now be seen… How does that work??? I come from a place of needing to understand… For years people have been saying just let it go… In return I have been asking how do you just let it go??? How do you let go of all the inconsistencies??? The places where you are told one thing, and shown something completely different… Where does awareness leave off, and judgment begin… Is it a judgment that someone is lying to you, or awareness… Is it an allowance to let them lie to you, or a knowing that they are simply lying to themselves… I have watched so much come up for me lately, so many inconsistencies, lies, betrayals, truths I had not seen before… Are they mine or someone else’s??? I am told this is the time of lighting the shadows, and that it is coming up so we can all be free of it… I am more than ready to be free of it… I am tired, truly deeply tired of the crazy judgments, and tweaky feelings that come up every time someone I feel close to does something that I do not expect… I know I am connected, I know I am not separate from anyone, and yet all this crap comes up… Lifetimes of betrayal, infidelity, abandonment, and lies… All themes playing out strongly through the sands of time… All energies that could easily be cleared if I were to just let them go… Was any of it meant to harm??? Was any of it directed at me??? Was any of it real??? No… None of it, it is all just a choice… Why would I choose that??? Why would anyone choose it??? And yet we all do choose things such as these… Self-abuse, self-mutilation, self-condemnation; all choices of the many ways we are wrongness…

Are we wrong or are we simply being???

If you stand in the sunshine for ten seconds, just standing, observing, are you wrong, or are you simply being??? If every thought, feeling, and emotions has brought you to be this being just standing and observing for ten seconds in this moment, and there is no wrongness in you, in this ten seconds; could there have ever been wrongness in you??? If there hasn’t ever been wrongness in you, then how did we come to self-doubt, guilt, and judgment??? What if all of these are simply lies we tell ourselves to keep us from being??? What if today is the day that all of these lies we tell ourselves simply stop existing, and today we could all see our true oneness??? Our true connected-ness…

What if you knew that, I know you think of me each morning, and despite my alarm being set, I wake when you do??? What if one date, one moment, one comment, one simple interaction is all that is required to remember how deeply we are connected??? At what point do we embrace that remembrance??? What if love at first sight is a remembrance of another life, another time, another moment in the sands of time??? What if the familiarity of knowing someone upon first meeting them is just that remembrance??? What if we have danced, this dance so many times together, we couldn’t not remember??? What if it freaks you out because it feels so easy???

Wow, I have finished level 1, in Access… I have to say it was a very energetic weekend, and everything that came up was absolutely shifting, and still is shifting about in me today… That’s the thing about this type of class, you really do not see the full effect for some time, and then as all the energies begin to settle, you can begin to see the changes in you… It’s like when you are doing anything day after day, others see how you change , though you do not grasp all of the change until sometime later…I am excited to see all this unfold…

Over the last few weeks I have made several new friends and that is so lovely… How does it get even better than that???

I know this is a very very long shot… So please know this has more to do with talking to the universe and the energy of ask and you shall receive; than that anyone specifically will know…

Once upon a time long ago, 20 plus years I was hanging out with this gorgeous guy named Jeff Wolff *for some reason I do not think this is how he spelled it, though it will work for these purposes*… At the time I was a bartender and we would go to Shari’s when I was done in the a.m. of the night… He worked at a salon across from the tavern where I worked, in Oak Grove… Here are the memories I have *and they are vague at best*; we laughed a lot, alot , alot… This was when my favorite after work thing was; a friend, french fries with ranch dressing, and coffee until 5a.m. … I got him eating french fries with ranch, it wasn’t popular yet… I remember he told me I got him hooked on them, and how weird it was… I remember one night I spilled mustard on him * I think it was mustard, cause I vaguely remember telling him about another friend who had been messing with the packets of ketchup and squirted it all over the big windows at Burgerville*, and he kept making me laugh because of it *in that coffee shooting out your nose sort of way*… I remember thinking he was so hot he would never be into me *yes I know, but when you are in it, obvious is completely lost on you*, and wondering what it would be like to kiss him… Eventually he did tell me he had feelings for me, and I freaked out a bit… Not that it was unusual for me to freak out, especially when a hot guy truly liked me, and was good for me… Anyway as you know I am believer in things happen for a reason… I have recently had many flashbacks all of which started with several actual dreams of him coming into my life… I have also been told that it would be a good idea to see him again, in a way that sounds rather inevitable, by beings I trust completely…  I can remember the feeling of the energy and it brings me many smiles… If you see this man will you let him know I am looking for him??? How lucky am I to have been blessed with so many amazing energies in my lifetime???  What are the infinite possibilities that he may stumble across this particular post??? What else is possible??? How does it get even better than that???