Dreams And Delusions

Understand??? This is one of my least favorite and yet one of my most used words… How often I say I don’t understand… How often my thoughts are tied up in the understanding of the energy, the thoughts, or behavior of someone else… I just begin to think I understand what they mean or how they feel, and Wham!!! The energy shifts again…

Recently I had been very sure, I mean very very sure of someone else’s feelings, I had been sure that this person was truly willing to be a part of my world, without judgment… I was finally beginning to relax from the needing to watch the signs, consider the comments and I had begun to simply take them for what they were… I cannot even express the joy of knowing someone cares about you even though you are shall we say eccentric???  Lol… Yes I know that is being mild; I am quite a bit more than eccentric… I had even gotten to the point of not having to believe the bad thoughts, they would come up and say I was fooling myself, or that is not what was meant, or maybe they’re just being nice, and that is not what was meant at all??? I squashed those thoughts for a while; only to abruptly hit that Damn wall again… I didn’t even see it coming this time… I was off floating in the bubble of excitement; and WHAM!!! It was over… And here I stand with a bewildered look and that sentence running through my mind again… I don’t understand; what happened??? I was on the phone with a friend and I said out loud, it changed… She confirmed what had been light up to this point was not anymore… Baffled I went back through what had I said??? What had I done??? Was it this??? Was it that??? None of it felt light, and yet it had changed… I thought well maybe I am just tired and not reading it right at all??? Though now I have had what I consider a clear confirmation, it changed… I have no idea why, I simply know it did… I am told the feelings are there, they are simply not being offered to me any longer… It has been established that I am not to have small details, and for me that shows a lack of trust… It says far more, than it doesn’t… I really thought there was something there, something really worth exploring… Apparently not…

So here I am back at the beginning again… Knowing someday, someone will choose to stay, he will choose to share, and he will choose to trust me, and that man will have my heart, and oh what a gift he will have…

How Does It Get Even Better Than That???

You know every day is a struggle to remember that even when I say something out of turn that it is who I am… I did this again the other day, I do not think I said anything that would harm, though I shared an inside joke, not realizing it might not be funny to someone else… I share, often too much, and other times not enough… I did not mean to share something I was not supposed to… I often remember to tell you I care but forget to say truths about what I see… Sometimes words come falling out of my mouth and it is only after the fact that I realize they might offend… I have rarely said something with intention of harm, and I can tell you thousands of times I have held my tongue, only to be assumed I don’t care, and thousands more that I have opened my mouth and inserted my foot… Often in my pause to gather words, it is my mind reminding me that I want the phrasing of the words, not to offend… Oh if you could hear the things that rattle through at first, you would not want me to speak again… It has taken a lifetime for the small amount of refrain I have now… Even in writing my blog, I often have to ask, do I share this, how do I phrase this, what if someone does not like what I write??? How do you remain authentic, and still not offend someone down the line??? The answer is simple, you don’t… You have to choose authentic, or the masses… I choose authentic and hope that in this choice that the masses come to see I would not offend, simply to be offensive… I say things that I do not see harm in and they harm… I do things without intention to offend and they offend… This is part of the human experience… So if at any time I have said something I shouldn’t, offended you when I could have refrained, or harmed without intention… You have my deepest apology for missing the awareness of these actions… I promise that in continuing my experience here it will happen again… That is part of the deal, we make mistakes, we correct them and we move on… How does I get better than this???

Good Evening, I say that as if it is not already the wee hours of the night here in India… It is quite late, though today has been quite wonderful… I have been here two and half weeks… During my journey, as well as upon my arrival I was quite sick… I spent the first thirty six hours in my room mostly in bed not sleeping… By the time I called the front desk for assistance, I had not slept in 72 hours other than brief minutes on the planes… I could barely keep my eyes open and as I would begin to doze off, I would then start coughing and be wide awake again… They actually called the doctor at 2:30am, he called in a cough medicine, that was picked up by someone at the front desk… The doctor then came to my room at the hotel the next morning, to check in on me… I had no idea they did that… This has been quite the experience in receiving… The night manager was also checking up on me… Very nice man… I started to feel a little better only to begin to notice I felt as though I was suffocating… At first I thought it was just the humidity, and then I realized I was having severe issues breathing… Again I had to ask for help, this time from the managers at work… After about 3 hours in a hospital, I was diagnosed with bronchitis and it was confirmed it was not pneumonia, and 5 more medications besides the 4 the original doctor gave me, I was released and able to finally get some work done and to get a full night’s sleep… This is how my journey to India began… the next two weeks to follow would be 10.5 – 17 hour days working… The only sights I had seen were by cab through a very poor area of Chennai to and from the office each day…

I realize all this sounds somewhat gloomy… Please note that, originally I was not the one to be coming to India… It was to be two guys who were going to make this journey, however things got a bit muddled between passports, and just by luck I was asked because my passport was current… What was supposed to happen was that they would have their passports in a couple weeks, three at the most and they would journey to India to train the new agents and assist with questions during migration… For me it was clear that when weeks later they had just began my invitation letter and visa process, that someone somewhere had a plan… The main trainer’s expedited passport had still not arrived four and a half weeks after his renewal application… Obviously there must be a plan for me… They were moving heaven and earth for me to go to India, and here I am…

I had a rough beginning, and it has been a challenge to feel grateful… I was really ready to go home, about a week after arriving…

Here is the thing we forget… It is one thing to know that you have been called, it is another to see clearly why… Honestly, it is difficult each time something amazing happens for me, that I not want it to be this big amazing, angels singing, choirs ringing out Hallelujah, the heavens to open; well you get my point… though each time I have been taken somewhere with a purpose, that purpose is simply to be… To what??? To be… That’s it, to just simply be, nothing fancy, nothing earthshattering, no hallelujah moment saying you figured it out, just being is all that it is… Someone asked me once what does a light worker do??? I laughed and said we be… Not that I can hold this information in the middle of 72 hours no sleep, falling into a mess in front of a total stranger, in a foreign country… Heck most of the time I have trouble retaining it when I feel good…

So today was my first and only day off since arriving here… Two very lovely co-workers took me out for the day to see the sights and do some shopping…  We headed out about 9am and returned to my hotel just before 10pm… We went first to a cultural museum slash artist village… I got to watch musicians and dancers perform… I also got to bargain with artists for lots of amazing things I am bringing home, I was taken to a lady who drew on me with henna; covering the back of my arms and hands from the elbow down, for what would be about five dollars *Wow*… We went to lunch at a resort with tropical plants all around; and crazy as it is they began to play Elvis songs from the Hawaiian movie… From there we headed to Mahabalipuram; where there are five monuments carved from the same rock… I was taking pictures, and getting my picture taken, when a lady came up to me and asked if she could have her picture taken with me…

A bit of back story: A very nice gentleman from Chennai working  in my office back home, was telling me not to be surprised if while I was visiting people asked to have their picture taken with me… That it was unusual to have someone from the US *white* visit Chennai, so for them it is special… I laughed and he said you think it is silly but they really like it… I told him that I laugh because it is so cute… I mean really how cute is that???

This was not the only occasion while out seeing the sights that people came up to me… Before leaving the first monument I would have many people come up and just want to take my hand and say hello… It was quite wonderful… This continued for the few hours as we went through several areas… One family from the first sight came up and wanted to touch me again while at the temple, and a couple of ladies and a small boy came up and took my hand saying welcome to India… The temple we visited was right beside the Ocean… So I also visited the beach today… We went to coffee for a bit on our way to an amazing huge mall… Seriously this was easily two times and maybe even three time the size of our malls in Portland… We went on to shop for a couple hours, before calling it a day… It was an amazing day… One I will not soon forget… Totally feeling the gratitude this evening, and now with a yawn I am off to bed… Good Night, Sweet Dreams…

Let’s see where I am today… Today I am sitting here in my jammies, in shock of how different my life looks at this moment, verses six months ago… So many things have changed… So many things have changed that, had you told me six months ago this would be where I was, I doubt I would have believed you… In my world things change daily, and have done so to such an extreme for years… And yet this is so far beyond where I could have imagined… I have a job, a home, a car, stability, and all of this I have done for me… You have no idea how huge this is, in my world… Don’t misunderstand I have done all of this before, I simply did for others, I did it to hold a family together, I did it to keep relationships together, I did it to keep lives moving forward, I did it for all of these reasons and more… And then I gave credit to someone else as though I had no part in it… I am grateful…

Today I hold a job that appreciates what I bring to them, on many occasions I have been told how well I and my team are doing…So much so that I have been given all the tools *a new laptop, etc…* to do the job, and the gift of traveling to India to assist hands on… Originally there was to be several of us, it now appears it will just be me…  Our migration starts in the morning, and I have been working from home for days… I fly out on Wednesday and won’t return until March… I am so excited, and freaked out all at the same time… There is, as there would be in any huge project, a lot riding on this… How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine??? What are the infinite possibilities???

This part of the earth is covered in white and not assisting in my getting things for the trip accomplished… Which is just one more place that is so weird, uhh this is Portland we rarely get snow, someone needs to have a conversation with the weather guy… I haven’t seen this much snow since Germany 2010… Seriously this is not working for me, I have run out of half and half, and have a can of whip cream to use in my coffee… *FYI, the reverse process takes longer than making it whipped by hand; step 1: fill cup with whipped cream, step two: slowly pour hot coffee over top, step 3: use spoon to move it in cup until melted, step four: repeat steps 1 through 3 until coffee looks cream colored… * I also just received a warning to stay inside from my phone!!! What The??? Since when do you get warnings from your phone carrier??? Lol…

My little home is much warmer than the places I have lived in over the last few years… I get many compliments, and I am surprised… It is so small and a bit cramped, though it is totally me… I decorated for me, that is also new… No compromises with anyone… Usually my home has represented a partnership between me, my partner, kids, roommates… It is very liberating having total control on how your world appears… I am surrounded by thing I enjoy… I am grateful…

I am finding my footing in a way I have not done before… Yes there are still places that feel odd… Coming home to no one, at night is so strange even now, it feels broken… I enjoy my time on my own a lot, and I do not cringe at the weekends by myself anymore… In fact there have been times of true annoyance of not having my own space… I must be growing… I do hope that someday I have a love, however it must be a true love, none of that you are replaceable stuff… Because frankly I am not… I am not willing to abandon me for love, I am love, I live love, I breathe love, I share love; so to abandon me, is to abandon love, and that I cannot do… So in this moment being on my own is the way it is… They tell me I will find a love and that he will be my friend that he will value me in a way that no one has here… I would love this… I am grateful for the idea, the thoughts of what that would look like, and the warmth of how it would feel… How does it get even better than that???

The other day someone said to me that his ex of many years was his friend and any woman that wanted to be with him would have to accept that this is how it is, and that this will never change… If the new lady in his life was unable to accept this she would have to move on… This is not the only man who has made this statement to me; in fact it has not only been said to me, it has been said about me to others…

My first instinct when this was said was to run, run like hell… I firmly believe each time it has been used in either reference I should have ran… Why??? It so clearly (in hind sight) shows how firmly rooted this man still is in an old relationship… It tells you right up front how he will cave to the past, how she will continue to interfere; whether she is aware of this interference or not… It says quite profoundly I am not ready to move on from the past… It also issues a challenge to the other party…

As you watch the other party begins to engage in a war, what will it take to remove the past??? Make me the one and only??? What will I have to do to remove her from his mind, his thoughts, and even his heart??? Sell the house, and move??? Sell their things and buy things together??? Remove all the old friendships from his life, and start fresh??? He will give them up, to the naked eye, as he tells you he loves you and you are the most important thing in his life… He will distance himself from those you do not approve of… He will quit the things you do not do, and he will become for you what you say you want…

As you embark on this war against a ghost, the time will pass, and frustration will slowly seep in… You will find that no matter the circumstances there she is again, in your house, in your things, in your friends… In places you had not thought she could get into… She enters from every angle tearing your relationship apart… You begin to truly believe she is the reason this is all happening; and yet it isn’t true…

He is still holding on to something that has not been healed and until he is willing to heal those old open wounds there will be no room for you, no room for anyone, the wound actually becomes larger with time… Each relationship that comes and goes, will add to the hurt as well as to the gaping hole made by the wound…

There is no purpose in pursuing this path, it does not end well; in fact it does not end… One day this ghost will come to you and tell you she has forgiven you and that she did so many years ago… You will look at her aghast that she has the audacity to infer that you had ever done anything that would require her forgiveness… Only to begin to see things from her perspective, to see where you were the interloper in her eyes, you were the new comer in the old game they play… Inevitably you will see that you have lost the war… As if there could have ever been a winner in war…

And he will say to the next one to come along about you what he said about her… She is my best friend, and if you cannot accept that we will not be able to be together; though in truth you will not be together for the wound keeps you apart…

Who is the wrong in this scenario; you, her, or him??? None of the above, you saw the signs, you read the pages, and he told you outright you will never come between us… What he didn’t say was that is because he is not willing to heal it, and thereby holds it in place… You cannot overcome a memory, they have powers that we know not… They are beautiful in ways they never were in reality… They are seen from a distance and filled with glamour… They are not real…

So when he says you will never come between us, he is telling you the truth…

Today is the first day of 2014, the first day of a new year, the first day of the rest of our lives, the day that begins all the days that will follow…  I know it sounds terribly profound doesn’t it??? 😉

Today I am surprised; I met friends in a place I had not expected… I found smiles where I was sure I would not… Yes, there was some judgment, and yet who is to say it was not simply my judgment of me; projected onto someone I believe should judge me and not theirs at all… I am proud of me today; I did the best I could in a situation that was unexpected… I stood as me and was willing to be uncomfortable, and still remain myself… I am growing, I did not run *and I wanted to*, and I spoke my truth… I am grateful to each of the beings that have made up my life over the last dozen years, I am even more grateful to those that no matter the situation; can still greet me with a smile and a hug… You are all so deeply loved… May all you dream of come to be in this New Year… Happy New Years!!!

Here comes the sun…

I stood in the doorway watching the night sky… Look at all those stars… They are so beautiful… It was so clear… They sparkle, shimmer and blink… Wow they really blink???

As I watch they are setting off between each other lighting the night; like faerie lights… I thought I must be imagining it…

Look it is a plane, and there is another… I counted five very fast planes crossing paths in the night’s sky, hmmm??? Are they planes at all; was the thought that crossed my mind??? They look like planes, though they are moving so fast??? They flash red and white like planes, yet the pattern is unusual??? It definitely makes you wonder???

Welcome to Sedona where anything is possible???

Have you ever received a Christmas wish??? I mean really received it??? I have…

Last night I had a lovely friend over, and we were chatting and enjoying a visit… When my phone started to blow up with texts of Merry Christmas, quickly followed by; are you ok???

Lol… As I am sure you already know, this is simply a call to brace yourself, something you are not going to like has just come about in the universe tonight….

Seriously what would you think I would do??? Jump from the highest building??? Drink poison in the most dramatic fashion??? Crumble into a million tiny little fragments never to be seen again??? Life as I know it has not come to an end… In fact it is just beginning…

My friend and I continued on with our visit, thinking up different scenario’s as we do… What if??? How about this??? Oh I know, this would be great, don’t you think???  OMG that would be so funny… One of these scenarios’ struck me as something I would truly enjoy…

With just a bit of back story, I am asked if I think that I made a mistake… No, I do not… It has not been an easy choice; it has not been pleasant choice… Though it was and is my choice, and what is best for me… That is all I can ask for… I do not regret, though of all the pieces I miss, I miss the warmth of it… I have said it a lot lately, I have not been warm in what feels like forever and what I know to be several years… I miss the warmth…

So that is what I asked for, for Christmas… I wanted to feel warm again; even more than that, that is what I was given… I watched the energy, and asked my questions, truly held my space to observe me; am I just in denial??? Is this something I do not want to see??? No was the answer, you really are free…

There is a beauty in what comes between two beings that no matter how much you try to visualize how it will turn out, your imagination cannot do it justice… It will be what it is… You can say I want this or that; and it will come in forms you have never expected or could plan…

In the glow of Christmas lights I found the warmth again… Thank You Santa!!! Merry Christmas!!!

My prayers to you that you too find the warmth, and all your wishes come true…

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6T5_Hw9fIIs

Today I would like to share about a sweetness that walked into my life over 22 years ago… A cuddle Bug from the first day I met her… She would lie on me for hours as a baby… She used to climb into bed with me and snuggle up on the weekends, and sometimes in the middle of the night… She did this until she was about fourteen… I would tickle her and listen to her lovely laugh and screams to stop, and then I would tell her she was my pillow, and I would fluff her up…

We have been through a great deal her and I… Divorces, packing, moving, unpacking, new schools, new jobs, new boyfriends, proms, weddings, the loss of drinking chocolate at Starbucks, extreme changes, and many many minor ones… Through all of this and more, she has always loved me and even when she was really pissed off, truly sad, or simply being a teenager, it has been clear her mother has always been so important to her… Something I assure I do not take for granted…

When she was little we would playfully argue over who loved who more; “I love you, I love you more, I love you the most, I love you the mostestest, I love you bigger than the moon and the stars and the great big sky”… She went through that phase where it was not ok to say I love you, to your mom, and still today I am a bit surprised when she says it, not that she is ever reluctant, I just got used to the years she didn’t… I am grateful each time she does now, and I am lucky it is often… I have watched her become a beautiful woman… I used to tell her how beautiful and gorgeous she was, and one day I saw her almost disappointed by it, and this struck a place within me that made me realize she did not understand that the beauty I spoke of had nothing to do with how she looks… When I told her this, you could see her visibly lighten up… It was the sweetest thing, as if anyone that knows her wouldn’t love her simply for being… She has this softness about her that tells you she is not of this planet…

She is an amazing woman who I know will do awe inspiring things through her life… I know that she inspires awe in me each time I see her and listen to her… I am truly deeply honored to have been chosen to be her mother and her friend, my cup runneth over… My everlasting gratitude of such a gift…

How does it get even better than that???

Each day I am here I have struggles… Some more significant than others… Though I am the one to make them significant, to make them difficult; for whatever reason I have chosen for any particular one I am working through at any given moment… There is never a time that I cannot look to my friends and smile, even when I sit smack dab in the center of the puddle of gloom; I know that if I choose to, I can turn to my friends and find the laughter, the joy, or the comical side of this life…  I have been blessed so deeply, I have been gifted far far beyond what any being could ask for in this life, with the most amazing friends and family…

Every day, every time I see you, any of you, and your faces light up with recognition, excitement, pleasure you are a gift to me… I see it, whether I remember to say it or not, I see it, and I feel it… It is a joy to be your friend, and I am grateful to each and every one of you… Those I share my book reads or not reads with, those that have been my family and are now my friends, those who I call when I am lost with what to do next, those that call and ask to hang out, those I have known since a child, and those I have just met, even those I have not yet met, those that I have tumbled with and those that we have always agreed… You are all very precious to me, and there are no words to express how deeply you are loved by me… Thank you