Let’s see where I am today… Today I am sitting here in my jammies, in shock of how different my life looks at this moment, verses six months ago… So many things have changed… So many things have changed that, had you told me six months ago this would be where I was, I doubt I would have believed you… In my world things change daily, and have done so to such an extreme for years… And yet this is so far beyond where I could have imagined… I have a job, a home, a car, stability, and all of this I have done for me… You have no idea how huge this is, in my world… Don’t misunderstand I have done all of this before, I simply did for others, I did it to hold a family together, I did it to keep relationships together, I did it to keep lives moving forward, I did it for all of these reasons and more… And then I gave credit to someone else as though I had no part in it… I am grateful…
Today I hold a job that appreciates what I bring to them, on many occasions I have been told how well I and my team are doing…So much so that I have been given all the tools *a new laptop, etc…* to do the job, and the gift of traveling to India to assist hands on… Originally there was to be several of us, it now appears it will just be me… Our migration starts in the morning, and I have been working from home for days… I fly out on Wednesday and won’t return until March… I am so excited, and freaked out all at the same time… There is, as there would be in any huge project, a lot riding on this… How could this be better than anything I could ever plan or imagine??? What are the infinite possibilities???
This part of the earth is covered in white and not assisting in my getting things for the trip accomplished… Which is just one more place that is so weird, uhh this is Portland we rarely get snow, someone needs to have a conversation with the weather guy… I haven’t seen this much snow since Germany 2010… Seriously this is not working for me, I have run out of half and half, and have a can of whip cream to use in my coffee… *FYI, the reverse process takes longer than making it whipped by hand; step 1: fill cup with whipped cream, step two: slowly pour hot coffee over top, step 3: use spoon to move it in cup until melted, step four: repeat steps 1 through 3 until coffee looks cream colored… * I also just received a warning to stay inside from my phone!!! What The??? Since when do you get warnings from your phone carrier??? Lol…
My little home is much warmer than the places I have lived in over the last few years… I get many compliments, and I am surprised… It is so small and a bit cramped, though it is totally me… I decorated for me, that is also new… No compromises with anyone… Usually my home has represented a partnership between me, my partner, kids, roommates… It is very liberating having total control on how your world appears… I am surrounded by thing I enjoy… I am grateful…
I am finding my footing in a way I have not done before… Yes there are still places that feel odd… Coming home to no one, at night is so strange even now, it feels broken… I enjoy my time on my own a lot, and I do not cringe at the weekends by myself anymore… In fact there have been times of true annoyance of not having my own space… I must be growing… I do hope that someday I have a love, however it must be a true love, none of that you are replaceable stuff… Because frankly I am not… I am not willing to abandon me for love, I am love, I live love, I breathe love, I share love; so to abandon me, is to abandon love, and that I cannot do… So in this moment being on my own is the way it is… They tell me I will find a love and that he will be my friend that he will value me in a way that no one has here… I would love this… I am grateful for the idea, the thoughts of what that would look like, and the warmth of how it would feel… How does it get even better than that???