Dreams And Delusions

August, I am jobless and setting up all the things you set up when you are out of work. I am also dealing with my mother, oh what a joy that is. To say my mother didn’t handle my losing my job well is beyond understatement. I told her in an email, and her response was vicious *there is no other way to say it*. She went off on how she could no longer help me, that I would have to get assistance and how she had never been on such a thing, blah blah blah. There are no words to express how difficult it is to read or hear these types of things from your mother, the one person in the world who is supposed to love you no matter what. In these circumstances I comfort myself with the words of the angels, as they have told me again and again, she cannot love like you do; not just that she doesn’t, but that she is not even capable of it. I have spent the last five years trying to repair our relationship. She has moments of such generosity, only to be countered by such anger. The gain has never been worth the pain.

My friend and I attended what is called the Sacred Chambers at the end of July, about a week after the email from my mother, of which I was guided to answer on the morning the Sacred Chambers, and sent just before walking out the door. ** Sacred Chambers; which is a Deeksha process of moving through three chambers; the first you are with all attending and as a group you meditate on what you are here to bring up and shift all the hurts and history. The second you go in alone and ask for what you would like healed in your life, and the third you can ask for anything, such as; to meet your divine, money, a home, or even a puppy. ** I told her I loved her and that I was sorry I could not live up to what she wanted, and that I realized she was disappointed in me again, but that there was nothing I could do about the job. She sent me back more anger; of which I did not read until the following day, and all I could do was laugh. I just couldn’t receive her anger. It was the first time I could see this was her and not me, not mine, not caused by me, and I could not receive it *not my monkey, and not my circus*. She called and tried to get a hold of me for a couple weeks; I emailed her and said I am not willing to engage with her at the moment, and that she would need to give me some space.

In steps my loving older brother, he and I are talking at his door, after I am dropping his daughter home one night, **you should know I am fully aware he speaks to our mother often; especially since he continues to offer me money to escort my niece around to modeling and acting jobs. I take his money and we go to lunch. He also offers me to take his horrid wife’s children about *because she is too busy to do such a thing*, of which I conveniently have other things to do.** and I am all kinds of miffed, as my other niece has called that day to say “my mother called my younger brother and had him call her *my niece*, to ask her to call my mother. She then calls my mother who proceeds to tell her that I am not talking to her and that she is worried that I am in trouble or hurt. Would she call and make sure that I am alright? “*are you fucking kidding me???*So while I am venting about this to my older brother, I ask has she been asking him things as well??? His response is “no, why would she he doesn’t know anything about my life, so he cannot give her any information.” He also says “this is between you two, and you will have to work it out, he doesn’t want to get involved.” I decide to handle it myself, and send her message saying “please do not ask others to check up on me, if you need to know if I am ok, ask me.” By morning I have a very nasty email quoting my words from the night before, and that this is not Russia she has the right to speak to anyone she likes, and it hurts her that I would say that she says such horrible things, but that she still loves me. I waited a few days until the energy had mellowed out and I wrote another long email to say I love you, and will always love you, but I am no longer receiving her anger via the phone or email, if it persists in this manner I will delete it and have no further contact with her. She of course countered with a go ahead and delete this message, as I have already told my friends that I do not expect to see you again until I am dead, good bye forever. This woman could give any Jewish guilt shepparding mother a run for the money.

I won’t tell you how ashamed I felt, that I damn near skipped away in joy from the car after reading this, as that is totally awful. I was so happy, no more anger, and true to her word I have not heard from her *directly* since.

My daughter went traveling the world for three months via Semester at Sea, in the middle of August, and my bestie would be leaving to travel through New Zealand for six weeks in the beginning of September.

So here I am with no one to confide in while dealing with my mother, job loss, and oh right I almost forgot to tell you mid-August I was told they were putting my house up for sale, so I would need to move out by the first of October; on the bright side they no longer required any rent as I was paid up through that date with my deposits. So I paid everything I had out to make sure all my bills were taken care of, with the expectation of funds that would be arriving in late September.

Are you ready??? Yes of course they changed their mind at the beginning of September, and would I like to stay until March, as they would be putting it up for sale in April instead. So I have to tell them yes I would prefer to stay but I cannot pay rent until October, which was fine.

Good Morning all,

Here I am at my computer in my jammies drinking coffee *which I am not supposed to do* typing random shit. It is raining today which does not make me want to go outside. I am trying to come up with where to start? As I am sure you have seen my the archives of random shit here in my blog I have been through a lot the last few years, and seriously I am ready for a break! I have not done much writing here since last summer-ish, due to job hunting and working and excuses that I have not come up with yet.

I had a reading in February with an amazing psychic, seriously I have not met a more psychic person to date, and trust me I know some very intuitive peeps. I attended his a night with Dougall Fraser, and then I attended his Empowering the Empath workshop, and was inspired to make an appointment for a one on one. The first evening when he came in he looked at me and said we have met before; I replied not in this lifetime. He said this a few times over the evening, which I admit made me feel a bit special in a good way. The following day, he was talking and mentioned that he had participated in various meditations with an Osho community. That is when it hit me, oh he may have been at the ranch or something like that, and maybe that is where he knows me from.

Have I mentioned that my mother is a Rajaneesh??? Or that I grew up in a Rajaneesh commune??? I think there must be a story in the archives about it. What is Rajaneesh, you ask… This is the name for those who were followers of the Bhagwhan Shree Rajaneesh. During his lifetime here he was said to have ascended in his enlightenment to become Osho. You will find many memes on Facebook with quotes from Osho, which I find a bit misleading as most come from his time teaching as Bhagwan Shree Rajaneesh and shouldn’t they have that name if that is when he said it???. But that is not the topic at this moment.

Anyway at the end of the workshop, I mentioned that I grew up in this commune and had he been on the ranch or something like that??? He said no, that Osho was dead by the time he had participated in these meditations; but that this explained why he felt a connection. I was early for my appointment with Dougall the next day, excited and a bit scared of what he would tell me. I have been to many readings, and yet some piece of me knew this would be different than any other; and I was very correct. I got the opportunity to talk with his partner David, another amazing being on the way to my appointment, as well as he sat and chatted with me afterwards for about a half an hour, I would truly love to call these men my friends, they are lovely.

We hug and I sit down asking if I can record our session. He opens with a prayer, and then so is your mother mentally unstable? I laugh and say without thought, yes though she has never been diagnosed that way. He tells me what is coming up and that there are many voices, and that he says oh good guides, and he hears a resounding NO. He gets that she has multiple personality disorder, not to be mistaken with schizophrenia. I wasn’t really able to process this in that moment, though it was very light. We go on to talk about my childhood, my writing, and he tells me that I will be known for my non-fiction before I will be known for my fiction. I have to say with that, I was quite resistant. He says I need to tell my story, that it is riveting *riveting really?*. That I have been programed not to and that it is time to break that program, and that it will be cathartic for me. He recommends some books to read, and asks if I have any questions, are you kidding I have a million questions, though only a few come to mind. Will I get the apartment I applied for? Yes. Will I be working right away??? No, but there will be money; as well as odd jobs over the next year. He says my work life will not be satisfying for a while. What about a boyfriend??? You need to find balance for yourself in order to be in a healthy relationship, and that is the goal this year; establishing balance. To be writing at least three blogs week, and to get my story out *riveting really?*.

I have spent the last month and a half going over the implications of what getting my story out means, and I have to tell you I don’t like how that looks. Which is not to say he is wrong, because I know in the core of who I am, that he is right, and it is time. I just don’t like how it feels to bring it all up again, to tell this story is to live it again; and it was hard enough the first time. I have told pieces over the years and to see those faces flashing before me in stunned silence, and then the same words again and again, how are you so normal, so ok, so whole. Which is not what I see when I look in the mirror, I see the little girl praying this is a mistake and that my daddy, or someone as valiant as a daddy would be, coming to take me away to a place where none of this could happen.

So I am here telling you we are about to embark on a new journey, through my story. I am far from believing it is riveting, and still unconvinced that you even want to know my story. It is not pretty, and there are so many painful places, that I cannot imagine why you would want to even think about that stuff; I know I don’t, but I will, for you and for me. Just promise me, if we get stuck you will take my hand and help me back up and out of that mess.

So I will try to catch you up on what has been going on the last six months, and then we will get to the other stuff. Hold on I have to turn the heat on, close the window, make the bed, clean the kitchen and all the other numerous ways I distract myself from writing. Which once I actually start feels like breath, and I wonder why I do not just do this all day long? It feels good, and like I have opened a piece of me that comes no other way. Oh ya, and we will both be needing a box of tissue, I have mine do you have yours???

I can’t stop laughing. You know how you do things when you are little and you don’t really think about them at all? When I was a child we lived in this great big house. You know the type ten bedrooms, our living room was easily the size of a one bedroom apartment, and we had a tiled entry way with a curving stair case that led to the upper level library, which had a white ornate wrought iron banister all the way around it, as well as white carpet throughout the house. So as you reached the top of the stair case you entered the library which was open on one side overlooking the entry way, with built in book cases all around, and from there several hallways led to the bedrooms.

With this picture I am painting I am sure you have gathered our house was a bit on the prissy side *giggle*. My mother was very particular that it always be magazine ready. Everyone had chores and everyone did them. The living room was for company and you were not to be just hanging out with your things all over. This is unfortunately is the completely anal place I slip into when I am not careful.

Last night I had a bunch of people over to see my new apartment, and one of them asked “is that book case leaning forward?” Another said “that is why you have to anchor them into the wall.” So as you do; I was sitting here singing along to songs, remembering last night’s conversations and noticing how much that book case is leaning forward and  with that thinking maybe I should push the books back inside the shelves to counter the weight and keep it from leaning forward, until I replace it.

This is when I remembered how I used to walk around that library as a child and push all the books back in the shelves. It never occurred to me that someone came along behind me, to realign each one, along the edge perfectly. I can just see my mother’s annoyed face as she went back through to fix everyone, so that it was perfect. I did this often, and not once did I get caught, or even think that it was wrong, I was bored and I liked them pushed back. I know that it was my mother who put them back along the edge, I know this because no one else would have cared that they were out of place and she is so neurotic when it comes to those things; and I know it must have taken about a half hour each time she had to do this.

So I sit here giggling, ok out right laughing with just a bit of self-satisfaction that I never got caught, and that she is probably still wondering which annoying person messed up her perfect library. Ahhh the little joys in life…

How does it get better than that???

So today I am on the freeway singing along to whatever song was on the radio. I need to get over from the far lane into the center in order to take my exit, though a gold suv was coming from the far right into the center where I need to be. I try to pace back in order to get over behind him and he slows too, which frustrated me. I start swearing, and saying unkind things in the car about his/her driving.

I proceed to take my exit, and as I pull up to the stop light, I notice that the car behind me has two ladies in it. The driver is clearly yelling and very angry, and her movements are very jerky. The passenger I would guess was the daughter, had a look that said this was not uncommon experience.

I was thinking my mood was part of the masses, and then I realized I had been in a pleasant mood a few minutes before trying to exit the freeway; and maybe I had picked up her anger as I was just in front of her.

I began chanting a general clearing of energies while watching her, and her movement calmed a bit, as I watched her she did that grasping the nose right between your eyes thing, as if you are resigning what the issues is, and beginning to sigh. You could see she was still frustrated, so I began to surround her in light. (I do this by moving my hand a cocoon type motion and thinking loving light).  Before we pulled away from the stop light they were laughing, and as they passed me a block later she was smiling; as was I.

How amazing is it that I got to watch her mood change with the light??? How does it get better than that???

After an amazing couple days of watching someone show how completely psychic one can be, I walked into a reading with this man and his first words were “so your mother is mentally unstable.”  You would think that as many times as I have said she is bat shit crazy, it would not have been such a profound revelation, and yet it truly has been.  Don’t get me wrong I have totally thought she was mental, I just never thought it was diagnosable. Turns out she really does live just on the brink, a half ounce on the scale and she is over.  So many stories come forward when I think about all of this, so many places I can validate his statement that she has multiple personality disorder, so many places explained. Such as why my brothers never see the crazy woman I do. It still makes me just a bit crazy, that they look at me as if I stepped off the deep end, whenever I speak of one of her incidents. How many times I have gone over and over a situation wondering if it was me, was I the one who was mental, did I misunderstand somehow? They never get that insane screaming, that woman who tells you, you  are not worth the air you breath,  the space you take up, that you are a total disappointment, all because you were laid off work. They get the can I help mother; not that I don’t get her too I just get that other one first.

Almost two years ago, I was standing in my friend’s kitchen having a particularly bad day. Listening to a forty five minute tantrum of what a low life piece of shit excuse for a human being I am. Because I had moved from my ex-husbands house and had no job, no car, and I was asking for a loan to assist in getting a place to live while I find a job.

Mind you I had recently returned from living in the UK, I was invited to share house with my ex-husband in the hopes that I would consider reconciliation. My ex and I had been divorced over a year, and upon my return he had decided that reconciliation was not what he wanted after all, and his new girlfriend was moving in. My mother was pissed that I had left him years before. She thought and said that I should have just had an affair if I was unhappy, as he was stable and could take care of me. This is all being addressed in the screaming coming from the phone. The call had been initiated by me asking to borrow 4,000 dollars, for a few months while I got on my feet. She totally freaked out, telling me she didn’t have that kind of money, her shops were failing, and she would have to cash in investments, and so on. Gratefully no one else was home at the time, though truth is no one usually is around for those outbursts. After this anger sip sides a bit the conversation goes on to; yes she will give me the money, but it will be a gift and I have to use part of it to buy a car. I explain that I cannot afford a car, that I can use the bus it is cheaper than insurance, that what I need is a place to live right now while I find work. This argument goes on for about another hour. At which point my will has once again been broken down and I agree to what she wants to get her off the phone.

The following week I get a call from her that I have an appointment with a man from enterprise car sales in Beaverton, two days from now. (You should know that her partner, I mean husband, works Tuesdays and Thursdays), the call came in on Tuesday and the appointment was for Thursday (this is so he does not know what she is doing).  I was to arrive Thursday and call once I looked at the cars she had picked out for me. Oh, and I was not to spend over 12,000. I can imagine what you are thinking right now, but she was angry about the 4,000? Yes she was very angry about the 4,000.

So I arrive at the dealership a bit confused to say the least and with no real belief that this will come to fruition, as we have played this game before and gotten to the end only to have it all pulled out from under me. I have also had it all come to be, there is no way to be sure until it completes. So I am talking to the gentleman there looking for the man she sent me to, and apparently he does not work in this branch. The car she wants me to look at is not here either it is also at a different branch. She had shopped for these cars online, as she is in another state. So this sales guy offers to take me to that branch to see the car. She asks about the cars at this dealership, he lets her know there are similar cars with similar prices. The original car she wanted me to look at was 12,900 and has a tear in the seat, and these two cars were 13,900 and 14,400 (no tears, longer warranty). I mention that none are under 12,000 and she says in a snotty voice that she knows that, and that I should test drive both of them and tell her which one I like better. I do test drive both and pick the one I like of the two, she then buys the car pays all the fees, including 6 months of insurance (totaling just under 15,000), and I am told I can pick the car up the day after tomorrow once all the balances have cleared. She has told me that she will hold the title (“so that I do not sell it and move back to Europe”), but that this is my birthday and Christmas gifts for the next two years.  She proceeded to send plane tickets to me and my kids, for the holidays and spent 700 on each of us including my daughter’s boyfriend (the first gifts they have had from her in 10 years, out of sight out of mind).You can trust that I am paying for all of this and more, maybe not with money, but I am definitely paying.

This is just one of the inconsistencies in the world of my mother. People look at me as if I am ungrateful when I tell this story, as if I should just be happy to have a car. I am grateful for the car, and any other assistance I am given. Though it is difficult to reconcile the situation, when it makes no sense at all. Why yell at me for hours because I ask for help, only to turn around and force a gift three times what was asked for to begin with??? Even in the name of control freak this reaches over the top. But when you throw different people into the mix it begins to make sense. If it is one personality freaking out and another gifting, it begins to make total sense. If it is one personality triggered by me and me alone, it would make sense that my brothers never see that side of her. It explains all the bat shit crazy moments I have endured over the years. It in no way condones the behavior, though it does explain it. It gives me a place to start to understand what has only been muddled.

What is your belief around these words???

I have been told that my beliefs are dangerous, and addictive…

That to believe that I am an infinite being, is to not fully live this life I have now, as I believe that I can always do it again… That is an interesting point of view…

I have been informed that it is more fulfilling to believe I am finite and to discover that I am infinite life after life; would be a joyful surprise that allowed me to live each life to the fullest…  again a very interesting point of view…

I would love to tell you I handled this with grace and ease… It would of course be a big fat lie… The truth is I did not take it well, though I would say there was no way this conversation could or would turn out well… As it started long before this portion of discrediting my core belief system… It frankly was a bear poking bear session that had started for me a couple weeks ago… This particular day my filter was gone, and my emotions were raw, I had not slept well in several days, and we were entering the full moon energy…

None of these reasoning’s are an excuse for behaving badly… Though bad behavior happens, even when it is not the intention… Before this conversation ended I had fully and cognitively stepped over the line completely, into what can only be considered bad behavior… I normally try to avoid this and yet in this case I did not… Welcome back to the land of I cannot undo it, I can simply acknowledge my part in it, forgive and let go…

I have spent the last fifteen years pursuing my spiritual path; I have done it well and not so well at times… Specifically the last three and a half years I have been submerged in finding me… I have been in readings and meditations, lessons, classes on beliefs, I found much that resonates for me, and I have found much that does not, often in the same modality… I have had what has been said are unusual experiences, and I have had what seems to be the norm for others in similar places in their lives…

I have been told I am too selfish, and too selfless, sometimes by the same being… I have been informed that I am doing extremely well, and I have been questioned as to whether I do anything… I have been told I am a good person, and a greedy liar… I am sweet, and I am unfeeling… It has been assumed that I am unhappy, defeated, depressed, and suicidal simply due to my expressions or I have been misunderstood due to someone else’s perception of my wording… I have been asked to make this time all about me, and told to stop being so self-centered…

When looking at all of this my mind reels… I know truly this is all my doing, as I often work my current issue through out loud, offering the person of the moment far too much information, much of which is simply there to see if it is relevant, not definitive at all… It is easy to see where this all could be misconstrued as my truth, as I have laid it there to look at… However I do not see that my manner of sorting is incorrect for me; I do however agree that I will have to be more selective when discussing my thoughts and my emotions, and my overall life… This kind of sucks as I had thought I was safe in those I was choosing to share with…

Clearly not, though this bear poking bear session did illuminate some things for me that I had not fully been willing to look at… Is this really what I want??? Do I want to spend my life defending who I am, my beliefs, my core values to someone who is not willing to let me be what I am, whatever that is in that moment??? Do I want to spend time with, develop a deep heart connection with a man that cannot see past logic??? Do I want to be with someone who cannot see that I am having a tough time, that I am finding my footing, and that I am releasing all that is happening within as to get to a place where I can have ease, which may at times look to be useless emotions??? Is there a place where I can speak even the useless emotions that are moving through me and have it be alright that I feel them and discuss them, as to have them acknowledged and thereby released??? Is there a relationship in which I am allowed to be a hot mess, though it seems to serve no purpose, while in transition???

I have wanted to share, and be shared with so much I did not look at the big picture, I have been so focused on what will it take for this being to open up to me that I got lost in the past… My worry has been that ten years from now I would awaken and look to this man and not know who he was at all, because he refused to share with me… A truly confusing issue as I feel as though I already know him… My fear that I would develop the image of who I thought he was, only to find he was someone else entirely…

I know that the dream portion is the piece I continue to fall back on… The piece that keeps me here, moving forward whatever this relationship is… I can see and feel this man so deeply that it makes my head hurt that he might not be real… ***I can see him standing in the room and I can feel his arms holding me as I rest my head on his chest; this image flips to lying on him in the crux of his arm, again my head on his chest and his arm around me, I can feel the heat of his body, and hear his heartbeat…*** This image is so strong that it is beyond difficult to believe it is not based in the physical… I have questioned it time and again, and yet I know that I know that I know he is… I never thought for a second he would not remember me… This realization was so hard to integrate into me… I stand here now knowing I have done all that I can to accept this, and realizing now that not only does he not remember me, the being I see is deeply submerged within this reality; and I have to accept that he may not choose to remember, or awaken at all… Placing me firmly in my past relationships, by spending years hitting my head against the wall as I can see what is within and yet it cannot see out… At what point do you admit that no matter what you have risked, no matter how much time you have spent, no matter what the cost to your heart and your dreams; it may be that moment you have to throw your hands in the air and say I give, I give in, I give up, I let go???

Interesting question… Who am I??? We ask this and similar questions everyday… So I will explain this question I am asking so that there is no confusion around it…

Example;

A few months ago, I was working with a lady… A nice gal, and I thought we had been friendly… I remember on one specific day, there was a conversation about my dating someone… She said a bit to my surprise; that she was sure I did not have a boyfriend because she felt she would have known that information about me… I remember thinking she must have believed us to be somewhat close, that I would have told her that… Anyway, shortly after this conversation; she left the company, we made plans to have lunch a week or so later… When I arrived at this lunch it had become a visit over tea, and not even enough time for me to get tea actually… As upon my arrival after driving forty five minutes to meet her, I was told she would need to leave shortly as she had laundry to do… *Now I know I have mentioned the laundry excuse before so I was clear she was blowing me off, in that information we go forward to what happened next…* While we are sitting chatting about what had been going on at work since she had left, someone she had gone to school with came up and said hello to her… She proceeded to introduce me as her former co-worker… I am not offended that this was the introduction, nor was it inaccurate, it simply clarified how she saw me in her life… We walked back to her car and she gave me a hug and said she would like to see me again before moving away… I did not see her again, and I did not contact her again, as it was quite clear no matter what she said, no matter the wording, she did not desire a friendship with me…

So with the previous example, I ask you… Who am I to you??? Let me give you a Hypothetical situation so that you can better determine what I would like to know…

We (you and I) are sitting in a restaurant… It is about three pm in the afternoon… Neither lunch nor dinner time… This is a casual dining restaurant and we are casually and pleasantly dressed… We are not sitting side by side; we are across from one another at a center situated table… We are not touching in any way above or below the table… We are chatting comfortably yet in a way that would be difficult to determine our relationship at a glance…

Someone from your real life, the one you lead outside of work… Someone who has known you for many years sees you from across the room and walks up to the table we occupy… He/she says they saw you from across the room and they wanted to say hello… This person casually and questioningly glances at me, in the way of an introduction…  How do you introduce me???

*Now I know you could easily back out of this question with one of those statements like “I am a private person, I wouldn’t introduce you” … However this is my question, and this is not an option… You must introduce me, and you must do it in front of me… *

How do you introduce me to this person???

Am I an ex co-worker??? An acquaintance??? An associate??? A friend??? Some chick you met once??? Your date???

Exactly!!! This is where I sit right now… I have no idea how I fit into your world… My fear has been that I do not rank as high as associate, as I have heard comments about associates in reference to life outside of work or class time… They have been referenced in what could be assumed a social type setting… So when I take the time to look at our relationship, I know that there has not been what would be considered a social setting interaction… Therefore it can be logically determined I would not be an associate… I am certainly not your girlfriend, as this would have required social setting interaction… I would love to say we are friends, though every attempt I have made has been shut down… So I must be an acquaintance??? Ex co-worker??? Something similarly basic… Someone who will not be remembered in more than an “I knew a girl once” conversation…

You told me once I would not be forgotten, and yet it is moving that way… I could do all kinds of crazy things, so you can see me, so you remember me… That however is not who I am, I am the girl who screams on the inside… I am the girl who lets people who no longer require her presence, find their way out, no matter how much I want them to stay… I don’t choose to be with those who do not choose to be with me… I will not chase you… I will accept your no thank you as gracefully as I can, and be grateful you blessed me with your presence for the time that we shared… I send you Love and Light, and I hope that should we not meet again in this life that we do in another…

In late June I got a text from my ex …

I had, had to contact him about my camera cord, and could I get it back??? The last time I had remembered seeing it was last summer in his office… We discussed the kids and he said he would see if he could find it for me…
About a week or so later he texted to say he would like to meet at lunch to return it to me… I told him it would be better after work, and he said he had other things to do… So we should meet at lunch, and reluctantly I agreed… I suggested he meet at my work and he said he would take it to my house… I finally just agreed, to just get it over…
Totally dreading meeting with him, I left and headed to my house… I was chanting my how does it get better, and how could this be better than anything I could plan or imagine??? As I flip my blinker on I noticed he was right in front of me… He had been for over a mile, and I had not even noticed…
Now this was the first time I had seen him since his wedding, and the second time talking with him… Back in December there were still tearful moments over the way he had no issues just not speaking with me at all… This is the man who swore that we would always be friends, best friends… Not so much really…
I get out of the car and we talk for a bit, and he gives me my cord… As I am standing there I am watching my reactions, and gauging how my heart rate is… All steady, I ask my body and being about how it feels, all I get is ease and peace… I continue through the whole visit to monitor me, my words, my actions, and reactions… We even discussed my computer and how the camera drive did not work on it… He offered to take a look, so I let him… He complimented my home and was very nice, he of course had no issue whatsoever getting the computer to read my card… ***seriously I had tried like eighteen times and nothing*** … He left and I went back to work…
I of course was looking at it most of the day… Why didn’t I feel anything??? Was I over it??? Had I really let go??? When I got back to work, I was asked if I had had fun??? My reply was I wouldn’t go right to fun, it was however enlightening…
When I got back home that evening, I stood in the grass grounding, pulling my energy back, and just being centered… I pulled all the excess energies out of my field and I asked, what took place today??? It came back you let go, and that is when I realized I had actually let go some time ago, and that what I had not let go of was how hard letting go was…
Making my attachment to the process of letting go, not to the man himself… How brilliant is that??? HAHAHAHA!!! Things that make you go hmmmm???
How does it get even better than that???

How did June fare in the scheme of things??? Not as I would have chosen it to for sure… It turns out my Saturn returns, leaving did take a bit longer than we had seen in January, and when she pushed it out in May it landed at the end of June early July *this was way more accurate**… I did not keep my job, though through some kind people pushing; as well as mercury retrograde I held it longer than had originally been planned… Thank you mercury retrograde **there is a sentence you will rarely hear me use**… Today was my last day, though I am technically on vacation until the end of the month…
I have been trying to make sense of all of this over the last week or so, and not finding the answer to what actually happened… When they called me into the office I knew I was being let go, I just couldn’t see why??? Truthfully I do a great job, and I can complete the work of two almost three people… So it makes little sense… Not to mention the week before, I had a reading and when I asked about my job and was it time to go now??? I was told no that I was to remain two to four months to complete the lessons of why I had been brought there… That another opportunity would arrive at that time… **this timeline turned into two to four weeks**
So I had settled into the whole thing focusing on holding love and compassion for my boss in order to move through the triggers he activated… He triggered just the worst things in me, especially when he would lie to me… I couldn’t, not say horrible things to him… Gratefully the majority of that has passed, and the conversations since have been genuine and kind… I really do not like to be mean to anyone… Of course it is sometimes called for, and yet if it is not necessary I would rather not… I am grateful this relationship is ending, and ending on a kind note is wonderful…
Yesterday, in the late morning I started to get all the pictures of what had taken place… It is such an unusual experience to have happen… I was just standing trying to sort where everyone had gone when all the sudden, this energy started creating pictures… I guess it is like I finally stop pushing my thoughts into a specific direction, which leaves a space for something else to occur… I remember being scattered for a bit, and not really knowing what it all meant… Then at the end of the day, all the stress and such of trying to clean up my work, and finish up the project we had been doing caught up to me while talking to my boss… He had me go into the conference room and he began telling me what had really happened behind the scenes over the last couple months… At which point between the things said by him and those said to me over the last few months, it all began to fall into place… I should have seen it before now and yet I figured out of sight out of mind… **Not this Time**
So to back track a bit, a few months ago everyone I had been working with was either let go or transitioned… My team of five became just me… The other member that remained with the company was transitioned to a new team, also being sent out of town for three weeks **just the worst three weeks really**… During this time so many things took place, setting into motion what would ultimately end my position… I have told you about much of what happened in many of the posts here; and yet it appears I missed one…
On one particular day, a conversation took place about marriage… This conversation was between me and my boss, and the guy that would become the manager of our whole department… This conversation did not show relationships as something that were pleasant; in fact it was quite derogatory regarding how men feel about the woman they marry… This was one of those conversations that set the tone for how I would interact with both of these men in the future… One of the things said by the manager was that he was searching for his next ex-wife, as he had been married many times before… I remember thinking this guy is such a pig!!! I realized somewhere over the next week as conversations such as these played out, this guy was flirting… EWE!!! So not gonna happen… He did not get that I was not interested; though he made no real effort, so I figured that was it… NOPE!!!
When we (my other team member and I) had moved our stations and started transitioning from one manager to another, this guy (the manager) would come by and chat about work, and various other things… He would make little comments, often I was busy and not paying any attention to him… However on one particular day, he was making comments about this former team member and his frame, and I remember thinking WTF??? Then he makes a comment to him about how he and I chat through IM, and how that was just lazy… I realize this seems innocuous, and yet I knew at that moment the manager was trying to impact my point of view around how we (my other team member and I) communicate with each other, as if it is wrong… When it did the complete opposite… However it did confirm what several people had been discussing, about who I had been talking with on IM… Oh the joy of gossip!!!
I questioned this energy a lot over the next couple weeks; I even worked with a friend regarding the intent, to make sure I had not misunderstood what had taken place… Over those last couple weeks, before this manager left for three months on business… I was far from willing to engage in his ego trip, and misguided attempts for my attention… I remember the last couple comments he was irked at my lack of amusement with him… I just wanted him to go, so I could get back to work…
Oh but the ego of the little boy is not easily appeased, when it feels it has been wronged… Shortly after he left on his trip, I began receiving requests for an explanation of what I do, as well as a process manual walking them through each step… I had several heated conversations with my boss, asking was I being replaced??? As these requests were coming from my counterparts, and were quite insistent; as well as worded in a way that came through as if I were being fired… My boss told me again and again that I was not being let go; as we began creating the process documentation for my work… We would also finally be given the project he (my boss)and I had worked to get for me… However that would be given to the team off shore by the manager, with me training them on how to do it, as well as I was to stop all the other work I had been doing and just work orders… We completed this in record time and were given three times the amount of the initial order; this project has great potential to bring in a lot of work for the company… This was the same day I was told I was being laid off for a lack of work… **HAHAHAHA* I was laid off due to a little boy’s ego…
In the conversation with my boss yesterday, it was explained that this manager had wanted me (all of us, my boss and another project lead, and me) fired well over a month before it was actually done, and that he (the manager) had pushed our off shore VP to make it happen… The VP here held it off for as long as he could, and was then forced to make it happen… Gratefully he chose to give us all warning, and a chance to seek another position…
Please know that in this story, I am grateful for those who have continued to back me, to gift me the time to complete what was needed in my journey, and to handle this situation with kindness… I know this could have been so much worse and created a real hardship not only for me, but for the others let go as well…
How does it get better than that???

This is never a good conversation… It simply means we are going to have a long conversation about how much I suck, and then we will no longer be speaking after that…

I have been the lucky recipient of this more than once recently… Don’t get me wrong I knew this was coming… I had just assumed that it would all fade into the woodwork as ending friendships often do… I had figured that after the way everything had gone down at Halloween, I was on borrowed time… It is very hard to admit that only one of you can have the friends at the end of the divorce… It matters not how much time is invested, one partner remains in the group and the other moves on to a new group of friends that doesn’t know the old ones… We like to believe that when we get older we get wiser and we handle our relationships better… It isn’t really true, we still play high school, who is the most popular, who gives the best parties…

I will explain the Halloween thing a bit; for years my ex-husband and I threw the annual Halloween party… Even while I was in the UK, he hosted and I attended by skype… It was a very popular party and everyone discussed it with excitement as it grew close each year and for some time after as well… Though last year my friends and I waited for the announcement and none came… Finally about two weeks before Halloween, my close friend and I began discussing how we could throw the party since it appeared he and his girlfriend were not going to… We made the decision that it would be at her house and I would ask to borrow some of the décor ***after all we were friends, best friends he said*** ; so we pulled together notes and she would let me know after talking to her husband… The next morning I get a message from her that he (my ex) had sent out a Facebook invite to all of our friends for the annual party… I did not need to rush to my computer, she also mentioned that my invite was not there, and that she was sorry, however she was going to the party and we could have a party another time… All my friends, from that part of my life attended the party, all of them knowing I was not invited… One even called me the night of for directions…

Needless to say, I felt a little hurt by this… Since then his new girlfriend/now wife has joined my book club, and been at all the gatherings of our friends… I do not choose to go to these parties any more… I do not see where I need to pretend I want to be friends with people who do not want me around, or are so willing to slide someone new in my place… I have chosen differently, which has come at the cost of a message with the words “we need to chat”… So I met her reluctantly for dinner and shared what was going on with me and then she says well here is the heavy part… Our friend and our other friend and her have been talking and decided that; I don’t answer soon enough, I don’t show up to things, I cancel at the last moment… I must be depressed, have I sought a doctor to see??? I say that I have not been having an easy time of all that is going on in this new life of mine, and that I wait until I am sure I am up for it before I let them know yes or no… She says that only means I am waiting for better offers… Sure if crawling into bed and crying is a better offer??? They just want to help me… I explain the only one that can is me and I am doing the work… This goes on for a while, and then of course it is all better, she has said her peace… All better for her; I smile and agree, it is all better… All the while knowing this is it… It matters not how much you love someone, how many years you have been there for them and them for you, when it is over… It just is…

So the one I did not expect, is the one that called me sister… The one I went to help, the one I spent hours with, working through it all… We met a couple years ago, she insisted we be friends… Lol… Really she did, we met at a meditation group… She asked for my email and phone, I remember thinking she will never follow up… She did, and she pushed at a time when I had no one she pushed to be my friend… We found that we journeyed together, same place in the ending of our long-term relationships, with family, especially mothers… We had the same responses to how our work should look and following our spiritual paths… Seriously if I was going through it, so was she… We held hands through it all, one of us pulling or pushing the other…

I have been distant recently I admit, I have hidden in my bed, crying for months… I have been trying to sort what is going on with me… I am told to be gentle with me, and that this is a hard time for everyone… If I can make it to June it will all start to level out, they didn’t say my needing my space would risk my friendship… They did say I would be going inward, and that many would not be travel past this place with me… If you had said two months ago she would be one left behind, I would have laughed and told you how very crazy you are…

People always surprise me, I shouldn’t be surprised anymore… This type of thing happens over the years, and yet it always surprises me how easy it is to end relationships… I know in a few months this will all look different, however today I wait for an appointment to have my heart broke; again…