What is your belief around these words???
I have been told that my beliefs are dangerous, and addictive…
That to believe that I am an infinite being, is to not fully live this life I have now, as I believe that I can always do it again… That is an interesting point of view…
I have been informed that it is more fulfilling to believe I am finite and to discover that I am infinite life after life; would be a joyful surprise that allowed me to live each life to the fullest… again a very interesting point of view…
I would love to tell you I handled this with grace and ease… It would of course be a big fat lie… The truth is I did not take it well, though I would say there was no way this conversation could or would turn out well… As it started long before this portion of discrediting my core belief system… It frankly was a bear poking bear session that had started for me a couple weeks ago… This particular day my filter was gone, and my emotions were raw, I had not slept well in several days, and we were entering the full moon energy…
None of these reasoning’s are an excuse for behaving badly… Though bad behavior happens, even when it is not the intention… Before this conversation ended I had fully and cognitively stepped over the line completely, into what can only be considered bad behavior… I normally try to avoid this and yet in this case I did not… Welcome back to the land of I cannot undo it, I can simply acknowledge my part in it, forgive and let go…
I have spent the last fifteen years pursuing my spiritual path; I have done it well and not so well at times… Specifically the last three and a half years I have been submerged in finding me… I have been in readings and meditations, lessons, classes on beliefs, I found much that resonates for me, and I have found much that does not, often in the same modality… I have had what has been said are unusual experiences, and I have had what seems to be the norm for others in similar places in their lives…
I have been told I am too selfish, and too selfless, sometimes by the same being… I have been informed that I am doing extremely well, and I have been questioned as to whether I do anything… I have been told I am a good person, and a greedy liar… I am sweet, and I am unfeeling… It has been assumed that I am unhappy, defeated, depressed, and suicidal simply due to my expressions or I have been misunderstood due to someone else’s perception of my wording… I have been asked to make this time all about me, and told to stop being so self-centered…
When looking at all of this my mind reels… I know truly this is all my doing, as I often work my current issue through out loud, offering the person of the moment far too much information, much of which is simply there to see if it is relevant, not definitive at all… It is easy to see where this all could be misconstrued as my truth, as I have laid it there to look at… However I do not see that my manner of sorting is incorrect for me; I do however agree that I will have to be more selective when discussing my thoughts and my emotions, and my overall life… This kind of sucks as I had thought I was safe in those I was choosing to share with…
Clearly not, though this bear poking bear session did illuminate some things for me that I had not fully been willing to look at… Is this really what I want??? Do I want to spend my life defending who I am, my beliefs, my core values to someone who is not willing to let me be what I am, whatever that is in that moment??? Do I want to spend time with, develop a deep heart connection with a man that cannot see past logic??? Do I want to be with someone who cannot see that I am having a tough time, that I am finding my footing, and that I am releasing all that is happening within as to get to a place where I can have ease, which may at times look to be useless emotions??? Is there a place where I can speak even the useless emotions that are moving through me and have it be alright that I feel them and discuss them, as to have them acknowledged and thereby released??? Is there a relationship in which I am allowed to be a hot mess, though it seems to serve no purpose, while in transition???
I have wanted to share, and be shared with so much I did not look at the big picture, I have been so focused on what will it take for this being to open up to me that I got lost in the past… My worry has been that ten years from now I would awaken and look to this man and not know who he was at all, because he refused to share with me… A truly confusing issue as I feel as though I already know him… My fear that I would develop the image of who I thought he was, only to find he was someone else entirely…
I know that the dream portion is the piece I continue to fall back on… The piece that keeps me here, moving forward whatever this relationship is… I can see and feel this man so deeply that it makes my head hurt that he might not be real… ***I can see him standing in the room and I can feel his arms holding me as I rest my head on his chest; this image flips to lying on him in the crux of his arm, again my head on his chest and his arm around me, I can feel the heat of his body, and hear his heartbeat…*** This image is so strong that it is beyond difficult to believe it is not based in the physical… I have questioned it time and again, and yet I know that I know that I know he is… I never thought for a second he would not remember me… This realization was so hard to integrate into me… I stand here now knowing I have done all that I can to accept this, and realizing now that not only does he not remember me, the being I see is deeply submerged within this reality; and I have to accept that he may not choose to remember, or awaken at all… Placing me firmly in my past relationships, by spending years hitting my head against the wall as I can see what is within and yet it cannot see out… At what point do you admit that no matter what you have risked, no matter how much time you have spent, no matter what the cost to your heart and your dreams; it may be that moment you have to throw your hands in the air and say I give, I give in, I give up, I let go???