Good Morning all,
Here I am at my computer in my jammies drinking coffee *which I am not supposed to do* typing random shit. It is raining today which does not make me want to go outside. I am trying to come up with where to start? As I am sure you have seen my the archives of random shit here in my blog I have been through a lot the last few years, and seriously I am ready for a break! I have not done much writing here since last summer-ish, due to job hunting and working and excuses that I have not come up with yet.
I had a reading in February with an amazing psychic, seriously I have not met a more psychic person to date, and trust me I know some very intuitive peeps. I attended his a night with Dougall Fraser, and then I attended his Empowering the Empath workshop, and was inspired to make an appointment for a one on one. The first evening when he came in he looked at me and said we have met before; I replied not in this lifetime. He said this a few times over the evening, which I admit made me feel a bit special in a good way. The following day, he was talking and mentioned that he had participated in various meditations with an Osho community. That is when it hit me, oh he may have been at the ranch or something like that, and maybe that is where he knows me from.
Have I mentioned that my mother is a Rajaneesh??? Or that I grew up in a Rajaneesh commune??? I think there must be a story in the archives about it. What is Rajaneesh, you ask… This is the name for those who were followers of the Bhagwhan Shree Rajaneesh. During his lifetime here he was said to have ascended in his enlightenment to become Osho. You will find many memes on Facebook with quotes from Osho, which I find a bit misleading as most come from his time teaching as Bhagwan Shree Rajaneesh and shouldn’t they have that name if that is when he said it???. But that is not the topic at this moment.
Anyway at the end of the workshop, I mentioned that I grew up in this commune and had he been on the ranch or something like that??? He said no, that Osho was dead by the time he had participated in these meditations; but that this explained why he felt a connection. I was early for my appointment with Dougall the next day, excited and a bit scared of what he would tell me. I have been to many readings, and yet some piece of me knew this would be different than any other; and I was very correct. I got the opportunity to talk with his partner David, another amazing being on the way to my appointment, as well as he sat and chatted with me afterwards for about a half an hour, I would truly love to call these men my friends, they are lovely.
We hug and I sit down asking if I can record our session. He opens with a prayer, and then so is your mother mentally unstable? I laugh and say without thought, yes though she has never been diagnosed that way. He tells me what is coming up and that there are many voices, and that he says oh good guides, and he hears a resounding NO. He gets that she has multiple personality disorder, not to be mistaken with schizophrenia. I wasn’t really able to process this in that moment, though it was very light. We go on to talk about my childhood, my writing, and he tells me that I will be known for my non-fiction before I will be known for my fiction. I have to say with that, I was quite resistant. He says I need to tell my story, that it is riveting *riveting really?*. That I have been programed not to and that it is time to break that program, and that it will be cathartic for me. He recommends some books to read, and asks if I have any questions, are you kidding I have a million questions, though only a few come to mind. Will I get the apartment I applied for? Yes. Will I be working right away??? No, but there will be money; as well as odd jobs over the next year. He says my work life will not be satisfying for a while. What about a boyfriend??? You need to find balance for yourself in order to be in a healthy relationship, and that is the goal this year; establishing balance. To be writing at least three blogs week, and to get my story out *riveting really?*.
I have spent the last month and a half going over the implications of what getting my story out means, and I have to tell you I don’t like how that looks. Which is not to say he is wrong, because I know in the core of who I am, that he is right, and it is time. I just don’t like how it feels to bring it all up again, to tell this story is to live it again; and it was hard enough the first time. I have told pieces over the years and to see those faces flashing before me in stunned silence, and then the same words again and again, how are you so normal, so ok, so whole. Which is not what I see when I look in the mirror, I see the little girl praying this is a mistake and that my daddy, or someone as valiant as a daddy would be, coming to take me away to a place where none of this could happen.
So I am here telling you we are about to embark on a new journey, through my story. I am far from believing it is riveting, and still unconvinced that you even want to know my story. It is not pretty, and there are so many painful places, that I cannot imagine why you would want to even think about that stuff; I know I don’t, but I will, for you and for me. Just promise me, if we get stuck you will take my hand and help me back up and out of that mess.
So I will try to catch you up on what has been going on the last six months, and then we will get to the other stuff. Hold on I have to turn the heat on, close the window, make the bed, clean the kitchen and all the other numerous ways I distract myself from writing. Which once I actually start feels like breath, and I wonder why I do not just do this all day long? It feels good, and like I have opened a piece of me that comes no other way. Oh ya, and we will both be needing a box of tissue, I have mine do you have yours???