Do you know me???

Do you know me??? Can you see me??? Not the body, ME… I love differently than most… What I mean is that I love you now, right now, as soon as I meet you… It is not until you show me the danger in loving you that I show restraint… This is not the norm, nor is it popular… Most beings go the other way, most choose to love over time, once you have shown them you are worthy of their love… I know, yes I know, let me say it again I KNOW you are worthy of my love, I give it freely by choice… In this it is rather like a brick wall, time and time again I am shown it is dangerous to love like this, and yet I cannot stop… I believe you, I trust you, I have no reason to doubt you, and I love you…

Not I am in love with you, this very clearly is spelled out in the wording, to be in love with  (by definition with, means to be accompanied) therefore you would have to be in the same place as me for this to be a truth… Love in this life can be messy, taken for granted, withheld, given and taken away… And yet for me it is that we are here together, we all bring something to the table, and this makes you worthy of all things I can give, love, kindness, compassion, joy, gratitude…

Doubt thou the stars are fire;

Doubt that the sun doth move;

Doubt truth to be a liar;

But never doubt I love.” 
― William ShakespeareHamlet

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It is very clear!!!

It is very clear that the person I used to be is conflicting with the person I am today… What I would have chosen two years ago, is not something I would choose today… Have you ever stood in a room full of people that you know and felt like a complete stranger??? Absolutely everyone knows your name, though few can see you??? Have you ever discovered that things you really used to enjoy you do not any longer??? Did I like them because my friends did??? Did I eat that because someone else liked it??? Do I dress for you or for me??? For me it feels like everything about me has changed and the more I try to be what I used to be the more I just want to run for the hills… I don’t want to harm anyone, I do not want to change anyone, I simply want to be allowed to be who I am without having to justify who that is, in every moment… What difference does it make to you or to me that at one point I did not like caramel and yet today that is what I want??? Why has all this become significant, why is it I keep hearing things like “well you always choose this, you always do this”???  I do not always anything, I am ever changing in every moment with every interaction… How do you change everything about you and yet allow the world you used to be a part of to go on, without you??? How do you remember that though that world continues it does not make you an outsider??? That is the key isn’t it??? Allowing both to be, even though they clash???

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How do I define me???

Let me see where am I in the scheme of things if I were in February??? I am in Portland and still missing home, and yes I do feel like Darlington is more my home than here…Mostly because I know who I am there, even when I do not like what I am, I know her… One of my friends mentioned recently that maybe I should change my facebook home location if I were not returning soon….  Am I returning soon???I think only the Gods know what I will be doing, for now it is in my heart and therefore my home…

Here in Portland it is very difficult not to fall back into the habit of the person I used to be… How do you remember that it is not your job to be all the things other people have used to define your life??? Mother, partner, daughter, friend??? what does all that mean, and how do I show you that I am those things in an entirely different way now??? Why when you need something do I jump to my feet and do everything in my power to get it for you??? Why when I am here do I feel that it is my job, not just that I think it is my job, I feel like you think it is my job??? If I were somewhere else I could sit and allow you to get it for yourself, I could allow you to empower yourself… Why is it, I use all this to define me??? You cannot define me, but more than that I need no definition!!! I am, therefore I am!!!

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Sadness, Loss, Grounding…

Do you get sad??? I do, and often I have no idea why… I just feel sad, I look at my life and it is very clear how lucky I am… So it would seem I have no reason to be sad, and yet I feel sadness…

A few months ago I was sure I was missing being in Portland, and I was feeling sad… I love my friends in Portland, and I love that I can see the beautiful faces of my lovely children in Portland, I see their smiles, and hear their laughter, and I can hug them… I love the beings here so truly and deeply for all that they are and for all that I have become through the joy of having them in my world… I love that when I return here they are here and it feels as if no time has passed at all… In this I also find myself slipping into old habits that no longer suit, or even feel like me…

I love my life in Darlington as well, I found that I allowed myself the freedom to be the being I had not let myself be before… I used to choose what you would choose, I used to want what you wanted, I used to see what you saw, I used to feel what you felt… At some point in Darlington I found that I did not choose what you had chose, I no longer wanted what you wanted, I could see beyond what you saw, and I did not feel only what you felt… Suddenly and without thought I chose what I liked what brought me joy, I saw through my eyes, and the world opened in a way I had not thought, I felt what was truly mine and could still distinguish what you were feeling… At some point in the walk to Caffe Nero, I found peace with me and my choices, the knowing that I am who I am…That the being I am is good, worthy, lovely, and joyful… It is very difficult to walk into places day after day and not notice the beings that light when you enter, and after a while you have to stop and consider why they always light when you come in… Eventually even I had to admit that it had everything to do with me, you can only claim coincidence for so long before it becomes clear that it is the usual… I have spent a very long time telling everyone that I am the same, doing everything to blend in, telling you that I am nothing special… That is not true! I am very special, I am not the same as you, and I very much stand out! Thank God For That!!! I could not light you up if I were ordinary, you would not be in my life if I were ordinary… I live an extraordinary life, and I attract extraordinary people into my life! Thank God for You!!!

Here I am back in Portland and finding my balance between Darlington and Portland has been a little shaky… What would it be like if I were able to feel the peace of my being in every moment??? What if I did not feel that I must choose for someone other than me??? What would it be like if I could be anywhere on this magnificent globe and know that I am home??? What would it be like if I were the grounding force to my own balloon???

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Happy Holidays! A bit late, yet completely Heart felt!!!

I hope you all had an Awesome Holiday!!! Whatever your chosen celebration, my heart wishes you much joy!!!

I had a joyful visit with my friends at a birthday party just after arriving here * my gratitude to Mark for the gift of a party, and to my friends for showing me once again how much love they bring to my life*… I have had the joyful opportunity of seeing and spending time with family through the last week… Even when we seem to be filled with friction, I love them more than I could ever say, I truly hope that they each have a lives filled with all the joy there is…

We are transiting in a whole new world, in a whole new way, in a whole new year, how exciting and fun filled can this be for each of us??? I am  truly and deeply grateful for each and everyone of you, and I wish you all the most joyful choices to be brought into your lives… What would it take for us all to choose ease and joy for ourselves in every moment??? How can it be even better than that??? What else is possible???

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Are you trying to tell me something???

Oh the resistance of it all… I started packing two days before I had to leave for London, this may have been a mistake… Somehow it all piled up upon me… If you have ever seen me pack you would understand what I mean… I sit and consider what will go and where it will be placed in the bags for quite a while before making the decision of yes or no, and then putting it in the bag… This went on for two days, until about two hours before the taxi arrived to take me to the train station… I think this time there may have been a resistance to leaving that I had not noticed until the last week…

Happily I was transported to the train station and to London with little resistance once my bags were packed *which is saying something considering I was hauling 8 bags through London on the tube*… I left the space at the Art Center very tidy and thanked it for all that it had been for me, over the last five months… I had time with my peeps right up until the night before I left *which I sooooo needed*…

I arrived at the hotel grateful for a bit of time to myself before flying to the US… I love being with my family and friends, however the world I live in, in Portland is so different from the world I live in, in the UK… In the UK I get up when I wanna, and go where I wanna, and don’t if I don’t wanna… I eat and don’t eat what and when I wanna… In the US, I am in a group, and in groups of family and friends you all come to agreements together, this is lovely, though foreign to me over the last six months…  Really the only agreement I would have to make was which coffee shop of six coffee shops were we gonna meet at??? In some cases I would visit four of them over the day *this is a great day*… My kids would never allow that kind of meandering through the day… *Deep Breath*

While in London, I reorganized all luggage to fit into three checked bags and the allowed carry on bags, and played on facebook…

The morning of my flight I was ready early *unusual*, and called down to have a trolley brought up to take my luggage to the Hotel Hopper… Here is where the fun begins… Are you sure you are going back to the US??? The lady at the front desk forgot to send me someone up, so I called again, explaining I had to catch the hopper in five minutes… She says no worries she will come and get the bags and they will hold the hopper for me… She did pick up the bags, however the the hopper stopped and left before they even noticed him, he did not come in as he was to do… She ended up calling me a cab…

I arrive at the airport about twenty minutes behind, and proceed to adjust all bags for checking… I get to the checking counter and he tells me I must pay for the bags again… I argue the point, and then to make my flight, I figure I will go for the refund at the other end… I can not of course pay the guy that I am checking my luggage with, I have to go to the other end of the airport to pay them and get my luggage checked in there… Of course this take quite a while, and while this lady is helping me, she is also coaching her co-workers through their customers… I express that I would like to make my flight, and she gets both bags checked and I watch them go into the baggage shoot together, and the lady tells me that I should run to make my flight *Really Ya Think???*… I arrive at my terminal as they are beginning the boarding of my plane *luckily for me they were ten minutes behind schedule*… Anyway, my complete gratitude that I am actually on the plane, the people I am sat with are lovely and easy to be sat next to *how does it get better than that???*…

I arrive nine hours later in Dallas, Texas for my four hour lay over *that should be plenty of time to get through customs and to my next flight right???*… I go to collect the bags I have to take through customs, and then recheck for last leg of my journey back to Portland… Apparently just because the bags were paid for together, and then put into the baggage conveyor together does not necessarily mean they will both be put on the plane together… After searching the bags on the baggage claim conveyor, of which none of my bags are on, I am told that they have been removing them and piling them up on the other side of the conveyor *why???*… I search and search for any of my three bags and finally locate one and then another *not together, yet there*… I go to the counter to see if I can get some assistance in finding them, when an assistant takes the tag number and goes off to see if he can find it… Nope, and then I am refferred to the customer service rep at the counter, I speak to the lady at the counter, and she checks her system, it was not even put onto the plane… Really how is that possible??? She says it shows a scan into Heathrow, and that it was not placed on any other planes, that it simply had been left behind… So not lost, just not put on the plane *hmmmm*… At this Point I am beginning to think the word for the day is Determination, do you really wish to go back??? Is someone trying to tell me something??? Does it really need to be this difficult??? What if I could just make this journey with ease??? I head towards the customs lines with a form to file in Portland upon my arrival… By the time I make it through customs, and the baggage dibacle, I have less than an hour to make my connection on the other end of the airport *seriously three hours for customs???*… Gratefully, I have ten minutes for a burger before boarding my next flight *which is also late*… Do you think the universe was trying to tell me something??? I made the plane and landed in Portland sixteen hours after leaving London that morning…

I am safe and slightly worn, I seriously didn’t even see Mark and Daniel waiting for me until I almost tripped over them… We collected my bags and headed for CPR, my favorite McMenamins restaurant… A great Burger and a Ruby Beer 😀 !!!

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Wow, it’s getting closer…

I leave for London in just over a week… I cannot even tell you how odd this is… Time is such a funny construct, sometimes it seems like it will not move and then woooosh it has flown by… So my time here is getting busier as we go, I keep thinking I do not need to start packing yet, though I am upon the time where I will need to make definite plans for all that has been accumulated here in this beautiful little town of Darlington, England… I have been extremely blessed this visit, I have made many new friends and had the opportunity to get closer with those I met last visit…

A Very Special Thank You to all of you; Janet, Emma, Joan, Shelly, Steve, Alan, Dave, Lainey, Louise, Michelle, Jan, Diane, Peter, Ian, Jesse, Karma, Tom, Leanne, Shenade, Angela, John, Paul, Shreekant, Mina, Astrid, Issy, Edwina, Heather, Pamela, Jenny, and many many more that have let me call them friends… There are no words to express how blessed I am to have all of these beings sprinkled into my life… Thank You for assisting me in creating the joy in my life… I shall be thinking of you all…

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I love visitors, and friends…

Last week, I had some visitors from Germany these three lovely girls stayed two nights with me… They are avid Harry Potter fans *which is my middle name* and they had been visiting sights around the UK having to do with the writing and movies… They came to Darlington so that they could see the Cathedral in Durham, where they filmed the first two/three movies *I have gotten different info on this*… The Cathedral is beautiful and they were lucky to be there during the Christmas Fayre… As well as the lighting of the Christmas Tree in Darlington, and our Christmas Market… They left early on Friday for Stonehenge, and then back to Germany… How fun is that???

Louise, Janet, and I had a Stall in the Market… I have to say the company was warm, though the air was very very chilly… I think I am made for sunny places…

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It’s coming on Christmas their cutting down trees…

You can tell it’s getting close to Christmas when all I want to do is bake… I get very sentimental this time of year, and try to create a post card, romantic song, movie life… Unfortunately it rarely works…

I love to cook and the kitchen I have is less than conducive to mass baking… A couple years ago, I decided to send everyone cookies and treats for Christmas, and I baked for a week and a half… I baked 12 different kinds of cookies and made fudge, peanut brittle, and a couple kinds of cake… I sent them out to all of our family all over the country, I delivered them to my kids and their friends… I gave them to our friends and took them to parties… What I did not do, was to eat any of them… I had a grand time making and sharing them… I made scones and breads last year, sprinkled with 3 or 4 kinds of cookies, I gave them to the girls in Nottingham, and a few friends here… I have started to bake some cakes this year, cakes are not as big of a project, and do not require the same space as a variety of cookies…

What I would truly love is to have the big kitchen, a huge beautiful Christmas tree, a fireplace, and lots of old Christmas songs playing while I create a mass of sweets that would give any school room of children a big tummy ache… It’s coming on Christmas their cutting down trees…

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Gratitude???

Everyone was posting their feeling of gratitude the other day on the US holiday Thanksgiving, and I have to say I was really rather irritated by it… Not because they were being all grateful, not even because I wasn’t, more because I wasn’t there to be with them…  I know that sounds terrible, though that is how I felt…

I am grateful for so much really… For instance this morning I was blow drying my hair and thinking of my housemate that had been so kind as to have let me use his hairdryer, since mine had overloaded a couple months ago… I am grateful that I am not the one who has had to take the smelly garbage out to the street… I am grateful, to have made friends with those people who live in my building, and I am grateful that when they irritate me and I am a bit sharp, that they forgive me and do not stop taking to me all together, and I am grateful that when they are rude to me that I am able to put it aside and forgive them as well… I am truly grateful for the smile that lights up the people I love, when I walk in a room and they are happy to see me ( a phenomenon that to this day completely blows me away)… I am grateful for all those who have said they will miss me, which for me means I will be in their thoughts and how does it get better than that??? Really how can you ask for more than the joy of knowing you have made such an impact on someone that they will remember you???

Someone told me this story once, about a bucket, it goes something like this… If you want to know your impact on the world get a bucket of water and put your hand in it, splash around, make all the disturbance you like, and then remove it, this is your impact on the world… Words cannot express my horror of the truth of this message… That no matter what I did, or was in this world, I would not have any impact, and that I am completely expendable… I still cannot bring myself to hold this as true for me, and maybe in the grand scheme of things I am easily replaced… For me you are not, for me each of you makes an impact on my life, for me even when I forget to say so, you are my world, my love, my life… Should you see fit to replace me, I have found that I cannot replace you… I can move on in my life and on my journey make new friends, new loves, new family,  have new adventures, I cannot however replace you, you will forever have made an impact on me and my journey… I will have changed irrevocably through knowing you, through loving you, through traveling (however briefly) with you on this journey we call our lives… So when I say that I am truly surprised when your eyes light up when you see me walk in the room, it comes from a place of true and deep gratitude that you have found me worthy of the light that brings you joy, and thereby shines through the smile you share with me… Thank you from my heart for all that you are…

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