Do you get sad??? I do, and often I have no idea why… I just feel sad, I look at my life and it is very clear how lucky I am… So it would seem I have no reason to be sad, and yet I feel sadness…
A few months ago I was sure I was missing being in Portland, and I was feeling sad… I love my friends in Portland, and I love that I can see the beautiful faces of my lovely children in Portland, I see their smiles, and hear their laughter, and I can hug them… I love the beings here so truly and deeply for all that they are and for all that I have become through the joy of having them in my world… I love that when I return here they are here and it feels as if no time has passed at all… In this I also find myself slipping into old habits that no longer suit, or even feel like me…
I love my life in Darlington as well, I found that I allowed myself the freedom to be the being I had not let myself be before… I used to choose what you would choose, I used to want what you wanted, I used to see what you saw, I used to feel what you felt… At some point in Darlington I found that I did not choose what you had chose, I no longer wanted what you wanted, I could see beyond what you saw, and I did not feel only what you felt… Suddenly and without thought I chose what I liked what brought me joy, I saw through my eyes, and the world opened in a way I had not thought, I felt what was truly mine and could still distinguish what you were feeling… At some point in the walk to Caffe Nero, I found peace with me and my choices, the knowing that I am who I am…That the being I am is good, worthy, lovely, and joyful… It is very difficult to walk into places day after day and not notice the beings that light when you enter, and after a while you have to stop and consider why they always light when you come in… Eventually even I had to admit that it had everything to do with me, you can only claim coincidence for so long before it becomes clear that it is the usual… I have spent a very long time telling everyone that I am the same, doing everything to blend in, telling you that I am nothing special… That is not true! I am very special, I am not the same as you, and I very much stand out! Thank God For That!!! I could not light you up if I were ordinary, you would not be in my life if I were ordinary… I live an extraordinary life, and I attract extraordinary people into my life! Thank God for You!!!
Here I am back in Portland and finding my balance between Darlington and Portland has been a little shaky… What would it be like if I were able to feel the peace of my being in every moment??? What if I did not feel that I must choose for someone other than me??? What would it be like if I could be anywhere on this magnificent globe and know that I am home??? What would it be like if I were the grounding force to my own balloon???