Dreams And Delusions

Well it’s done… I have booked my tickets back to London for late next month… From London, I travel back to Portland…

My heart is so sad to be leaving here again, it is very strange to know you live in more than one place… I am not sure why I feel this way, I know I am very excited to be going back to the US… To be with my kids and hug all those that I have been missing so much… Though some piece of me expected that things would be different, that maybe I would be staying here??? That maybe I would have found a home here that I would not be leaving, only traveling to and from… Only to find that the space I have been calling home is not where I would return to…

Everyone keeps asking are you coming back??? Truth, I have no idea… Yes, I will be back here, when and where is the part that floats about… I have built a little life here… So much so that I generally run into someone I know while I am out and about each day… That is how you can tell that you live somewhere, when you walk down the street and you are greeted by people you have met, you know that is where you live… You are part of them…

I really thought I would live here in Darlington much longer than a few months, I mean come on the town is called Darling-ton… How could you not love that??? It is such a lovely little town, so England, so light (for towns around this area)… There are so many lovely people, and they make it very easy to be part of them, even with a clearly foreign accent, they let you fold right in… Granted my accent is quite easy to pick out, though they know my name, they greet me in the line at Starbucks, they confirm my drink four or five people back in the line in caffe Nero… The little gal that works at the express Sainsbury stops me on the street to tell me what she is up to on the weekend, and one of the guys that works there also knows me by name, though I am sure I have never said… I have made many friends, that I see often…Thank you…

What do you think of light??? Now I should clarify that in this particular case I am speaking of the light you use to light a room, you will find that I speak of light often and generally I am meaning the light of Spirit and Soul… However this time am speaking of the light we use to see from day to day…
There is a house kitty corner across the way from the Art Center where I live and I find myself getting lost in it when I am cooking in the kitchen… The house is white with red trimmings and many dark green bushes, there are old fashioned pole lights at the entrance and the glow from the front window is this soft orangy color… It looks like Christmas in a movie… It is so beautiful!!! It feels like those scenes in it a wonderful life or little women, where your standing out in the snow and looking in at a family around the piano singing Christmas carols… It feels so warm and friendly that it actually makes me aches to go there…
There is a similarly lit business on the other side of the fish and chips shop, that is lit all warm and come in and visit, that I sometimes want to go in and visit, though I have no need for a mortgage refinance…
Do you have favorite lighting’s??? Is there a place that is lit that brings you a warm and fuzzy feeling??? That house makes me cry it looks so friendly…

We got the last of our housemates moved in, in October… Two females moved into the flat at the back side of the building… They are friends and their room is an actual two room flat, all inclusive with bathrooms, and a proper kitchen… Their names are Shenade and Leanne, they settled right in and began the ritual drinking gatherings that had become common place for the last couple months…

Fortunately before October ended everyone had settles to hosting parties in their own spaces, or headed out on the town… It got much colder in October and thereby much colder where there is no heat within our massive building… So our rooms are much more comfy for hanging out…

I also had the incredible opportunity to host Joshua James and his band… We had Joshua, Evan, Issac, Scott, and Ryan stop over for a couple nights… http://www.facebook.com/joshuajamesband?ref=ts&fref=ts … It was so amazing to have them visit, I cannot express how much I have missed being able to just chatter on about what ever, without having to stop and enunciate and in turn translate my English to British English… I was so happy to be able to talk to people who came from my neck of the woods… These poor guys came straight from London to my place and were completely knackered and I just wanted to chatter on… Anyway we got them all settled, and the next day I was able to briefly show them Darlington, before they headed off to play their concert… Their concert ended up being on the same night as Tom’s birthday, how fun is that??? So my friend Paul, Tom, Karma, and I all went to the concert which was sooooo amazing!!! This band plays from a place of heart connection, a true gift… We had a great time, and then went back to hang out in our humongous house… We were joined by another performer from that night a lady named Pip… The night turned into day, and then they were off to Scotland for their next concert… I am so excited to see where they go from here… How lucky we all were to have them come to visit… I hope to see them when I get back to the states… May all your dreams come true… Thank you so much for being you…

Lets see what was going on September we had a new member of our household come in…

Karma would move in almost a month after us, well she started moving small stuff over a little at a time, and didn’t actually sleep over for the first month… Karma got a suite of rooms, a bedroom, living room, closet/hallway, bathroom, and a true kitchen… Her rooms are on the third floor above the Garden Bar… She didn’t have any carpet of wood flooring, her main room was just the basics… Karma is one of those sweet girls wrapped in a tough exterior, with a heart that is huge…

Janet and I ventured up to Edinburgh to poke around the Elephant House Cafe… This is the cafe where JK Rowling wrote Harry Potter… If you know me you know how much I love these books… They changed my life, they changed my sons life and for that they will hold a place in my heart like no other… My son and I read these books out loud to each other, we started when he was in the sixth grade, half way through the first I was buying the next two… We would wait with the rest of the world on the edge of our seats to get the next one… My son was 19 when the last one was released, and we locked the front door and spent the weekend reading… Switching back and forth when we were too emotional to continue, or just hoarse from non stop talking… Someday I will be besties with JK, mostly cause I just have to… How amazing to be the woman behind these stories…

Janet and I got off the bus on Princess street and walked up to the park, and past the swing dancers, dancing beside the museum… We walked up to the cafe and had lunch and took pictures like everyone else… We also ventured to the nearby cemetery, to see if the tablets contained names of characters… When we entered the gates, an older gentleman who was closing the main building asked in a very adorable Scottish accent if he could help us find something??? I told him that I had heard there were character names on some of the tablets, he said that it had never been confirmed that she had taken names from here… However if we ventured this way we would find a tablet with the name McGonagall, he said this was a very well known poet and tragedian… He says this stone reads the death in 1902, however the stone was placed after the release of the first movie… Then he directed us down to another tablet that reads Tom Riddle and his son Tom Riddle, this one reads 1819 and has been there since then…. I think we have a winner!  We headed back to the bus area after stopping at Starbucks (of course), and then back into Darlington… We had a lovely day out…

Things had started to settle in the big house by the end of September, and we began our regular everyday stuff… Yes we would still be having get togethers  from time to time but for the most part went back to lives we had led before the adventure of this big old building…

OMG!!! The building I live in is massive! We moved in the first week of August… They would be placing eight of us in the Darlington Art Center… The rules are that we are to keep curtains and things moving about so that should someone look in it looks lived in… Easy enough, take the shades up during the day, down at night… Use the main areas…

Three of us moved in the first day, Jesse, Simon and I…

Jesse got the dance studio, his ceilings are about 25 feet up into the rafters, his room is mostly square and all wooden floors… He also has a whole wall of mirrors (I remember cringing when seeing this room over all the mirrors)… Jesse is from Brisbane, Australia… He is really funny, poor guy has my sense of humor so we end up laughing at everything…

Simon got the Garden Bar, his room has a kitchen, that was the room I had wanted… It is dark blue and has a stage… It was once a pub, which is why there is an area to set up a kitchen… (you should know that when I say kitchen what I mean is there are outlets for plugging in appliances, and there is running water, there are no appliances provided, we all had to be very creative)… Simon is nice, though he keeps to himself, he is from this area…

I got the Club Room, this is where they had meetings and such, I have had many people tell me of classes they took in my room, as well as what it looked like before it was the Club Room… It was many years ago a pub; though since then they have enclosed a portion of it, and plastered over several windows… My room is approximately 1000 square feet, with dark blue carpet, 16 foot ceiling, 5 sets of doors (2 lead outside), 13 windows (each 3′ x 7′ )… I have set up a bedroom, living room, crafting area, and office area…

Jesse and I agreed that we would like to share a kitchen and began creating it right away, it seemed we each had what the other didn’t, and if neither of us had it someone would show up with it… I realize that sounds like I am being funny, I am not, the two of us and this amazing building somehow pulled together a complete kitchen and common space in a very short amount of time… One particular day, I had walked into the kitchen to make something and had thought “it would be nice to have a butter dish”, the next day Jesse came back from Ikea and said I got you a butter dish”…. This kinda thing happened all the time…

We had for the first two months security guards round the clock, in the moving of all of this building they had to move Darlington’s art collection, so while they were awaiting it’s transition it was required by insurance that someone be on sight 24 x 7 to make sure no one made off with it… The great part of this was that we had Dave! Dave is a wonderful guy and fun to chat with, and he had been working in this building for 30 years… So he knew everything about the building and he knew what they would be throwing out… So if we needed something, that was gonna be thrown in the skip, he would let us know in case we might want it… I got most of my furniture this way, and refurbished it… We had furniture stacked up all over that was gonna go different places and we were able to use it until such time as they took it off where ever it might be going… That is why we had a fridge right away… So between this amazing building, Dave knowing the amazing building, and a great site called freecycle, I furnished my room, and we pulled together a kitchen, including a washing machine for almost no money in under a month…

Our next housemate would be Ian… He would move in about two weeks after us, Ian is from Darlington, and he got the really big room his had been the Dining Hall/Break Room… His room is the only one with cable, and he also has a kitchen, there had also been a pub this room, so he has a full sized kitchen area, with large sinks and shelves… His room is approximately 1500 square feet, with sliding glass doors and huge Windows like mine, he also has a bedroom space as well as a huge closet… He was the first one to see the rooms and had first pick… (yep I was a little jealous)…Ian tends to be very trendy, and used to frequent this building when it had the pub in the entry (now our kitchen)…

Tom would be in next… Tom is also from Darlington, and he was placed into the Music Room… His room is in the large glass hallway… His room is about 600 square feet with 16 foot ceilings… Tom is very cheerful, and willing to help…

So these are the players for August, we would spend a lot of time getting our spaces sorted and hanging out in the common room getting to know each other, with a mixture of different security guards thrown in… We would have Dave during the day and various others in the night… It got to a point that some would get so familiar that they would think they were part of the group, and a few were even drinking and carrying on with everyone… You can see how there might of been time where it got a bit out of control…

I thought the tumultuous was done now??? I am headed back to the UK, to stay with my friend Joan…

Upon arrival all my plans begin to unravel… I spent a couple days in London, and then to County Durham, only to realize Joan was out of town for the next week… So somewhere in transit I managed to find another hotel in a less than preferable area for a few more days… While I tried to reconnect with the people I know here in England, thankfully I was able to do so somewhat easily… Once I had settled into Joan things started to become clear… I had lovely visits with Joan, Janet, Paul and Shelly… Joan and I went on an incredible day to the sea, collecting rocks and shells, and enjoying the beauty of Seaham… All this assisted in my sorting things out, it became very clear that I would need to find another place to live while staying in the UK…

So I set out to make that happen, while watching the ads for flat shares, I stumbled across the opportunity to live in the Darlington Art Center… The Darlington Art Center is a gorgeous old Gothic building that had been used by the town of Darlington up until July 2012, as a public space for arts crafts, and also had a neighborhood pub… I was able to secure a room that is about a thousand square feet, along with a common area almost twice that size… I would guess the entire building is over 25000 square feet and in place is four stories high… It has a very colorful history including some ghost stories… We are all able to live there as property guardians, which means we keep squatters and vandals away, by being about all the time… I would be moving into my room, in August, and would spend the last week of July at Shelly’s…

Time to get going again, I have made the decision to go back to England… I have to get my tickets, pack my bags, and clear up as much life baggage as is possible before boarding a plane for the UK…

Why does that song all my ex-es live in Texas come to mind??? June finds me single for real this time… There are still cards saying someone is coming, though he has yet to show up… I have been told time and time again I have called him in and he is here, that it is simply a matter of him showing up… They say there is nothing I can do, no where I need to be, he knows where I am and he will find me… I know he is there, I can feel him, though I can not see him or touch him… I suspect that the baggage, closure, letting go has something to do with it???

The universe has seen fit to show me all the endings this month… Have I mentioned that I am not that great at endings??? I tend to tantrum through them… It’s like the proverbial; you can walk in holding your head up and accepting it, or you can be dragged in kicking and screaming, either way your going… I have much to my own dismay, more often than not chosen the kicking and screaming… Not so pretty and it takes a while to get yourself all sorted out, once you have realized it’s all over and here you are… You stop and take a look into the mirror and think; It wasn’t so bad??? What was that carrying on all about??? *sigh* Breathe…

May was far from an easy month… Though it seemed mild and easy… We had the eclipse starting all the energies flowing and fussing everything up again… So many of my relationships turned topsy turvy this month….

You know how you have these people in your life that are so everyday, and have been for so long that you don’t really even realize they are there… Not the ones you go to see, or visit with… Not even the ones you are close with and consider when you are thinking of those you love… These are the people that have faded into the woodwork of your life… The ones far into the background, the ones that shape our lives and are rarely seen, we know they are there annoying the situations, or being that constant reminder of why you don’t just leap and jump into stuff, you may actually make a jump or leap that will connect you, bind, tie you to this person for a lifetime through an action that lasts just a moment… Well for me several of these began to dissipate in the month of May…
I realize that this sounds like a good thing, however as much as I would have to say that it is/was a good thin,g it was also so incredibly hard to realize that feeling of having them about was gonna leave, was gonna stop being… What if it was so much a part of me that I couldn’t exist without it??? What if they forgot me, and everything I had been??? Granted these beings had not thought nice things of me in a very longtime, if at all??? If they are no longer a part of me, I would never have the chance to change that again…
We like to say that we get closure, or that I am over him/her, that was so yesterday… Do we ever truly get over them??? Is it really possible to get closure and move on??? Aren’t these beings forever a part of who you are and have become??? When a similar situation comes up with a new person in your life don’t you stop even if it is ever so briefly, and consider the choice and the outcome reflected from the original??? I know I do, I also pat myself on the back when I find I have made a far healthier choice than the original…
The empty space left from beings that had been in my life so far back as I could remember, felt the size of the Grand Canyon… My natural instinct was to try and fill it back up again…

April… We traveled down through Oregon to California to visit family… We got to see Mark’s brother and his family, then we made our way to the magical kingdom of Sir Mickey Mouse… We spent several days playing in the park, and just enjoying sunshine and being kids… Then down to Indio to see Mark’s Dad… Then to Arizona 😀 , into the warm (oh how I love the warm) visiting my mom, and his, for over a week before venturing back to the great northwest… April was a very busy month of visiting, and remembering…
This was a very transformational month, for many things that had been hovering in the air, settled and completed… Many that I had not realized, and many that brought me peace, in knowing that I had known all along… How does it get better than that???

I spent a few days in London before flying back to the US… When I got back my kids were at the house and I was so excited to hug them… I saw all my friends at a dinner a few nights later, and then spent several weeks readjusting to my surroundings… Mark and I would be leaving at the end of the month for our two week adventure through California and Arizona… I had the opportunity to speak with Divine Grace, to get some clarity on what I had been feeling… For instance upon touchdown of the plane I knew that I would be returning soon to England and that I was to speak to Joan about staying with her… I also spent a lot of time with my friends Lana and Marybeth, for an intensive period of transformation… So much had gone on within me internally since I had left in September; so much that I had no idea how to express it all… I cannot even fathom who or what I would be like without all the amazing people who held my hand through the last year and a half… My gratitude for each of the people in my life is beyond anything I could truly express, I hope that I have been for them just a glimmer of that the Amazing-ness they have been for me!!! If I am not I hope that I can be someday…