Once upon a time long long ago, there was a man that I depended on everyday… Nearly every day I would walk into his office, and proceed to vent my frustration upon him… I would say I do not understand??? Why would they continue to do this or that, can’t they see that it blah blah blah or blank each time they do this??? Why do they not simply see*blah blah blah or blank*???” And he in turn would reply to me almost every day “I understand your frustration, and I cannot say you are wrong… I agree that you are being logical, or using your common sense, in fact you are right…” Over these few years that we worked together, this amazing man became my best friend… Not because he agreed with me, but because he also would tell me time and time again *with extreme patience*, despite my refusal to see it, “It is not that they are wrong, it is that they do not think like you…” “You are right treating a person, in a kinder manner, does change how they treat you, not everyone can see this, they simply do not think like you…”
I cannot even tell you how many times he said these words to me, I cannot tell you how many times I have heard them since, whether it was in his voice or someone else’s… Clearly there are things that I just cannot get past… I still catch my words before I say them, considering carefully how they will impact me or someone else to the best of my ability… Not that there are not moments that I do not totally wish I could recall my words before I have even finished issuing them… Not that there are not a million times that I simply look stunned because I cannot find a way to say what must be said in a way that is kind and therefore end up looking as though I am completely void of any feeling whatsoever… There are also many times I ram through realizing I just have to suck it up and let it out… How do you place everyone in the same restrictions as yourself; when you cannot even keep to your own rules???
This beautiful man, this wonderful friend of mine, this amazingly patient being, he passed away a week before I was to leave for another position, that he had helped me secure… He did not even know what he meant to me, he did not know he was my best friend because I could not bring myself to tell him… He did not know in how many ways I had changed who I would become simply from his words… When he died, I was so crushed, so broken, completely devastated; honestly I cried for three months, I mean for three months tears fell down my cheeks, often I did not even know… Someone would ask why I was crying??? I could not answer… My heart broke, I would go to tell him something and I would realize he was not going to be at the other end of the line, email, or at work… I was not successful at this new job, and basically everything in my world fell apart… My relationship of six years ended, I left my home of several years, my only familiar was my children, and that summer they were away most of the time… I just had not lost someone so very close to me before this, and I not know how to cope… I have since lost my dad and many friends, not that it is easy but it has not been the shock it was then… Like anyone that leaves this life, you reach for them out of habit, only to realize they are gone…
For me it is very easy to see I was simply grieving the loss of a friend, my confidant, someone I knew would not judge me when I was being thick headed and refusing to see what was right in front of me… It is something hardly anyone cannot understand and forgive, on some level… Death is a factor of this world, this life, it is the nature of the game, someone will start and someone must end… None of us get to take this body with us… So when you are crying, venting, hurting, and just outright being vulnerable from the death of a friend or family member it takes very little for another being to nod in understanding, and somehow find the patience to tolerate you…
So with all this said, what do you do when you have lost a friend that has not died??? A friend that would pick up the phone though would prefer not to… What do you do when no one understands that you have lost the one you told everything to??? That person, you called to tell exciting little stuff, crappy day stuff, amazing big stuff??? What do you say when everyone thinks you must have been a terrible friend and that is why this person no longer talks to you??? How do you recover when you have not done anything wrong other than being who you are??? How do you grieve a friend who left not because they were angry, they simply found another friend, who doesn’t allow both friendships??? The response is “this person is not worth it, their loss, clearly they weren’t your friend if they could do that, and a hundred other cliché’ type things… These are all the typical comments, and yet it does not change the habits, or reactions… Every day I go to share and every day I have to stop myself from calling, texting, emailing some little thing that reminds of this person… Like I saw a bumper sticker or I am now working in this place and you won’t believe what I am doing, I nearly fell out of my chair when someone said… So many things happen and though I know they are getting fewer and fewer, they still happen every day… Its much harder when you know you could call, and talk, but you are not welcome… I think; how could it be true that anyone is not worth it??? How could I have been so wrong??? How is it I could give my friendship or my love to someone who would choose this??? How could anyone just throw you away, just stop talking to you, or replace you??? How could it be that I have found another person who has contingencies for love or friendship??? I thought when you love; you love because you can, not because you fulfilled some expectation of another??? Here is where I hear those words again, “not everyone thinks the way you do…” If you listen really closely you can hear my screaming frustrated words “Why Not???” Why can’t we just love??? Why can’t we just be kind??? Why can’t we just be friends??? Why is it that we have to pay for loving someone, with our hearts???