The man sat in that chair and told me I need balance! He said “your life is a series of extremes!” He said “I could not have a love in my life at this time, because I project those extremes on him; and that it is too much for anyone to handle!” He said “I needed to take a year and find balance!” He said “I needed to make friends, to ask for friends.” I have spent the last six months trying to remember this, trying to let it all go and find balance!
What The Fuck is balance?
How do you find balance?
What does it look like?
Where does it hide?
Only to have it all go belly up, again and again. No job, job, changing jobs. Friends, no friends, changing friends. This is insane; it just keeps becoming pear shaped over and over again. I find just a bit of anything even a little secure and it is pulled out from under me, time and time again. Then you ask me why I cling? That is truly funny; the real question should be why don’t I?
Apparently I must be quite delusional, because I thought I was one of the lucky ones. I thought those people I kept close to me, those sacred few. Also kept me close to them. But it turns out, not so much. Everyone has a “it depends”, don’t they? From my kids, to those I confide in “it depends”. If you behave this way, then yes, if you behave that way then no. If I share with you then yes, if you are asked to share with me “it depends”. If you go on a trip, I can be friends with those you are close to; if you are home then only if I go through you first. I am valuable to you only when I do as you believe I should. I am not worthy of your friendship, but you will accept mine.
It is an interesting world we live in.
I am so beyond words right now. I do not know how to explain the Energy that is in MOTION throughout my being in this moment. Of those that I love, those that I have held close in my world, those that I have chosen to entrust with my confidences. It seems I am not trusted in return; some have gone so far as to say “I have disappointed them” and others well “it depends”. I do not have the right to be close to their world, though I believed I already was; at least in some form. However it turns out that only I have seen it that way. Does that make me delusional?
I don’t get it; the more I let go the more I have taken from me. The more I try to remember that I do not get to choose for others. That mine is to accept, allow, and let go of the choices that others make for themselves, even when their choices impact me; all the while remembering that I too have the right to choose for myself. The more situations come up for this lesson. Shouldn’t it be done by now?
Balance in work; how do I have, balance in work when I have to work all the time just to make sure everything gets paid… Balance in love; how does one have balance in love when everyone seems done with me now? Balance in health; how do I have balance in health when I am battling a never ending cycle of this vitamin and that detox with this diet and that drink, don’t eat that, try this, no I mean that, have you tried?
He said “I need balance”, that “my soul was tired.” He said “I could not rely on a love or a single friend.” That I needed to find a support group, build new friendships, find a handful of people and build a new life. He didn’t say how!
He did say, as I keep hearing chanted over and over through my head, that “this person wouldn’t hurt me, though he wouldn’t invest any more into the relationship.” So there you are.
What I really want is to have a lot of money, to board a plane and let them all kiss my ass. Unfortunately in this moment I still have things to finish here.
Now about that balance? Any idea where it might be hiding? Does it own an invisibility cloak? *That would explain a lot you know!*